Conversations with Myself

my boy

2011-10-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

Rhys is a *bit* delayed. Just a little. Okay, maybe a lot, I don't know. He's been seen by Michele, from Infant Development Program (which actually changed their name this year, but I can't remember what to), since he was a few months old due to his premature birth. (She also came and saw the older two boys when they were little, so she's been in our family for almost 8 years! That's neat to think of!) According to her Assessment quiz, or whatever it was, Rhys is placed anywhere from 30-36 months of age. He is actually 40 months old, if I can count properly! This result doesn't surprise me (and this was just her quick assessment after his testing, and not the whole explained result. I'll get that this week when she comes.) To me, he looks and acts like a 2 1/2 year old, not a child who turned 3 in the summer. He seems smaller, younger...more babyish than child-like. But maybe that's why I love him so much. His baby-ness is endearing to me! He's cute and sweet and so innocent and cuddly. I don't want him to outgrow this yet! Okay, sometimes I do! But I love his personality, and if having him lose it because he ages, I'd rather he stay little!

We're working on his speech right now, as that is where he is the furthest behind. This is like old hat to me, though, and I'm not worried. We went through this with Kai, and started the process with Bryn, and now here we are with Rhys...what is up with my boys??? :) I vividly remember the whole long journey with Kai; the painful, stressful, disheartening journey. I don't remember anything with Byrn; how long he was delayed for, what his actual struggle was, none of it! I just remember feeling as though he'd "get it" in time. And, sure enough, when we were placed on the waiting list for speech therapy, by the time we were called, he had caught up!

I still do feel that Rhys will "get it" soon too, and he is, but we have been seen at Surrey Early Speech and Language, where Kai was seen for two years. That was a mixed feeling for me. For one, I wasn't too sure I wanted him to be seen by the ST we were assigned since I remembered her from three years earlier as being a bit stand-off-ish and not warm. Secondly, I didn't really think we needed therapy. I was sure that Rhys would take off on his own soon! I went in thinking it wouldn't be worth my time, to be honest. (plus, I had to bring in all of the other kids and that's stressful for me. I don't like taking them all with me when we need to see any type of professional) Yes, he was delayed just like Kai was, but he was also so different than him too. Rhys was actually interested in speaking, he just didn't know how or wasn't given the time he needed or...or something. He was delayed but willing to learn. Whereas Kai was not and was such a struggle to get to participate and respond in anything other than grunts; he was so difficult! So I went to our initial appointment with the thoughts that we wouldn't need to do this, that things would work out, that whatever it was that was holding Rhys back would be solved.

How surprised I was to find that I was annoyed with the ST for brushing us off! Well, maybe she didn't really brush us off, but she didn't give any indication that she thought he was needing immediate attention. Instead, she wanted me to attend this parent workshop and then call her for a follow-up assessment in December! She wasn't doing her job and wanted me to do it instead! I was so frustrated with her! I know, how arrogant of me, eh? I didn't think Rhys needed therapy like Kai did and when she agreed with me in unspoken terms, I was upset! It made no sense!

But, each week, I dutifully attended this parent workshop that was designed to teach parents techniques on getting their child to the next level of speech and how to avoid the things they were doing to hold them back in their development. I went because I had to, because if I didn't, it would make me look bad. I left the first night, not armed with new information or skills (it was info I'd already been told many times before....repeat, repeat, repeat, use 1 word when talking..etc) but with a realization of how my own attitude may have been holding him back! I sat with a good 10 other couples who actually wanted to be there! In fact, one mom was wanting the help so badly that she had brought along her parents, her brother and his wife, as they all wanted to support and help her out! That blew me away! And a foster mother was there because three of her charges were delayed! These people came because they thought this was going to help and they welcomed that and they desired to learn some skills! I came because I wanted to. How arrogant of me!

Since starting, Rhys' speech has grown big time! He is starting to use 2-word sentences now (YAY!) and his vocabulary has expanded! It's awesome! I don't think it's because of these classes, to be honest. I think he picked them up on his own. But these classes did help me out. I'm still not too sure what is causing his delayment, but I do wonder if it's because we rush too much. We think we're helping him, but we're speaking for him, supplying him with the answers, and not sitting back and letting him initiate. We had some homework with our classes, which included setting aside 10 minutes...just 10...where we interacted with the child but were not allowed to respond or talk or fill in answers until we counted to 10 slowly! (So we'd say something, wait to see if they'd respond and then count before saying something again. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi....) That was painfully hard! We naturally want to fill in the spaces of silence. The other one was where we had to spend half an hour NOT asking questions! That was difficult as well. How do you NOT? It's something parents are constantly doing. What do you see there? Do you hear that? Would you like this? What is wrong? Where is the...? But when we ask these types of questions to a speech-delayed child, it doesn't give them a chance to expand on their vocabulary. They can point, grunt or just say Yes in response to many of them! So I've learned a few things. :)

This week, Rhys showed off not only his understanding of words but that he was starting to grow his conversation skills too! (most speech-delayed children are delayed in their vocalization but not in their understanding, which can make it difficult for parents. We know he can understand a lot yet we need to cut back our speaking to a lower level just to give them the chance to respond.) I've been teaching him that he is a boy and I am a girl, and who our family is. He did not seem to know this last month at the testing, but now he gets it!

We were out shopping as a family on the weekend when Hunny stops at Best Buy for a new sensor bar for our wii (turns out that one of the bunnies had bit through the wires of our old one!) Abi doesn't want to go in, and Eden is sleeping, and frankly, I had no interest in going inside, so we decided to stay in the van. Now, Rhys is the only one left in a 5-point harness car seat (other than Eden, obviously) so unfortunately, if he can be left in the vehicle, he will be, just for the inconvenience of taking him in and out of his seat. Which is what Hunny was preparing to do at the store. But Rhys starts to cry, saying "me....me....me!" He wanted out too! As B and Kai are climbing out of the van, Hunny says, "I'm sorry, Rhys, I'm going with just The Boys!" And Rhys says clearly, "Me Boy!" pointing to his chest emphatically!

Can't argue with that! He got to go too! :)

I love my boy. He is my cuddle bug still. He's sensitive. He's cute. He's witty. And he's starting to grow up. And that's exciting. And sad. But mostly exciting.

on my own

2011-10-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the start of a week on my own. Eight whole days. Just me and my kids. All of us. No other adults, just myself. And the kids. All five of them. For a whole week. Yep.

To be honest, I'm not too worried about it. At least, not now. Ask me how I felt about it a week ago and I'm sure I wouldn't have been so relaxed! I was surprised, stressed, worried, upset, concerned, angry, jealous and down-right not impressed about it! For one, I thought he was going just for the days he wrote on the calendar. Turns out that was just the days he booked off work! He was actually leaving on the Saturday (today), not the Monday! That was a complete surprise. I'll bet my blood pressure was high after I learned that one! I didn't even ask when he was returning; I was too scared to at first!

A whole week!!! It was learned that he was leaving Saturday early morning and not retuning until the next Saturday sometime late!

I admit it, I was filled with jealousy too. When would I get to go away for a week? How come he gets to do that? *sigh*

It wasn't just the length of time he was going that bothered me though, it was the meals I had to deal with as well. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like cooking. I eat because I have to. Not because I worry about my girlish figure (maybe I should worry more, lol) or that I hate food, it's just that cooking and preparing meals is not on my top List of Things To Do For Fun. Now, there are a lot of foods that I like to eat (pasta, yum!) and many more that I should seriously consider cutting back on (chocolate, sugar...), but cooking as a whole doesn't interest me. Add that on to having a 4 month old who has decided that her favourite time to eat and want to be held is between 3-6pm, and you're looking at a stressed mother! How in the world was I supposed to feed my other children??? As it is now, I try to prepare as much as I can first, but mostly I'm counting down the hours and minutes for my Hunny to come home and make dinner! So my stress level was pretty high.

But I think I've got that figured out. Hunny was nice enough to pick up some quick and easy dinners for me (frozen pizza, yuck, chicken kiev, yum...) and I have my meals all planned out for the week. I'm just going to have to be vigilant in preparing things more in advance, like at lunchtime! I actually did that the first two to three weeks of school, since we were having to pick up Hunny from his work when the kids were out of school, which meant we weren't returning home until around 5pm, when everyone is so hungry they are grabbing quick, unhealthy snacks. (like popping in at Wired Monk for a coffee and treats all around!)
{going back up to two vehicles has many pros and cons.}

This is the first night, and already I'm bored and I'm missing my Hunny. I don't want to go to bed! I don't mind being home alone and I am actually looking forward to having all this time to myself to do things I want to do. I tend to stay up and hang out with him, watching tv shows, just to spend time together. Which is sweet and cheesy and kind of silly. I'm sure his ego can handle it if I decide not to do that for one or two nights! But I have this guilty nag that tells me that I should spend all my time with my Hunny if I want to keep our marriage happy and thriving. (dang old nag!!!) So this week feels open and fun and full of possibility! I can spend my time downstairs being creative in my Stamp Room!!! (or so I like to think...we'll see how Miss Jellybean takes that!)

I've always thought I'd make a terrible Single Parent, and I don't want to minimize the hard work of those who have no choice, nor do I want to make it out to be worse than it is, or offend anyone at all, but it's true! I need my Hunny. I don't know if I'm patient enough or skilled enough or alert enough to care for this many children! The idea scares the heck outta me to even consider what it would be like if I were suddenly thrust into a situation where I HAD to be a single mom. Not just a week. But as from now on. Not because I'm that bad of a mom or that my kids are that troublesome, but because I rely on him so much! He has done so much for me and be such a huge part in the lives of these kids. Saying that sounds silly and you're probably thinking, well, yeah, of course he has, he's their father, your husband! But that doesn't mean anything! I have two friends who have left husbands who were NOT good fathers. The way they were treated wasn't nice at all either, but it was the way the kids were ignored and discarded that made it the hardest. And, to be honest, I felt that I was in that group too, in the beginning. My Hunny was great and meant well and cared deeply for us all, but he wasn't involved. I spent a lot of time grumbling and thinking on how much he needed to change that I didn't see all of what he actually was doing. If I want my marriage to be "happy and thriving", I need to take a good look at the man I married and see him for who he really is. And he is a wonderful blessing to me! I do admit that he's still lacking in the baby care department (I'm sure I can count on one hand how many diapers he's changed over our course of children!) but he is an incredible father to our Clan! And I need him.

This week will be an adventure for all of us! Ask me in a few days how I'm feeling about this, though! Maybe say a few prayers for us.... ;)

New Name

2011-10-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have re-named my blog. It's a name that kept coming into my head during those incredibly thoughtful stages, where my mind keeps replaying conversations in my mind and I figure things out and feel "whole".

When I started blogging many years ago...when was it? I think when B was a baby. I wanted to be able to talk about my frustrations on being a mother to a preemie who was a refluxer, and to get thoughts out that I couldn't say in real life due to day-to-day circumstances. I needed to be able to deal with my post-partum depression. So I named it "You are my JOY", with the intentions that I would Find Joy in my life if I could just post about the small things.

But instead, I found out that I censored myself. I felt guilt. I didn't confess. I didn't write. I didn't grow. This blogging business just wasn't what I was hoping for! I don't know if things will change with having a new name (not likely too much will) but I am hoping that I feel more freedom in it. I feel like things have changed in me recently, and I can't quite figure out what. I want the familiarity of what I was or had before, but I can't since it's gone. So instead I'm trying to figure out who and what I am and what I want to be. I am hoping that this new "venture", if you will, will be more of who I am right now and who I want to be a year from now, five years, ten years from now.

I just want to write. Like I used to do. Write even the small stuff. The thoughts that flit in my mind. The big topics that weigh me down. The feelings that build up inside because I'm still learning how to get them out.

My mind works as a giant conversation. When I am feeling overwhelmed or stumped by issues, I have a made-up conversation with myself, where I present my problem and I respond to it. These conversations have helped me out of so many angst-y moments, and have given me such clarity. I want to write about these conversations. Stick around if you'd like. Or don't. I just want to do this for me now.

Today

2011-10-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for family that surround me with love. Children's voices that fill my home. Husbands who cook wonderful dinners. A baby's face that lights up with excitement when she sees me. A God who answers prayers. My life.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

12 weeks or so ago....

2011-09-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

SO it's been a while. I have been busy, sorry, with one of the best things that have happened to me! My Baby Jellybean arrived! But let's back track....where did I leave you at??? Oh yes! My OB fired me!!! H'mm...

I was quite distressed and angry and frustrated and scared and shocked that my own OB would decide she no longer needed to see me. So much so that I vented to my Hypertension, Dr M. Yep. I tattled!!! And it felt good! It made me feel even better when my doctor was just as surprised about it. A week passed and when I saw her again, she told me that she wasn't comfortable with me not having an Obstetrician and offered to write a letter to Dr G. My awesome sister was was me and spoke up for me, saying how we had no confidence in Dr G and didn't want to see her! This was true for me and for my family, but I doubt I would've said anything! I would've hummed and hawed about seeing her again and begrudgingly gone back, all the while wishing I could be brave enough to speak the truth. But I don't want to hurt any feelings or make an inconvenience or be troublesome. (somehow I equate being honest with "overbearing") When Dr M confirmed that's what we wanted, I did manage to request that she refer an OB for me. That would mean seeing one at BC Women's, but that was okay. I figured I go there often enough as it is, so why not? It would also mean delivering there too, which was mixed for me. I had no problems with being there and having Baby Jellybean there, but I was concerned about making the drive while being in labor. Would I make it in time? :(

I was referred to Dr G, who actually didn't practice at BCW, (only delivered there) but had an office a few blocks away, and incidentally, was on vacation! So I saw a Dr. R instead! :) She was nice and checked me out, saying I wasn't dilated despite the many contractions I'd been having. (I'd been having CX since the beginning of May, after baby dropped, at 32.5w) My cervix was "closed but soft", not that I could remember what that meant! That was on Monday, June 6th. On Tuesday, I felt baby descend even further and I started having contractions that evening! I couldn't sleep through them because I kept paying attention to them! I was so paranoid about going into labor and making it to the hospital on time. Having an OB in Vancouver meant delivering there! It takes an hour (roughly) to get there! (well, only 25ms with no traffic!) I wondered if I made a right decision in requesting one from Dr M. I had a feeling I would go very swift!

So there I was, counting contractions and timing things and attempting sleep. They were coming every 3 minutes for 5 hours now. But they weren't painful. But they were consistent. So I woke up Hunny at 6am (June 8th) and I called my sister---except she wasn't answering her cell, go figure! We left at 7am anyways, and she met us at the hospital.

Of course, on the drive in, I noticed that the contractions were lessening. I had a bad feeling about that. :( Sure enough, there were no CX picked up on the NST (non-stress test) and I still wasn't dilated, and as soon as an OB came to see me an hour after I arrived, she discharged me. Phooey. We hung out at the hospital anyways. I had to wait on lab results (to check my liver and such for pre-e signs) and I had an appointment with Dr M. But we were really hoping the contractions would start up again. We didn't want to pay for parking ($3.50/1hr $7.50/3hr $15/day) just to return later that night. So we walked for a bit and had lunch (and even a little nap in the Admitting waiting room) but nothing happened. We left by around 2pm. I felt silly. And really really tired.

I should've realized it was False Labor with these signs: *non-painful contractions (they lasted for hours, but there weren't terribly painful) *the ability to eat (Hunny wanted to stop for a coffee on the way to the hospital, and I devoured some Timbits! That totally threw off my diabetes numbers too, teehee!)

*sigh*

(me at 37w)

The appointment with Dr M had me a bit paranoid though. She wanted me to ask Dr G (the new OB) about "timing of delivery", ie; being induced. Apparently thirty-eight weeks is a common time for stillbirth from hypertension and gestational diabetes. Yikes!

That Friday night (June 10) I started getting my intense pelvic pressure again. It was so bad that I'd gasp in pain sometimes! It felt like something pushing on my vag, which sounds slightly stupid because I was pregnant and having contractions (of course I'd feel pressure there!) but this was different. They weren't typical contractions. Just very painful. Intense intense pressure. That started at 7pm, but would stop a bit, then start up again. I'd been having them nightly for a while now, and sometimes I'd be in tears because it was so painful; it made me scared. Forget making it to BCW in time, I'd be having the baby in the loo!!!

At 3am, I woke to them again and freaked myself out that I didn't feel Jellybean moving. So I began to pray, and then she'd stretch and I'd rest again. At 5am, Saturday, June 11th, my 38th week, I got out of bed because the pressure and pain was so bad. It was so bad that I couldn't actually think straight. I paced, but was restless. At 5:15am, I woke up Hunny; I couldn't take it anymore! While he had a shower (which seemed incredibly long!) I tried to call Julie's cell (which was on vibrate, so she didn't hear it, go figure) I could barely leave a message though due to the pain, and couldn't call anyone else. When Hunny came out, he called his mom to come over. I was in tears because I just wanted to go to the hospital; it was all taking too long!

We left at 6am and arrived at 6:30am. Hunny dropped me off at Admitting so he could go find a parking spot, but I didn't think I could even get out of the vehicle and walk! But I did. Of course, the room was empty and I was beside myself. I couldn't talk anyways, really. I couldn't think straight. I could hardly walk. Someone did come though and began asking me dumb questions. My personal favourite was, "What brought you into Admitting today?" I looked at her. "Uhm...labor." "Okay. And are you having contractions... uhm... yeah, okay..." At that point, Hunny came in, which I was grateful for because I didn't have time or patience for this woman anymore! I didn't want to deal with anyone who couldn't get this baby from me! I was seriously in my own little world, albeit a very painful one! Of course, the nurse wants you to give a urine sample, get a hospital gown on and lay in a bed. Meanwhile I'm thinking, 'Woman! Can't you see I'm in labor? I don't have time for this!" I just wanted to be checked and have this baby! Put it this way...it was so painful that I was actually crying out and yelling! I didn't care who heard! I couldn't stop anyways. I had never yelled with the others. Not to say that I labored silently with them (I"m not a Scientologist, lol) but I'm not loud nor do I yell in a regular situation. I tend to hold my breath and groan, I think. This yelling surprised me, but maybe "Involuntarily Screaming" is a better description.

When the nurse finally checked me (and let me remind you the pain was in my vag and perineum area so sitting or even laying down scared me. I wanted to stay where I was and hope for no pain!) I hear her say, "Okay, we are moving you right now!" So much for Admitting and Assessment! I was being wheeled into Labor and Delivery, with the nurse calling ahead that I was "9 or 10cm" and needed a room right away! I was writhing in pain by then and couldn't look at anyone. I actually brought a cloth with me that I had got wet with my water bottle and covered my eyes with. I'm not too sure why (even now) to be honest, and I must've looked pretty silly when I think about it, but it made me feel better. It was cool and I seriously couldn't concentrate or look at anyone!

I had several nurses come in and several doctors and I just didn't care! Even when Julie finally arrived, to be honest, I didn't care about that either! (sorry, Julie!) I wasn't interested in who was around me, I just wanted to know that I was being cared for. Just don't talk to me! I had one thought and goal! I didn't even flinch when a nurse put my IV in, and those are typically painful, (and all through the pregnancy I was really nervous about getting one done during my labor.) or when she messed up and had to do it again! (I was told that my swab came back negative for GBS by Dr. S. But a week later, another doctor said a urine sample said I was positive. So I had to have antibiotics. Phooey. I dreaded the idea for months.) I was pleasantly surprised. And it didn't hurt when a doctor wanted to check my progress either (and that's usually incredibly uncomfortable and painful as well. When you're in labor, you want the baby out of you, not have something put in!)

Of course, a doctor said I was only 8 or 9cm. Pfft! Why do they always ruin things? LOL I was given gas and air though. That helped a bit, but it makes me lightheaded. I was so determined to breathe through my contractions, be in control and calmed, but it didn't go over so well. :( The nurse kept saying "Okay, now deep breath out." I was so focused on breathing IN! I loved my nurse, Shannon. She kept telling me, "Do what you did last time. You can do it. Just like before." It made me feel like I really could do it. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even lay down properly (I wanted no pressure on my bottom) so I was on the edge of the bed, and every time I had another CX, I'd flail my arms about trying to find something to grab a hold of! (the nearest thing was the NST machine with the SHARPS container on top, which Julie thought I'd pull down!) Hunny mistakenly gave me his hand again too. I tried to be conscientious though and not squeeze too hard, but later he said he thought I'd break his fingers! Funny how you don't like you have Super Human Strength! I guess that's what Adrenaline does! I was offered an epidural when a doctor saw me (before the gas/air) and as much pain as I was in, I just didn't think I'd have enough time! Not when I considered that I'd have to wait for the anesthesiologist to arrive and they'd have to prep me still. But I was offered one, which was almost nice!

The biggest problem was that my waters hadn't broken. It was "bulging", I heard a doctor say, which sounds kinda gross. I had such pressure that I was convinced it wasn't helping, so I begged for them to break it! Two doctors were talking (an OB & pediatrician? Two OBs? And OB & GP? An OB and nurse? ?? I don't even know!) about what to do. I wasn't fully dilated yet (which I said, "Why not????" and everyone laughed at. But I was serious! I was desperate!) but I had labored 45ms, should they break the waters or wait? I thought for sure they said they were going to wait for 45 minutes, which freaked me out! I couldn't last another forty-five minutes! But Julie clarified for me that was the time I'd had already labored. I still begged them to break my waters. I thought that if they did maybe the baby would slip right out too!

So they did. And it was a relief of pressure. Phew! But the baby didn't come out. Phooey.

Guess who that OB was? When she came in, she said, "I know you! We just met!" but it took me a moment to recognize her. It was Dr R, the OB I just saw on Monday! She was in hospital scrubs not in office wear, which threw me off. But it made me happy to know who the doctor was. I don't have good luck with doctors, they all tend to leave and miss the birth of my children!

After a while, the doctors were saying how I was fully dilated (yay! about time!) BUT...my cervix wasn't ready. Whatever that meant. I was confused. Also, the baby wasn't low enough. So I was told not to push yet. But I wanted to! Well, not really. I just wanted the baby out! I even said that too, "Get this baby out of me!", something I've never done before! I had such intense pressure from my vag to my bum. Not like I've ever had before. Finally, I did feel like pushing though. So I let Shannon know in my grunt-like words, "Pushing!" Followed a few moments later by, "Burning!" So she had to call for the doctors to return, since they stepped out of the room. (I guess they had other patients to check on) They actually made it on time too! Wow! It felt like she was stuck though, since she didn't come out as easy as the others did. I asked and the doctor said that she wasn't, but I didn't really believe her! They did mention using the vacuum to get her out though, but then suddenly she was! (that was after the doctor told me to PUSH with the next contraction instead of screaming! *blush* I had a hard time with the Involuntarily Screaming, okay? It was painful.) In the end, I did have some tearing, but all was good. She was here.

EDEN SHAYE ALIYA
6lbs 11oz 19.5"
June 11, 2011 8:21am

And that is where I'm going to leave you. :) I'll tell you the rest of the details later.

new favourites

2011-06-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

Hokey Dinah!!!

(yes, I actually say dumb things like that! *giggle*)

I came across this song and fell in love last night.

And then I heard this one....and WOW. Amazing. And to think it's all done just using what you see in the video. I've often heard these sounds in songs and wondered how they were done...
And, yes, these are the same guys who did Love Story meets Viva la Vida. Steven Sharp Nelson on cello (all 4 of them. seriously! I never knew there was an electric cello!!!!) and Jon Schmidt on piano.

I am in love. And it's a jealous love. I wish I were musically talented enough to play an instrument. I'd like to blame my non-instrument playing on my parents because they never put me in for piano lessons or let me learn to play the violin like I wanted (life is so rough, I know)...but the truth is that it just wasn't an option for me as a child. But what's stopping me now? I can't STILL blame them, can I? Dang! LOL :)

Do you think it's hard to learn to play cello as a 30-something year old woman? How about piano? I sucked at recorder in grade 7 and couldn't learn to read music notes to save my life....do you think that would be an issue now?

I could watch these videos over and over again. I'm manic that way. ...oh wait, I have!

37 weeks

2011-06-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

Surely the end must be near for Baby Jellybean! Every week is a surprise for me!

Lord, have mercy

2011-05-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard this song in a while, and then suddenly one of our worship leaders in church brings it out and tears flow. Such a simple song of deep longing, of truths spilled, and frailness revealed.
Renew the fire again.
Pardon my transgressions.
Help me love you again.

Lord Have Mercy- Steve Merkel

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again

Chorus
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Repeat

I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love You again

Repeat Chorus

I have longed to know You and Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night

Repeat Chorus 2x

(italics mine)
This song is by Michael W. Smith and is on his live Worship Again CD, the blue one (my fave version of the song)

The End is Near

2011-05-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, Jesus was supposed to return, according to an evangelical group in the States. This man used some interesting math to determine that May 21st would be the day and he had many followers who spent millions of dollars advertising the date all over the world. Maybe you've seen them? They all believed there would be earthquakes all over the world that would open graves and such and bring Jesus' return.

I have nothing wrong with the mass earthquakes or the return of the King, but this man forgot to take into account a few things. Such as where it says in the Matthew 24:36 that, “Of that day and hour no one knows, no, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.” So why does He think that some math would figure it out? Instead, he has made himself out to be a False Prophet ("Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming "I am he" and "the time is near". Do not follow them." Luke 21:8) Even if he had good intentions.

So Saturday came and went...and nothing happened. I didn't really think He'd return, but I was hoping...sort of. I have a baby I'd like to be born first. I'm not too sure what happens if you're pregnant during the Rapture---do you have the baby in Heaven? Is the baby alive there or cease to exist? Will I even care? I admit to having a confusion of thoughts over the whole thing. I tend to not even pay attention to most doomsday predictions. But for some reason, this one got a lot of news. Was it because of all of the advertising this group did? (one guy in NY spent his life savings on signs and such) Or was it because they aren't the typical cult? They weren't trying to incite mass suicides or donations, they just seemed to want to warn everyone. They also didn't hold huge events for preaching either, which may've been helpful. But this group does have their own radio program, so maybe they did a lot of doomsday messages there, with many "alter calls". I don't know since I don't listen to them.

The prediction was that Jesus would return on May 21, 2011, and somehow the time 6pm came up, but it wasn't clarified which time zone that was. He said that 200 million followers would be taken up with Him. Five months later, on Oct 21st, the world was going to end. Of course, Biblically, we know that there is no number of the exact amount Jesus will call home and that it's supposed to be 7 years of Tribulation not 5 months. It's interesting how this guy comes up with these numbers.

I feel torn. Disappointed. I wanted Jesus to return, but I wasn't expecting Him to. By Him NOT coming back, it exposes this man as false, and it's add disbelief to people, which I find disheartening. But imagine if He had? Then this group would've been right and taking away the glory due to Him. It's a good thing He has it all figured out and not anyone else!

I was also torn regarding how the whole thing was seen by others. I expected a lot of mocking and jokes at the expense of this group and other Christians, though. But the jokes by fellow Christians was sad. Not that we should believe this guy but it made me think. What if He did return? Were we ready? would we all feel pretty foolish? Aren't we supposed to be on watch and be ready and full of anticipation? ("Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.” Matthew 24:44)

Since none of us know the time or day His return will be, how do you live like that? How do I live like He'll come back today? What if He did? What if today is the last day on earth for me and my family? How does that change things for me? I don't think it made me more loving or patient on Saturday, sad to admit, but true. I can't say if I spent my time wisely or not. (although I did clean my house nice and good. Yay for Nesting!) Or if I was able to teach my children anything useful. (I was happy to learn that the whole thing was discussed at their school though. Abi wisely pointed out that even though we don't know the time or day, we can't say for sure that He wouldn't come back on Saturday! It's good to hear how smart she is!)

I want to live like Heaven is my home and I'm anticipating His return to take me there, but really I'm grounded here, aren't I? As much as I want to live heaven bound, life here is pretty good. I've got a great Hunny and wonderful kids and a warm home and plenty of food to eat and loving family and a great church and things really are perfect for me. I am blessed. And life isn't so terrible that I can't wait to leave. But shouldn't I want to? How did I live like this life is only temporary? How do I instill my children the wonderment of what's to come? We talk about heaven often and what it takes to get there ("I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12) so I haven't failed them in any way, but I want to make sure we're living lives with meaning. And most of the time I feel it's "just living."

Jesus may not have returned on Saturday, but my mind feels more focused. I want it to mean something. The good news is that this guy now claims his math was wrong (really?) and that Jesus will return on the October date. So we've all got time to prepare again!

**I came across this website regarding "after May 21st", that I found helpful, if you're looking for more information. I don't know this group who's put this together, so I can't say if their seminars or classes are good or not. But this page is! :) http://www.aftermay21.com/

I've been fired!!!

2011-05-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm still seeing my group of doctors and my BP is still going up and down. I must admit that I didn't realize your blood pressure can be such a range of numbers. I thought I was so "normal" before, but now it's all over the place; it's hard not to be concerned or stressed! My BP is supposed to be between 80-85 for the diastolic number (the lower one) and yet it fluctuates, and it's hard to not think about what'll happen if it gets too high or too low without me knowing. Especially after my sudden hospitalization two weeks ago!

I saw my regular doctor at the maternity clinic and discovered, yet again, that my BP was lower than it should be. That concerned me, but Dr S shrugged it off, which was frustrating. He also didn't pay much attention to my other concerns and sent me on my way. (such as baby dropping and having pelvic pressure) And that's when I thought, "wait a minute! why am I even still seeing this guy?" So I decided to "fire" him!

He's a good doctor and seems really nice, and he did give me the easiest, quickest and least uncomfortable "womanly visit" exam I've ever had, but he is still just a regular maternity clinic doctor and I have high risk needs to be addressed. If I were a "normal" pregnant woman, I'd have no problem seeing him. But I'm not and frankly, I'm sick of seeing him! That, and the fact that he said my low BP was fine, of course!

Two days after seeing him, I saw my OB, where my BP was in the target range, which surprised and relieved me! I got my Group B Strep Swab done and was told everything was looking good. Baby sounded great, although uncomfortable for me to be lower now, and I'm being seen by a team of specialists and everything is monitored and under control, so Dr G decided to drop a bomb on me. She says she doesn't need to see me anymore!!!

Excuse me?

She says that her job was to get me to 35 weeks and I'm almost there, so there wasn't a need anymore. (I was 33W at the apt)

Excuse me? Am I no longer High Risk? Did I deliver my baby already? After all this work to get in to see an Obstetrician and that's it? She's not going to take me to the end? I don't get it. I can understand her point that things can tend to be done twice with this many doctors (Dr S wants to do the GBS swab on my next week, for example) and that things are going so well for me ---after all, I'm not leaking amniotic fluid or on bed rest (like I was with Rhys) and I technically don't have pre-e (just signs and symptoms of it, but no diagnosis) and I do have everyone possible taking care of me---but if any doctor should be dropped, shouldn't it be the maternity clinic? Since I'm not a regular patient? So much for "firing" Dr S! I think I'm being fired!!!

The doctor did tell me that I can still book appointments with her if I'd like, but I haven't decided what to do yet. (I already have one with Dr S for next week.) A part of me wants to give up and just pretend that it's all normal for me. But another part wants to fight for what I should have. There's always the possibility that I won't even need a specialist in the end, but it doesn't make sense to not see one just because of that chance.

This was something I wasn't expecting. And I am at a loss.

33 weeks and beyond!

2011-05-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

Alright, I didn't expect I'd make it this far! But here I am! I have surpassed 33 weeks, the earliest I've ever gone, and I am so pleased! Things are going better than I anticipated and it's wonderful. I go between being surprised and thinking that maybe, just maybe, things will go along smoothly and I'll go even further in this pregnancy, to having this worry that something will change and this baby will arrive soon! I've been on High Alert since 16 weeks, watching for any sign, any twinge, and I've been waiting for the end and expecting that to be at 30 weeks. Pretty sad way to spend a pregnancy, eh? Always waiting for something to happen.

Here is me at 32 weeks. Looking all cute in my Canucks t-shirt and curly hair! *smile*

And me at 33 weeks.

You probably can't tell, but Baby Jellybean had dropped by this picture! She now sits right in my pelvis. Hooray! It's nice to not have the pressure of the baby squishing my lungs, but now the pain has changed to intense pressure of baby pushing on my hips.

......not much longer.......I think!!!

Up and Down

2011-05-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

I admit to going into this pregnancy thinking that it would be "normal"....well, normal for me, that is. I'd see a specialist and they'd watch out for any pre-term labour for me and I may end up on bedrest, but the baby would come early and all would be well. I didn't consider pre-eclampsia or hypertension, although I did have gestational diabetes on my mind as well. So things have been going .... interesting for me. I'd have to say that it's actually been going well all things considered. I have appointments on a weekly basis with all of the doctors I see! I have been expecting to be hospitalized or on bedrest sometime during this pregnancy, but was taken by surprise when it did happen over Easter! I'd already had a crazy week, so I should've seen it coming, but I wasn't too sure what would happen.

It started out with a visit to the maternity clinic, where my blood pressure was noted to be elevated. Of course, I didn't think it was "too high"...but that's because I tend to forget my target range! It had been so good for so long, so each week I had been pleased with the numbers at the MFM Clinic and not having to go back on the anti-hypertension medication. But I was also anticipating a climb, since it's common for it to increase during the third trimester. Turns out, my time was now! Dr S looked at my blood pressure readings, checked his notes and then sent me to the hospital for another NST and some lab work! I was seen by Dr G (my OB, who happened to be on call that day) eventually ---it was a very busy day on the maternity ward--- and was put back on Labetelol, and all was well again. For a few days, at least. I saw my regular GP dr on a Friday (for non-pregnancy stuff) and my BP was checked and discovered too low--although, she didn't do anything about it because she said it was a normal range for me. It had me concerned though! I tried to contact the Internal Meds dr, but couldn't get a hold of her, so I thought I'd hold out and see how things went. I'd watch for any obvious signs/symptoms and go to the ER if I was worried.

Of course, that weekend was terrible for me! I was lightheaded, couldn't concentrate, had bad backpain, had sharp abdominal pain, and felt agitated and crappy and out of it. On Monday night, I didn't think I'd be able to cope much longer, but thankfully, Tuesday was a bit better. I saw Dr G again (at her office for an apointment) and my BP was still very low, so she told me to hold the Labetelol. The very next day, I saw Dr. M at Women's, where my BP was very high again! Good grief! By not being on meds for one day, it jumped up! Yet when I was on it, it plummeted! WTH?

Dr M didn't know about my high BP, NST and lab work done the week earlier (*roll eyes* why can't the drs work together?) so that info had her wondering what was going on. Plus, I had protein in my urine, so add those two together and they're looking at Pre-eclampsia. Phooey. :( Months ago, I thought I'd end up with this, but was starting to think that maybe I wouldn't...

So I was sent to Admitting at Women's, where I had another NST done and more lab work (to check my kidney function and such. Your kidneys put out a hormone that regulates your blood pressure. Too high BP and you could damage them, apparently), and given Labetelol. (actually, Dr M gave me one immediately after seeing my blood pressure numbers) Then I was given a room (which was more like a closet) in the Delivery Suite, and started a 24 HR urine collection (what fun!) I also got to have another ultrasound, which was the most enjoyable part of the whole hospital process! (Baby Jellybean looked to be "just under" 4lbs already! Yay!) They were trying to find me an actual bed and room, but it was busy, so I settled into my closet with the curtain for a door, and observed other patients! (like the woman across from me who was 41w4d and starting contractions! She moaned a lot and I was wondering how long they'd keep her here. Surely she couldn't deliver in this closet!!!) I knew I'd be there overnight, for sure, and was told by Dr C (another MFM doctor, whom I also adore!) that they wanted to get my blood pressure monitored and leveled out, as well as get my thyroid "sorted out" (since it was fluctuating a lot as well, which isn't too strange for pregnancy, but this was more so), and have me be seen by the Dietician for my Gestational Diabetes (since I sadly failed my second 2 hour test. Phooey. And I had felt so good about it too, thinking maybe I didn't have it this time since I passed the GTT test weeks earlier!) Phew! I was going to be seen by a lot of different doctors and nurses during my visit! (I was eventually set up in a room at 3am, just when I was starting to finally fall asleep!)

I had started to think that I must have pre-eclampsia and was trying to learn more about it while waiting for confirmation from the doctor. I learned that it is the most common of the dangerous pregnancy complications for both me and baby. (did that make sense? I stole that from Wikipedia!) Symptoms are headaches, visual disturbances, epigastric pain (upper abdominal), nausea and vomiting. Placental Abruption can occur, which is when the placenta detatches prior to birth, which is incredibly dangerous and causes stillbirth. It can lead to seizures, stroke, multiple organ failure and death in more and/or baby, if untreated. Wow. It's hard NOT to get stressed out by it all!

In the end, I wasn't given any information from the doctor regarding pre-e during my hospital stay, but was told by another MFM doctor at my next apt that it was "complicated". I have signs and symptoms, but I guess they fluctuate so much that it's not a simple diagnosis. Which is wonderful to hear, but also confusing.

I was first admitted on Wednesday, not knowing how long I'd stay, but learning it would be for sure overnight. Dr M wanted me monitored and Dr C wanted everything "sorted out", and Dr Unger, another OB, wanted me checked out, and Dr Thompson, the Diabetic Dr, needed to see me.... But after my urine collection was done and my BP was stabilized on Thursday, Dr C and Unger had me discharged. I was almost free! But then Dr Thompson wanted me to stay! Phooey! He wanted to get a better look at my blood sugar levels since I had just started to check. They had been elevated and he wanted 24 hours to get a feel for an average for me. (Poor Hunny was so stressed over it all! He doesn't handle sudden things like this very well, and had to find babysitters for the Youngers, and get the Olders off to school and leave work early and take time off and it was just hard for him to figure out.) I spent Good Friday in the hospital, eating pork chops {*shudder*} and learning how to give myself insulin injections, while my family had a nice turkey dinner!

Yep, I'm giving myself needles! I thought it would happen during my pregnancy with Rhys, since I had such a struggle getting my numbers in order even while on a diabetic diet, but it didn't happen. So I wasn't surprised, but wasn't happy either! It's one thing knowing you'll need to go on insulin and a completely different thing having to actually inject yourself with a needle on a daily basis! But I will admit that I have been so proud of myself! I've been able to do this and do it well! It helps that the needles are small guage and don't really hurt going in, but still! Wow. To think that some people become addicted to a high so much that they're willing to give needles even though they don't "need" them is so bizarre to me!

My hospital stay was finally over on Saturday. Three days later. Or four days, depending on how you count! I got to spend the rest of Easter with my family, and celebrate my anniversary, and see my extended family. It was all good! But it's amazing how quickly things can change. Up and down my numbers go.

Blessings

2011-05-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed so much to have all that I have. He never ceases to amaze me with all that He grants, all the wishes and desires I long for. When I look back upon my life thus far, I can't help but feel a bit silly for all those wasted tears, when I questioned or wondered if I would ever get a prayer answered. I am learning that EVERYTHING good comes from Him and that He longs to give us good things and that it is always better to wait for His timing!

This song was passed on to me by my Mom and it touches me so. I hope it does for you too, and that you feel Him and His love surrounding you.

Blessings ~ Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

*italics on my fave lines. :)

not so routine after all

2011-04-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Back in November, Kai's Cardiologist made a comment about doing an MRI "in the future" just for some more information on his heart. He'd already had a heart catheterization in 2008, which gave no indication to the cause for his cardiomyopathy and nothing further for Dr H to go on, so that was disappointing. I just wasn't expecting it to come up sooner rather than more future-thinking.

Kai was scheduled for his MRI at the end of March. Now that he's older, he tends to understand more and I need to explain procedures better. I can't just say he's seeing the doctor and leave it at that anymore! So I tried to let him know that it was a rather simple test, it wouldn't hurt, he wouldn't even be touched by anything, he was just going to be put to sleep for it. I think that caused him concern though, because he kept asking about that. Why would he be sleeping? How would they put him to sleep? Would he wake up during the testing? Questions like that. Both Hunny and I have had MRI's (for his knee and my back pain years ago) so we told him how they worked like a more detailed X-ray machine, except you were in a box for a long time and couldn't move. (Sleeping through it would've been a great option for me!)

The day before his procedure, I had to take Kai in for a meeting with the anesthesiologist. He was excited to be missing school and I was feeling anxious! I remembered his surgery over two years ago and how I almost passed out as they put him to sleep! I was keenly aware it could happen again, and felt nervous about the day of his exam. I didn't expect I'd react upon meeting the anesthesiologists! They came in, we shook hands, they talked about the procedure, and I started to feel hot to the point where I could feel sweat beading on my forehead! I don't recall hearing much of what they said, as I wanted to pass out, but I remember leaving with the feeling it would be just a routine MRI: put him in the machine, take a few pictures and scans and we'd be home in a few hours.

The next morning was an early one for us, and not knowing how traffic would be on a drive into Vancouver at 6am, we left extra time for us to arrive. So, of course, we got there a good hour early! Thankfully they left us in and got us set up. The nurses told me that the whole thing would be a good 1/2 hour, then we'd be in recovery for an hour and go home. Routine. First, he had to have an X-Ray though. (not too sure why....preggo brain and all!)

I went in with Kai to see the anesthesiologists, and to keep him distracted while they put an IV into his hand. He'd already been wearing a numbing gel on them for an hour, so he really wouldn't have felt it, but neither him nor I were expecting it. I told him they'd just give him a mask to help him sleep, like they did with his catheterization. So when he noticed, he started to cry, and I started to feel woozy. How embarrassing. He's crying about it hurting and the blood is draining from my face and pooling in my ears and I'm having trouble hearing. (I've discovered the closer I am to passing out, the less I can actually hear of anything! Voices and noises sound so far away.This is quite common I guess!) I was trying to comfort him, but I had to sit down!

And that's how it all began.

I found out it wasn't so "routine" after all. I was told that they were putting him to sleep (which literally took 3 seconds after they put whatever-it-was in his IV) not to keep him still or comfortable, but because they needed to speed up his heart and slow it down for different tests, as well as getting him to hold his breath. I wondered how they'd do that, but the anesthesiologist cryptically said they "had their ways", and I'm sure that I likely didn't really want to know. According to the info sheet I was given, the MRI would be 1 1/2 hours, so already I had two different times of length.

I sat in the waiting room, had an hour nap (sortof, what I could manage in a chair in a waiting room full of other parents), wandered over to Starbucks for a snack, tried to access FB and my BBM (there was bad reception so that didn't go over well), thumbed through a few magazines and made some acquaintances. Three hours pass and I'm starting to wonder if I should be concerned. I was just about to ask at the nurses station when I was called to see Kai in the recovery room. (Usually a doctor comes to see you prior to that to let you know how it all went, so I was confused. I never did talk to anyone about the MRI, other than to hear that Kai's blood pressure dipped at the end. Not hearing anything bothered me, but hopefully I'll learn more from our own doctor.) Apparently this was a special cardiac MRI.

After a few popsicles and insisting they hadn't taken him in yet, and telling all the nurses that he missed breakfast AND lunch, Kai was allowed to go home! He was sleepy and chatty and cute and spent the rest of the day on the couch. Not that I could keep him still or resting, of course!

Now we wait. I don't know how long it takes for doctor's to get MRI results or when we'll hear from Dr H for another appointment, but it's been a month. I hope we get some answers this time. But even if we don't, I'm happy with how well Kai's been with his condition. Considering there isn't much info out there on a child with this type of cardiomyopathy, he's doing really good.

In the Home Stretch

2011-04-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

I've been getting a lot of comments and questions from strangers on when I'm due, and my answer varies from five weeks all the way to two months. I am 31W now, so technically, I should be looking at 8-10 weeks to go, but we all know that I never go Full Term. I must be looking huge if people are asking me how much longer I have to go! At first, I felt big, but the more I hung out at the hospital, the more I felt small and not-quite-ready.

Do I look ready to pop? These were taken last week. My Maternity shirts are starting to not cover my bump all the way now! *teehee* I do look like I'm ready to go have the baby now, don't I? Or at least like I'm having more than one baby, but I assure you, there is still only one in that big o' tummy of mine! It's a bit strange to think I may only have a month to go! Wow. Four weeks until Baby Jellybean's arrival! Glee!

I saw friends last week whom I hadn't seen since last June, and who didn't know I was pregnant. It's funny to show up to an event with a big belly and to see the expressions --if the reactions are good, that is. One comment I got, immediately upon seeing me, was "Again?" That threw me off. What do you mean, "again"? My last baby is almost three years old, so it's not like it was soon after or that not enough time has elapsed. I wasn't too sure how to respond to her, so I just laughed it off, but the truth is that I was annoyed. It was comments like that that made me not share much of my pregnancy with many people this time around. I had already been dealing for some time with friend's opinions on how I shouldn't have more children and it hurt. I know they meant well and had good intentions, but wow, some people need to learn how to give loving advice without stomping on others' dreams and wishes. Offering me a list of reasons NOT to have children is a bit harsh.

Yes, I knew beforehand that I'd be a High Risk Pregnancy. Yes, I did consider that I may go on bed rest again. Yes, I did wonder about my health in carrying a child for long enough while caring for four other children at home. Yes, I did think of our finances. Yes, I weighed the pros and cons.

When I talked to the girls about my growing list of pregnancy issues last week, they looked at me incredulously and asked, "and you wanted another baby?"

What kind of question is that???

For one, I didn't know I'd have Hypertension (and I definitely didn't know it was pre-existing) or gallstones or any of that. My other pregnancies only had leaking, some bed rest and gestational diabetes to prepare mentally for, and even those risks weren't enough to stop me. But truthfully, had I known beforehand the health issues I'd be having this time around, I'd still find it worth the risk. I will admit it now, though, that this will be our last pregnancy, so you can all stop worrying! My body doesn't enjoy being pregnant and it feels too old for it (which is so sad to say, but there aren't any other words to describe it) and I will have the longed-after five children I've always wanted.

I remember when Nadya"Octomom" Suleman had her eight babies and the controversy it caused (and still does). My heart really went out for her. I understood her desires. I knew what it was to like to want babies and a lot of them. No, her situation wasn't the best (unwed with already a large family of young children to care for and no visible income) and yes, her OB was unethical in transplanting so many embryos, but I understood. I can't say if I'd ever do things her way since I've never been in her situation, but I suppose a lot of people could find similarities in our stories. I still desired my "last baby" (even though I could admit then that I didn't know how many more it would take for me to stop wanting another), that badly wanted second daughter, even though many questioned my health and sanity.

I find it so sad that people can't support and help someone instead of criticizing those they don't agree with. Instead of the love and support Ms. Suleman deserved, that came with the McCaughey septuplets or the Gosselins, people shunned her and questioned her. We should've been encouraging her. After all, she carried eight babies! She didn't selectively terminate some to suit a doctor or the general public's opinion. She risked her own health for her babies, and that sacrifice is one we should commend. Isn't that what makes a hero in our eyes? One who lays their life down for others? No matter what the circumstances were? I hope this woman feels fulfilled by her large brood and has the support and love she needs. She's been staying out of the spotlight as much as she can, which is great as she needs the privacy, but I hope one day she lets us see her life and family! :)

Isn't it interesting how we shun and criticize the things that we don't personally understand? I do it all the time without thinking. We tear down the people we envy as well. I've noticed a few times where I've made bitter comments or tried to embarrass someone else' interests just because I didn't share them, and I've had to bite my tongue and chastise myself. Just look at the gossip sites for examples if you don't believe me. Notice how many people make fun of the Jolie-Pitts for all their children instead of applauding them for adopting children who need homes? Yet they are one of the biggest names in philanthropic work worldwide.

I decided to go ahead and have "one last baby" despite my health risks, so that can be perceived as selfish, I'm sure. But I think almost everything we choose to do can be traced to our own selfish natures. I didn't one day decide it would be a fun, nor did I say, 'screw what everyone thinks' (although I wish I didn't care so much of other people's opinions sometimes). In fact, we had been "trying but not really" for a few months with no results, so I was starting to wonder if maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. But then we were happily surprised in Autumn. God has granted me my desires. Not because He wanted to teach me a lesson in consequences, (although I am living out the actions of my growing our family) but because it was also a part of His Plan, and because He knows our futures and what we can all handle. And because He loves little children too (Psalms 127:3) :)

I am learning to find my identity in Him and leaning on His truths and my beliefs in Him, instead of taking criticism of my ways as personal attacks. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) Even carry a Baby Jellybean, despite the serious health concerns of others. Having Hypertension and Gestational Diabetes isn't ideal, but it's the way things are, and I'm the Home Stretch now, and it'll all be a fond memory soon.

the face of fear

2011-03-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

Today was the kids' first day of swimming lessons. Bryn started the pre-school group, Sea Stars, while Abi & Kai started Level 1. (except, Kai had to miss out after his MRI......more soon...) This is Abi's 2nd time at this level, 3rd time attempting swimming lessons altogether. All of the kids were very excited to start this!

In the Older's group there is a boy who looks to be about 10 years old He's the biggest in the group, with a head of sandy brown hair. I was happy that the class size was small (only 5 students) and of various ages (I'd say average age was 8 or 9), so that the kids wouldn't have to feel that they were "too old" to be in the very first level, knowing that most of their friends are already in level 3 or higher in swimming. I stood and watched their class for a few minutes as the Instructor asked them all the put their faces into the water and blow bubbles. (an activity taught in each swimming level, I've found) One by one, the students followed, and I grinned with pride as Abi did as well. A year ago and she would've hesitated and only dunked the tip of her nose to give the appearance of submersion. Then I noticed the older boy. He hadn't participated. When the Instructor asked him to, he turned away to face the outside of the pool, with tears in his eyes. And my heart broke for him. I understood his fear, or rather, I remembered his fear. I remembered the many years Hunny & I tried to coax our children to put their faces into water or to allow water to run down their foreheads. I remembered the tears and their cries, and I wanted to go to that boy and tell him things would be okay, that it was alright to be afriad, but it would get better over time.

But, of course, I didn't. Instead, I walked away, letting the Instructor deal with her student, and observed Bryn's class as they learned to blow bubbles in the shallow end of the pool. Bryn timidly placed his face into the water, but came up sputtering. He looked so tragic as tears flowed along with drips down his little cheeks. It was all I could do to not call out to him, to gather him up and wipe his face and comfort his fears. But I needed to be brave and so I looked the other way, trusting the Instructor to allay any fears these small children had. When I looked back a few minutes later, Bryn was all smiles again. He looked like he was having the time of his life, and my heart swelled.

I wandered back to the Olders to see how they were faring, and I saw the boy still with the Instructor, attempting one-on-one teaching. (another volunteer took over with the other kids and they practiced kicking and submerging their heads) The gangly child still had a face full of fear, and tears flowed from the corners of his eyes, yet I watched him as he tried to relax and rest in the Teacher's arms and lay his back in the water. His body was stiff and he was fighting with the task. But he was doing it. He has his arms outstretched, the cuff of his neck was in the water now, and his knees up, so not a complete follow-through, but he was doing it. And I was so proud of this boy. And I don't even know him! I wanted to encourage him, let him know of my support, tell him how awesome he was doing, but I kept quiet and observed. And smiled.

This boy looked miserable. You could tell he really struggled with the lesson and that he didn't enjoy it. But to me, he was the bravest boy out in that pool. He hated what he had to do and he feared it, but he did it anyways. And I was so proud of him

I hope that tonight, at home, he had someone to tell him how brave and strong he was. I hope I see him at the next lesson, and I hope that over time, he begins to see his strength as well. And I hope that I can instill in my own children a sense of bravery to fight their fears as well.

Gut issues

2011-03-25T13:06:00.001-07:00

Oh the nausea!

I am almost 27w and I am still dealing with nausea. It's not a constant thing though, thankfully; some days I don't have any issues at all, but then some days are full of acid reflux. I am still taking my Diclectin, but it's not too helpful, to be honest. So my doctor recommended that I take Gravol. Today I am regretting not picking some up when I picked up my synthroid perscription. BLAH!

I'm not too sure if this is just one of those "morning sickness" nausea or if it's from something else. With my Hypertension, I was told to watch out for it as a symptom. It could also be from my gall bladder. Remember me mentioning having to go for an abdominal ultrasound? It was to check out my innards because I had been having pains after eating. Not severe, but enough for me to have to lie down for an hour or so. I wasn't thinking anything of the ultrasound and was really expecting it to come back all clear. What a surprise when they said that I had gallstones! "Quite a few of them", too, according to the doctor! Apparently it can be common with women after having several children. I had no idea!

I am so thankful that I am not having any of the typical pains with gallstones though. I was reading up on them on a pregnancy forum and the postings were making me so nervous and upset that I had to stop reading! "Pains worse than labor"??? Really? Eek! So far, I only get some sharp pains that last at most an hour, but they don't send me to the hospital. And this only happened for a few days and hasn't returned in about a month, which is such a relief! I am terrified to think that one day they may. I'm quite confident in saying that I don't want to have to go through that! I'm scared enough of labour, and I've gone through that a few times already!

I learned that the main option for "curing" gallstones are to remove the Gall Bladder via laproscopic surgery. Hey, why not, they still haven't found a genuine use for it, which is bizarre! I'm sure it must be useful for something! I can't picture God giving us extra body parts for the fun of it, but they still don't have a "real" use for tonsils yet either. *shrugs* The other option is to take medication to break down the stones, but you have to take these meds for up to 5 years since it takes that long. Are you serious? That's crazy talk! I'm hoping mine just go away. Just because they say that I have "several" of them doesn't tell me the size of them and if I need to be concerned. I was just told to watch for symptoms, such as pain that lasts 5 hours or more, and vomiting and nausea. If I have that, I need to go to the ER. Oh great. So far things are okay and the pain seems to have gone away for the most part; I'm watching my diet more and trying to avoid lots of fat, but I've found that the things that most people say to stay away from don't seem to bother me. (such as cheese and chocolate) I would say that I am blessed. Lucky. And grateful.

This pregnancy is so strange to me. I have all these issues that I was not anticipating and they're all about ME and not about the baby. Which is a good thing, but I am anxious about what else is to come. I am still on the lookout for any suspicious signs of pre-term labour and leaking. Along with all the other symptoms I'm too look out for. Like nausea, headaches, swelling, pain, vomiting, dizziness, sight problems.....h'mm.....what else?

Thankfully none of those have happened to me to a bad degree. Except now I have leg cramps to deal with, which is common in pregnancy, but still. I can't sleep at night because my legs ache and I can't get comfortable. *sigh* The trials a mother must go through to have a baby!

one down...

2011-03-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

Last night, I made my first trip onto the maternity ward at Peace Arch Hospital, where I *will*may* deliver. I hadn't been there in 2 and a half years and a lot has changed as they are just finishing up their upgrades. Wow. It looks great! Totally unrecognizable. Which is good, and sad, since I had so many good baby memories there and it's unfamiliar now, but it was small and needed updating badly, so... all-in-all a good thing. Too bad my visit wasn't a nicer one.

For two days, I had been having strong Braxton Hicks (BH) and some abdominal pain and lower back pain. The first day, I shrugged them off, even though I was concerned. But yesterday, the stomach pain woke me up from my otherwise pleasant napping on the couch! Not nice! I spent the next two hours alternating between BH and the pain, all the while trying to keep myself occupied by unloading/loading the dishwasher (yes, in that order), filling the bread maker with ingredients and sweeping and cleaning my kitchen floors. None of which took away the pain or lessened it or even took my mind off of it. Yet, I still waffled on whether or not I should head into the hospital.

I have this bizarre problem called a "guilt complex". I'm not too sure if it comes from being a Mom or if it's just a "me thing", but it tends to govern how I treat my own health crisis'. I couldn't just head to the hospital because, not only did I have the Youngers at home, but I'd have to go get the Olders from school in two hours, so I'd have to wait. And I didn't want to go when Hunny came home because he'd need help with dinner and getting the kids into bed and prepping for school the next day. And then I couldn't go later because then it would be a late night and we'd never get the sleep we need and...and...and... it's all so silly. But I really hate to inconvenience anyone with my little issues. I even start to tell myself that the nurses and doctors don't need to be bothered with a paranoid mother who doesn't actually have a health problem; I certainly don't need to be taking up their time when they could be dealing with other patients more serious than myself. I'd rather deal with my own problems at home, by myself, not tell anyone. (which is how I end up leaking waters for hours instead of telling my Hunny to come home from work to take me to the hospital for 3 of our children's births, and laboring at home until I was almost fully dialated with the other....*blush*)

But I couldn't shake this feeling where something just "wasn't right". So I finally decided enough was enough and told Hunny I was heading in to PAH. ...that is, after I called the maternity ward to get their opinion and make sure they weren't too busy, and after I called my sister to see if she wanted to go for a drive (my Hunny and Mom insisted that I get her to go with me! I tried not to take it as a thought that they didn't think I could handle it on my own, but it did make me laugh!)---she was out though, so I went alone.

The whole 20 minute drive was full of fear on my part (I am only 24w along) and praying, and BH and pain. I've got it in my head that they'll find something wrong with me, that I'm in early labor (hey, my signs say that I am according to the internet, the evil thing!) and I'll be admitted and put on bed rest. I'm near tears and I'm scared and it's the real reason why I didn't want to go to the hospital earlier.

I got hooked up to the machine and Baby Jellybean and I had our first non-stress test (NST). They listened to baby's heartbeat, and I had to note whenever I felt movement (which was a bit tough as I'd hear the movement on the machine's speakers but sometimes I wouldn't feel it, so I'd have to tell myself not to click the button just because the machine says something!) and I had a probe-thing attached to me to detect any contractions. They monitored me for half an hour, until the nurse lost the baby and all was coming up good. Guess how many contractions or BH I logged during that time? None. Nada. Nothing. Zero. After having them all freakin' day long.... It was a good thing, for sure, but awfully frustrating too.

Since my urine and blood tests came back negative and good and I had no pains or tightenings to show, the doctor cleared me all good and safe to return home. I was in my bed, snuggling for sleep by 11:30pm! (ok, so I didn't go to bed until after midnight, but the point was that I wasn't at PAH for hours on end like I was worried) I was happy and felt a bit better and confident that I wasn't in any early labor, but I didn't get any answers or suggestions for my pain and BH. They did keep asking me if I was "taking it easy.....or as easy as you can with four children." (I was asked that by both nurses and the doctor at different times!) but I'm not too sure how to answer that. I'm *trying* to take it easy, but, again that Guilt Complex comes into play. I feel like I'm not doing *enough*. I spend a lot of my mornings laying down, resting and napping, so I feel by late afternoon I should be doing something. The house is a mess, dinner needs to be made, the dishes are piling up, we're running out of clean clothes... I don't want Hunny to come home and think, "goodness, did she do anything today?" So I'm trying to put an effort out. Especially since one day I may not be able to.

Tonight, I really felt like I was doing "too much". I had no problems whatsoever during the day with BH or pain, and so I was really happy. That is, until I came home from picking up the kids' from school and I started to get really painful back spasms. I was just walking in the kitchen, deciding on dinner, nothing major. But I had been cleaning and had been carrying Rhys around a lot (since he's been asking me to do that lately this week) and I was pooped.

I admit it, I am paranoid. I get scared. Every new week is another to cross of my list, which gives me some relief, but every week also brings fear. Will this week be the week....that I start to leak? that my body fails? that I end up on bed rest? Every pregnancy has been earlier for pre-term. Abi at 37w. Kai at 36w. Bryn at 33w. Rhys at 30w (when I was put on bedrest for leaking, and had complete PROM at 35w, when he was delivered) So I have been on high alert and watch since, oh maybe 16w. *sigh* I haven't slept very good lately. Imagine that. But I want to be paying attention and be sure of what's going on. If there is something happening, I need to be aware so that I can get the help I need. I know that there have been great wonderful advances in medical science that can have a 24 weeker survive, but I surely don't want to have to go through that. Poor Jellybean isn't ready to be born. There's not enough fat to keep her warm, her lungs aren't developed, she's so tiny. It would be wonderful not to lose her and to have her grow strong enough in the NICU, but the developmental issues afterwards are scary! I don't want to have to go through that. So, every week, I breathe a bit better.

I find that I am waiting for 30 weeks to come, as if that is when I think things will happen. I'm just praying it doesn't happen sooner.

It was good to have some reassurance that my body isn't going against me right now and that baby is still safe and that we didn't need to be admitted to the maternity ward. I left the hospital feeling good, but a bit frustrated that all my symptoms disappeared while there. The nurses bid me good night when I left, saying they'd see me again in 16 weeks! We'll see... I have a feeling I'll be back there for more NST's though. We got our first one out of the way though and passed with flying colours! *smile*

I'll Stand with arms high and heart abandoned

2011-03-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

This song has been on my mind tonight. Had to share, of course.

What can I say? What can I do? But to offer this heart, oh God, completely to you.

The Stand - Hillsong United

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

FINALLY!!!! (in which I vent a little)

2011-03-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY have an OB!!! I'm happy and relieved. Especially since I'm already 24 weeks along today (which means I'm in my 6th Month...I think. I forget months and think in terms of weeks during pregnancy, since that's how it goes!) This has been an ongoing challenge for me, something I've been fighting for since the beginning, so I feel frustrated and unsure. Indifferent and cranky. Satisfied and pleased.

I've joked to family about how I'll "try not to be bitter" when I see the Obstetrician at the end of the month, but I really don't think I am. Even though I do feel that I have every right to be. See, soon after I found out I was pregnant, I requested a referral to this specific OB from my own doctor, since I had seen her during my pregnancy with Rhys. I am a High Risk Pregnancy and knew that I'd just likely end up needing to see a specialist anyways, so why not skip the "middle man" at the Maternity Clinic and get the care I needed? However, I hadn't heard anything from them yet and I was nearing the end of my first trimester, so I brought it up to the doctor's receptionist again, to which they called around and found out that this OB didn't want to see me. She wanted me to go through the Mat Clinic first. *roll eyes* Whatever for? You'd think she'd like how I asked for her and wanted her to be my doctor!

So I asked for a different OB at a different hospital. Knowing how I have a tendency to not go full term, I may as well go straight to the hospital with the great NICU (where Bryn was born at 33w) However, I find out that they want me to go through the Mat Clinic first as well, until that doctor says I'm "high risk". Are you kidding me? I already am! I began this pregnancy that way! Once you're "high risk" in one pregnancy, you're considered it for the next ones too!!! Sheesh. So no skipping the "middle man". I begrudgingly went to the Maternity Clinic. I didn't even care who saw me, I was only interested in getting the appointments over and getting them to refer me. But even that wasn't going to happen easily!

I even tried to get a Midwife. I really wanted a specialist who was interested in ME and the baby, who would give me the time of day, who would talk to me and go over concerns I'd had and would let the whole pregnancy feel "natural" and beautiful, instead of tiring and heavy, as it's been for me before. Like a midwife would do. I looked up online for midwives in the area, checked out the ones that had delivering abilities at the hospitals I wanted, and even asked friends for opinions. But that didn't work out well for me in the end either, as they won't take on High Risk Pregnancies; which I understand, but also felt bummed about.

What was it going to take to get a specialist to care for me and the baby????

To say that the first 16 weeks weren't stressful would be a lie. I was so stressed and so upset and worried and paranoid and angry and frustrated! I was trying to be proactive but I felt I wasn't being taken seriously, and it was difficult. To say that in the past 6 months I have been preoccupied by this whole issue would be downplaying it. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything else other than this problem, much to the faltering of my business and my family. *sigh*

But then things picked up.

After they fell apart, that is.

I had high blood pressure. And when I say "high", I mean really high. As in not good high. As in I needed to be seen by a team of specialists out at BC Women's Hospital that deals only in high BP during pregnancy. This team takes on only special cases, those that are pre-eclampsia and IUGR. I was freaking out when I learned that! I was told by many not to worry and to not get too far ahead of myself, but well, what else was I to do but look online for more information??? I know, I know, some people would say that is a bad idea, but I'd rather be informed at the options and choices and solutions than to not have a clue going into something. Of course, that also only made me convinced that not only was I pre-e, but I was one of those rare cases of pre-e that show up really early, even though it typically only does in late term. I had convinced myself that this pregnancy was doomed and I'd be on bed rest and maybe hospitalized and spent much of my time praying that we'd make it to a reasonable stage of the pregnancy for viability. (which I am very close to now, thankfully)

I walked into the EMMA clinic with apprehension and concern, and left with assurance and hope. After an ultrasound, detailed past history, medical knowledge (not mine of course, the team of doctors) consistent BP checks, some medication, and a lot of appointments it was determined that my hypertension was pre-existing. What a shock that was to me. It wasn't even an option that popped into my head! Sure, it was a possibility on every site I looked up, but I hadn't even considered it. I've never had high blood pressure. Never. How could this be something I entered the pregnancy with? What an idea! But this all was detected at 14 weeks, so it was the most obvious suggestion.

I was not at high risk for pre-e! HOORAY! In fact, they assessed me at only a 30% chance of it becoming that! What a relief! But what another surprise I had when, at my appointment, the doctor I was seeing "kicked me out" of the EMMA Clinic!!! It was a good thing, indeed, but also something I wasn't expecting! Instead, I was to be followed by the Internal Medicine Doctor, who deals with hypertension outside of pregnancy from now on.

I see Dr M every two weeks, and we check my blood pressure and go over any issues that I may have and we discuss medication (currently I am not on any as my blood pressure is great!) and she sends me for lab work. Lots of lab work. I have my urine checked and whatever else they look at in my blood (lol) and things are being regulated. I go out to Vancouver so often, I am used to it and I enjoy it! I love this doctor and her intern doctor (at least, I think that's who she is. Or she's doing her practicum, I'm not too sure. I don't understand it all. But she's a doctor and I like her a lot too!) and I feel good and secure and happy. I feel that things are being taken care of.

But then I forget that this woman is taking care of ME. She's *my* doctor, and I still don't have a "baby doctor". I hadn't even seen my own doctor at the maternity clinic in two months, when he said he'd put a referral in to an OB for me just after Christmas, and I hadn't heard from that doctor either. So when that reality set in again, it was frustrating. Granted, things were going well, and I was being monitored on a regular basis, and the baby was growing and I could feel constant kicking, so in that aspect I didn't need to be too concerned. But I was annoyed at feeling discarded. When I finally did get in to the Mat Clinic again, I was feeling so let down over the whole issue that I just didn't *care* anymore. I wasn't going to fight or push or anything. I'll just take the first specialist they'll give me.

So I'm going to see the OB that I requested back in October.

Yeah. The one that didn't want to see me. I feel I have a "right" to be bitter over it all, and in some ways I am. But in more ways, I also feel relieved and resigned about the whole thing. I was starting to think that maybe I didn't even need a doctor, that I'd done this all before and would go in to the hospital I wanted to deliver at when I felt I needed to! After all, no doctor has actually even delivered any of my children, they'd all been too late or left the room for unusual reasons when I'd been fully dialated! But then I don't want to become "that kind of mom"...the one who self-diagnoses and then finds herself in trouble later on.

So when I see this doctor at the end of the month, I'll do my best to accept her type of care and her insight into my High Risk-edness, and to not try to mess it up. I'll also try real hard not too let my mind get ahead of itself and to think up issues that aren't happening. I've had too many sleepless nights because of paranoia of early leaking, and of constant checking and questioning myself. After all, maybe things will be okay. Maybe I won't even *need* this OB. Maybe it will all turn out for naught. Wouldn't that be a blessing? I am trying to convince myself that I won't have any baby issues, even though past history tells me otherwise. One thing I do believe already is that every pregnancy is different.

Isn't that the truth!

Placebo Girl

2011-02-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

I had to make another trip downtown to BC Women's to see my wonderful specialist, and I felt so sick, and I didn't want to go b/c I felt sick, and I didn't want to cough in my favouritist' sister's car and spread my germs all over her borderline germophobe personal space, but I also wanted to go b/c I wanted the doctor to see that I was sick and I wanted her to tell me that I should stay in bed and be pampered and that I should really start to take some strong medication to make me normal again. It was a conflicting appointment for me. As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor, somehow our conversation got onto being sick (imagine that...maybe it was all the tissues I kept grabbing to cough into) and medications and my sister made a comment about me needing a placebo. Which got me thinking.

A placebo. H'mm....

And it occurred to me that she is completely correct. That's the nice thing about family; they know you. But I am in need of a placebo. And if I'm really honest, I think I would be able to admit that I'd rather have a placebo than have to take actual medications on a daily basis! Give me a pretend medication, make me feel better. Is it bad that I can admit to that or is that just admitting the sad state of my mind? I think the truth is that I just want someone to care, to put an effort out, make me feel better, even for just a moment. I want to be babied sometimes!

I was feeling so bad for myself one night, laying in bed, hacking, coughing, and sputtering, and crying. I knew I wasn't dying and wasn't close to it, but my mind kept thinking of all these terrible things happening, like what if I actually couldn't breathe and I had to crawl down the hall, panting and wheezing, trying to get someone's attention, while fumbling for the phone so that I can dial 9-1-1 and start banging on the digits just so they can figure out there is a serious problem on the other end and they need to send someone over stat to heal me. (Yeah, my mind is a wonder, isn't it?) What if no one noticed that I needed serious help? The thought was oppressing my mind, weighing on me, making me feel worse. Finally, I got up, in tears, and confessed to my Hunny that I was most likely going to die on my own in the bedroom while he watched tv. He took care of me and made me feel better, and half an hour later, I could go back to bed, feeling confident that things were ok.

Yeah, I need a placebo. I'm happy with simple care. Someone to listen to me and not laugh at my drama. A gentle hug, an encouraging word. It makes my heart feel lighter and I can continue on and feel strengthened.

I left the doctor's office with a nice prescription for a strong medication and immediately I felt a good 90% better than I had that morning. And I hadn't even started the medication yet!!! It was just knowing that it wasn't all in my head that made me feel better. The next day, whilst on our way to yet another appointment, I was talking to my wonderfulest sister about how easy things can change for me. I can honestly say that I would be perfect for those medical studies where they give half the test group the real meds and the other half the placebos. I'd be completely happy in the placebo group!

I'm not too sure how I feel about this though. I think it's great to admit that I don't need a lot to make me feel secure, yet the thought that I can be deceived and possibly feel "okay" about it makes me feel uneasy. It's a complex thought. I obviously don't like being lied to and I am deeply hurt and offended by people who are fake or aren't deep, yet I am also simple enough to be able to accept pseudo care. Maybe the word isn't "simple". Maybe it's "strong". Yeah, let's go with that one. Maybe I'm confident enough and am smart enough to know the truth and that in some circumstances, having a placebo is enough b/c I know that's what it is.

Maybe the whole thing really just shows how easy it is to turn things around for me. It's not about how "simple" I am, and it doesn't mean that I have esteem issues or anything. Instead, it is a way to see how to help me get back on my feet. When I need help, I just need a little sympathy, someone to tell me that it's not all in my head, and to help me pick myself back up. A placebo doesn't have to mean "fake." I just need some reassurance sometimes.

Bunny Luv

2011-02-19T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ginger sure has grown since the last time we saw her! Wow. Now look at her! She looks like a little sausage!

I decided to take her out of her cage for a bit of hopping around on Abi's bed. You have to be careful with her and supervise, though; she's the sneaky one and will try to find a way off the bed and into the wide open spaces of the room, whereas Thumper looks down to the ground and says he's not big enough to jump that far! *smile*

Rhys absolutely loves the bunnehs and wants to cuddle, hug, kiss, and hold them whenever he can. Funnily enough though, once one is placed in his lap, he freaks out, so we don't do that too often!

Both Abi & Rhys have similar gentle personalities in the way they handle pets, which is really sweet to see. I hope Ginger feels loved! (and not squashed and cornered!)

Hope this feeds your Bunneh desires for now. Abi is still looking to convince her Daddy that we NEED to have baby bunnies, so if you are seriously considering a pet bunny (hey, thinking ahead to Easter is a wise thing to start now) then drop me a line! *big grin*

house full of sickies

2011-02-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

The plague has hit here. Well, not *that* plague, just influenza. At least I think that's what it is, but that's because I don't want to admit it's worse and that we all need to see a doctor. Hunny has been sick the longest, starting over a week ago. But it was Kai who really started it for the family. Not that I'm blaming him, I'm just stating things as I see it! Really.

On Monday, we got a phone call from the school to say that he needed to be picked up because he had an eye infection. Of course, this also happened to be at the same time when I was at the lab having my Glucose Tolerance test, which meant that I couldn't leave the lab for two hours (which was a surprise as I thought it was only the one-hour test when I went in), and also when I had the van, and when Hunny was at home too sick to do much. Great. Are they sure it just wasn't some dust in his eye? Somehow Hunny was going to have to find a way to get Kai without me.

When I came home from my GT test, I found out that he actually did have an eye infection! It was all gross and watery. Just the left eye though. I took him into the clinic for some antibiotics and some simple instructions on applying eye drops. (and let me tell you, they did not go as easy as the doctor said it should be! Why it needed to be so dramatic was beyond me! Kai fussed and cried and put up such a stink over the whole thing that it was all we could do to get those drops into his eyes. We tried three different methods too, all of which weren't invasive and didn't require anything actually touching his eye! oh the drama!) We were called by the school about an hour after it began, which is surprising since he didn't appear sick when we dropped him off, and his eye looked fine. But apparently it was a fast-acting infection because by the time I went to pick up his prescription, it had jumped to his other eye as well! Oh great! Poor Kai's eyes were watery, pus-y and puffy, and he looked like he was wearing a reddish eye mask. He spent the next few days at home, on the couch, sleeping.

On Thursday, his eyes weren't any better, and him taking his eye drops weren't getting any easier, and now he was complaining about a sore ear. Bryn was also not himself, after spending all morning curled up on the couch napping. So back to the doctor! He diagnosed Kai with an ear infection and gave us new eye drops, and said that Bryn's ear was a bit red, but we may as well treat it as an infection, just in case.

We thought getting Kai to take eye drops was difficult....try getting some Amoxil into Bryn! That turned out to be an ordeal all on it's own! Any bit we got into his mouth, he'd gag and spit it out. We soon gave up and decided that it wasn't worth the fighting. He just did not like the stuff. Which is funny because when I opened the bottle, I had such happy memories flood me. I remembered taking Amoxicillan as a child and I loved the banana flavour! Thankfully, Kai takes after me, and he's taken his meds just fine. Which could be why his eye has cleared up and his ear isn't sore anymore.

Currently, the whole family is down for the count! It hit me and Abi on Thursday night, so we've all been house and couch-bound all weekend. I'm not too sure if we all have infections and need to see the doctor for meds or not, but it does appear to be in our chests and sinus'. Everyone is coughing and coughing. And napping. And whining. And mostly miserable. The good news was that Hunny was starting to appear better. He was doing stuff, useful stuff, like laundry and cleaning and making meals, while the rest of us could only watch and listen from our perches on the couch. That is, until last night. :( Now he is back to being sick and napping.

Hunny and I are so different when it comes to being sick. If there is something going around, I will most likely catch it, according to my Hunny. I like to believe it's possible that I won't though! But he's probably correct. When I do get sick, I succumb pretty fast and easy, I don't fight it! I wrap myself up in a blanket and I mope and occasionally I like to bemoan my tragic state. If I feel really ill, I start to lament how I'm DYYYYYIIINNG!!! (well, in my defense, it can sure feel like it when I'm sick and I'm wondering how I'm supposed to muster up the energy to take care of children!) Hunny is more grown-up about it. He has this inborn trait that enables him to continue living despite his body telling him otherwise. He's always been able to accomplish things, such as going in to work several times this past week (even when I thought he should've stayed home) and taking care of the family. We are so lucky to have him! Sometimes I wish I had his attitude, but then I remind myself that when you're sick, you're supposed to rest. It's your body's way of telling you to sleep and get better! So I think we both have benefits to our responses.

I hope this plague doesn't last too much longer. Kai has already missed a week of school, I'd hate for him to miss more, but I am also not too sure if he's ready to go back. The rest of the family isn't at that stage yet though. So far, Rhys hasn't been sick at all, but he's been coughing and he has a fever. Maybe he takes after his Daddy! I think we're all ready for this to pass by now.

20 Plus weeks

2011-02-07T23:41:00.001-08:00

It's been 20 Plus weeks since I've sat here. Not here at this desk, typing at this keyboard, but here Here. It's been 20 Plus weeks since I've sat here connecting.

I know because the scan says so, and the email says so, and the calendar says so. 20 Plus weeks of illness, exhaustion, darkness, grasping, stress and fear. Of frustration, impatience, confusion, disappointment, and emptiness.

But they say I am halfway done now, and I can be assured in things, and I can relax as the rest is all downhill. But not downhill in a bad, too-fast-for-me race to the death, but downhill in an exciting ride, where you lean back in the bicycle, throw your hair into the wind, release your grip from the handlebars for just a moment and just ride, full of joy. Full of life.

I want the next 2o weeks to be full of Life and Living. And Joy.

can we fix our kids today?

2011-01-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

I read this recently and thought it was very interesting. It comes from Huffington Post, written by Mark Goulston, MD.

How America Messed Up Its Kids... And How We Can Fix Them

In today's world of blame and finger-pointing, we're teaching our kids that accountability and responsibility are slippery slopes that don't mean what they used to. For example, have you witnessed a parent-teen conversation that went anything like this:

Teenager: "Please, Mom and Dad, just let me do this, and I promise that I will take full responsibility for it."

Parent: "Do you realize that taking full responsibility means that if it backfires and goes wrong, you will own up to it, pay back whatever it takes to make up for it going wrong and learn from it so that it doesn't happen again?"

Teenager: "I didn't agree to that."

Parent: "Well, then what do you think taking full responsibility means?"

Teenager: "That if it goes wrong, I will say, 'I'm sorry.'"

If you have witnessed such a conversation, do you agree with the following?

Among our main roles and responsibility as parents is to teach, coach, guide and pass on to our children the character (and I do mean character) traits of self-reliance, resourcefulness, initiative, taking responsibility for one's actions and learning from one's mistakes (see "How to Raise a Self-Confident Child").

If at age 18 they are lacking these, they are going to find success, happiness and life in general a challenge and even overwhelming.

To bring it into sharper focus, consider that at the exact moment that you as a parent bail out your child from facing the consequences of their screw-ups and taking full responsibility for them, literally millions of children in this world the same age as your child are taking full responsibility for their actions and becoming smarter, stronger and wiser. Within the next 10 to 20 years, those children (from China, India and elsewhere) will become your child's boss, and they won't bail out or accept your child's excuses. Instead, they will fire your children.

How Did America Mess Up Its Kids? Click to finish the article.

I know that I struggle with worries on raising my own children. I have one especially Spirited child that I struggle with the most. Admittedly, he is just like me and his attitude is a reflection of mine and we have a lot in common, but I still am unsure. When I look back on my life, my memories, my feelings and thoughts, I don't recall being this spirited. Yes, I do remember that when I made up my mind about something, I meant it and if I said something was done, it was, no matter what anyone else wanted to do! But I don't remember fighting my parents so much...at such a young age. But then again, our minds choose to remember certain things and omit the others, doesn't it? *sigh* I worry that I'll fail in teaching my children (especially said difficult twin of mine!), that I won't be able to instill the character they need, the compassion they need, the responsibility they need to be good young adults. But I do have a good background. I am surrounded by wonderful mentors in my own extended family, we have good teachers at their school who work on teaching good principles as well, and we attend a great church. At the risk of offending anyone, I think that to raise a child well, you really do need to have a belief in something bigger than yourself, some would call it "religion". You need to have a set of standards to base your teaching on. I can't imagine not believing in something, not having that assurity that you're not alone, that you're not doing it all just for the sake of doing it, and not having some sort of guidelines.
But that's just my opinion.
What are your thoughts?

Speech again

2010-11-13T00:16:00.001-08:00

Kai got a note sent home from school recently; it's been sitting on my kitchen counter and I haven't responded to it yet. The note irks me and it probably shouldn't. But it does. It came from the Learning Assistance Coordinator regarding his speech needs. They suggest that he participate in a "muscle-based therapy approach" that is "highly recommended" by a Speech and Language Therapist contracted by the school.

Now, to get it across, I am not against him needing more speech therapy, nor am I against this program or even the note. It's just that I am feeling frustrated that we have this in the first place, when I mentioned it last year that he still needed therapy. But then, they shrugged me off with a "all grade one children pronounce things wrong" comment, even when I knew they didn't. Just Kai.

He still struggles with pronouncing Ls and Rs. Case in point: the other day, while in the van driving to church, he was telling us about this "squorol" that came with some action figure. (I really had no idea what he was talking about, and even after learning what he said, I was still confused!) I corrected him in my head that he said SCROLL. It's what made sense to me. This figure came with a scroll. Okay. But I was wrong. Abi tried to decifer what he was saying as well, and we finally learned that he said it came with a SQUIRREL. (yeah, I don't get it!) It's simple words like that that he can't nunciate. Things that he's struggled with for over a year.

When he was in Kindergarten, he attended Speech Therapy at a private clinic on a bi-weekly basis until his ST said that he had graduated to his grade level by that Spring. We were pleased; all was well. He still continued some assistance in class, but we all thought he was good enough at the end of the year. When grade one arrived, I wondered if he'd need to see the Learning Assistance during school again, and after the first month passed, I inquired about it, just to have the coordinator tell me it wasn't necessary as he was still within that grade one acceptability level. I didn't agree, but let it slide. After all, they didn't feel he needed it and I didn't want to burden over-worked LA staff by fighting it, and we couldn't afford the fee at the private clinic, so there wasn't much I could do. But as the year started to wind down, and his speech didn't get any better, I was starting to feel a bit concerned. So this year, I was hoping for someone else at school to notice it too! Thankfully, I was able to talk to his teacher about it in September, and she agreed to his delayment. Thus the note.

Yet it still sits on my kitchen counter. I haven't sent the permission slip back yet and it's been two weeks. I know he needs the help, but I'm not too sure if this program is going to do it. It's the same one he was on in Kindergarten, using horns and straws "to develop specific muscle skill, tone and strength needed for proper speech." Did it help him in Kindergarten? Is it going to help him now? I feel torn. Although, the $30 for the (non-reusable) straws and horns is a better price than paying for private therapy, I am still feeling unsure.

Kai still needs help, it's obvious (thankfully, he hasn't noticed his struggles and he doesn't feel embarrassed by his pronunciation. I'd hate for him to be weighed down by this.) but I worry about choosing the right method with him. Maybe this is the way to go for now, and we assess it again in January. I should just sign the silly note and get his therapy going, shouldn't I?!

*sigh*

I heart drummers

2010-11-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Drumming is a "family thing". Or I like to think it is. My uncle was/is a drummer. My brother is a drummer. I'm hoping one of my boys is a drummer. It just seems like something that needs to stay in the family! Needless to say, I've grown up listening to drumming. It is such an amazing instrument and I admit to having girly crushes on really talented drummers! *smile* I love the beat, the thrumming in your chest, and the mood and intensity it brings. How could someone not like drums? Isn't that everyone's favourite instrument in a parade? (that, followed by bagpipes, of course!)

I came across this video recently of a young drummer in Florida who is amazing and I knew I'd have to share it with you!

Ricky Ficarelli

Waves Of Grace

2010-11-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

This song touches me deeply that I end up listening to it over and over again. May you feel His waves of grace wash over you today too.

This is performed by Trinity Western University Praise Chapel, right here in Langley.

Waves Of Grace

The walls are high, the walls are strong
I’ve been locked in this castle
That I’ve built for far too long
You have surrounded me, a sea on every side
The cracks are forming and I’ve got nowhere to hide

Now I see
The walls I’ve built are falling
And Your waves of grace are washing over me
(Repeat x2)

My heart’s been hard, I have been blind
I have often worked so hard to keep You from my mind
I have ruled my life, in a palace built on sand
I want You to reign, Lord, take me by the hand

Lord please reign in every part
I give my life to You, I open up my heart
I want to be like You, I want to seek Your face
O Lord please wash me in Your awesome waves of grace

Songwriter: David Noble

8 going on 13

2010-11-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Abi practiced her babysitting skills the other night. She helped bathe the Youngers, then read them stories and tucked them into bed. It made me smile. She's such a sweetheart. In just four years, I'll be able to rent her out hourly. I mean, she'll be able to make some extra money. I loved babysitting and know she will too. She already asks when she's allowed to start! *smile*

Abi's starting to grow up and as much as it excites me, it makes me nervous. During the summer, she did another First: she walked to the gas station down the street by herself. Well, almost by herself. She went with her older cousin, whom I trusted. I knew she was responsible enough to get there safely, but she still needed to pass a test first. I needed her to be able to tell me the directions and route she was taking. She struggled with communicating, and there were some tears and anger that her parents would demand such a cruel task, but she did it! We gave her my cell phone with instructions to call us when she arrived, and when she did 7 minutes later, it was the voice of a confident, mature girl on the other end. (albeit one with a young high-pitched voice!)
My little girl is growing up.

I read an article where it said that "eight is the new thirteen" and at first I wasn't too sure I agreed. But then all these little things were pointed out that got me thinking. A lot of children are doing thing much earlier than before. How many kids have seen PG-13 movies and been under 13? And yes, I am aware is it "parental guidance" and it's "okay" if accompanied by an adult, and is a decision a parent needs to make for their child, but how many parents just say "yes" without considering the consequences? We expose our children to too much too early. My girl is only eight and I want her to stay a child for the time she's supposed to. She doesn't need a cell phone or spa treatments or to watch drama-filled teen movies or tv shows.

One weekend recently, my Hunny was bored and like most men, decided to flip through the tv channels. I find that irksome (I have a love-hate relationship with tv that I don't understand) and he ended up on the Family Channel and the kids watch a few of their "family shows, which I find even more irksome: fake characters who are either all stupid, vain, clumsy or overdramatic. {grr} I was quite surprised at the shows we watched; shows that are "good" because they don't contain sex or violence and are of families. But have you ever actually watched these? in the two we watched, the main male characters are apx 14 years old, yet they try to act suave, trying to win over the girls with winks, nods and the catch phrase, "hey baby" like little Players. Are you serious? Is this what we want our kids to watch? Is this what I want my own children to base their impression of "real" teenagers on? Is this how I want my own boys to think they're supposed to act? And the girls aren't any better being stupid and van and dressing sexy!
*sigh*
I'm just not ready for this next stage of my child's life to begin. She's still a Child. It amazes me at how many people find these shows, these characters, these movies, these games appropriate. I am so happy my children are sheltered. I'm glad they're not exposed to over-sexed under-aged "role models" (yes, I"m looking at your, Miley) I'm glad that I'm still the main influence in their life and that they still base their opinions on what I say. ( a humbling realization. I have the power to mold their minds, to build up character or lead them to ignorance and apathy)

I am confident in the direction Abi is going, but it's a scary world to release her to. I am thankful that, even though she is a bit more mature than I was at that age, she still loves the Disney Fairies and Webkinz. She's not turning into a teenager or expecting to be treated like one at her next birthday! I still have a few more years to prepare her for that!

when prayers get answered

2010-11-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever struggle when God answers you? I do and I feel silly for it. Okay, I only mostly feel silly when it finally occurs to me that I've been treading cautiously with Him and His promises. But I am incredibly suspicious. I'd like to say it's because I'm being Discerning, but I'm really just Doubtful. I pray for things, I lament about my wants, I cry over my wishes, and when He grants them I doubt His ability. And mine.

First I just don't want to believe it's true and that it's happened. Denial. Then as it sinks in, I start to have my own self doubts. Maybe I shouldn't have prayed this. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this is more like a Consequence than a Blessing. What have I done?

But tonight, as those words popped into my head, and tears started to sting my eyes (because I'm an emotional gnome), I read a post by KingdomMama that hit me. I can do All Things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

When God answers my prayers, it is a blessing, not a curse. When He gives me a gift, it is because He knows I can handle it. When He chooses to change our lives, it is because He sees the end result.

I don't have to disbelieve Him. or Myself. It's true that I can't do it on my own, but He never asked me to. And I am going to rejoice in His answering of prayer and ignore the voices that try to get me to focus on other things, like my fears. He has blessed me and He believes in me and that's all that matters.

break's almost over

2010-11-01T23:54:00.001-07:00

I took a break. A long break. I don't know if I've ever had this long of a break from here before. And it came out of nowhere, for no reason. I just stopped coming here and checking out the blogs and didn't get around to updating anything. No reason. Other than being tired, of course. But other than that, since that's normal for me, it was abrupt.

I can't say if I'm "back" or not, I just felt like popping in again. But maybe that's how things start. If it was so easy for to just stop, theoretically it should be just as easy to get back into the habit of blogging. I always have things on my mind...I've just got to get them into written word.

...and that's all I have.

Makes you think....

2010-10-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

I came across these videos tonight that I KNEW I just had to share.

Pt 1: the overpopulation myth

Pt 2: 2.1 Kids: A Stable Population

Pt 3: Food: there's lots of it

I love these. They are my New Favourites! My favouritest is the one on the kids, since I get shocked looks and sometimes disdain when people hear that I have four children! Hey, I'm just doing my part. Are you? *smile*

TGIF!

2010-10-01T23:10:00.001-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Adjusting

2010-10-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

The Olders are back in school and loving it and B started Preschool and he's doing great, so things should be settling down for me, and I should be in a rhythm now, but I don't feel that way. Instead, I feel exhausted. I feel that fear of mornings again, where I attempt to muster up some energy to drive to the school (a tumbler filled with hot chocolate works for a bit, but then gives me a tummy ache! and I'm not a coffee drinker.) but feel like collapsing during the day. I've seen the doctor and my thyroid isn't out enough to cause this much fatigue and it isn't anything else (I know what you're thinking!) so I guess it's just that I Don't Do Mornings Well. At all.

Phooey.

I wonder oftentimes if I'll ever get it figured out and I don't know. It's a depressing thought. So far, things seem to be on a downward scale and I don't see the possibility of a difference. But I must be open to the chance of a productive day, or else I have no hope. But in reality, I am frightened that this is all there is for me; constantly exhausted and struggling for normalcy.

This is the time for adjustments and tweaking things, for working on schedules and trying new options. And hoping it'll start to come easier for me to figure out.

worlds apart

2010-09-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

My heart is yearning and desiring a change and a deeper relationship, and when I don't know how to respond or fix things, I seek solace in music. So I pulled out a cd that I haven't listened to in a long time, and that brought my search to the internet and videos and I came across a song that didn't always effect me the way it does now. It stirs my heart. He is calling me.

Worlds Apart ~ Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

take my world apart.

Scrappy Sunday: Rhys

2010-08-29T16:54:00.001-07:00

I haven't played with my MDS nearly enough, nor have I scrapbooked, but there were these cute pictures of Rhys that needed to be done.

Sometimes it's tough for Abi being the only girl in our family, but she always manages to convince her brothers to dress up in girly clothes! This time it was Rhys. He made an adorable girl for about half an hour!

Third time's a Charm

2010-08-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

Like every good child born over 20 years ago, I had chicken pox. I don't remember it at all though. I don't know if I caught it from a sibling or a neighbour, or if I spread it. I don't even know how old I was and if I was troublesome to my parents. Maybe that's what my problem is. Maybe if it were more memorable, I wouldn't have gone out and caught the infectious virus a second time.

They say you can't do that, but I showed them all! Except that I don't recall that event either! Was it soon after the first bout? Was it more difficult on me or my mom? How does it happen twice? The only evidence I have to such an ailment are the pock marks that appear so white along my legs when I am cold or when my legs are tired. (usually when standing too long)

If getting chicken pox a second time is almost unheard of, why are so many adults getting it? Of course, they give it a different name, as to not alarm you, but it happens. I can attest to it! For I befell the chicken pox a Third time. Except they call is the herpes zooster virus. (not to be confused with oral herpes or the STD) It's painful. I don't recommend being as advantageous as myself and activating it.

Just what is the herpes zooster virus? I'm glad you asked---otherwise my attempts at mystery are just annoying!--It is SHINGLES! Yes, shingles. Apparently it's not just for the elderly! What a surprise it was for me when the doctor at the clinic told me. Shingles? Are you serious?

It started out as these itchy sore bumps on the underside of my forearm that I thought were bug bites. Actually, my first thought was spider bites in the night, but there were 7 of them and not placed close enough for fangs. So I thought bugs. But what kind and why so many and how in the world did they bite me there? I noticed them on a Saturday morning; they were red and itchy. That night, I had a shooting pain in my arm that woke me up. On Sunday, it hurt to move my arm! I'm not ashamed to admit that I was starting to feel paranoid. The spots were red and pain was starting to spread into my armpit and into my muscle. I kept thinking these bug bites were infected and I was terribly sick. I'd lament to my Hunny, "Will you still love me with one arm?"
My Hunny just laughed. "You're not going to lose am arm!"
I pouted. "You don't know that. Besides, you didn't answer my question."
It took him a good fifteen minutes, be he finally said that he'd still love me with one arm. I'm not too sure I believe him, frankly. It took him too long. So tragic.

So, the doctor at the clinic says it's Shingles. That's Chicken Pox for those who've already had chicken pox! What fun. Except it wasn't. The good thing is that it wasn't too itchy and that it is only on a small area (as opposed to a full body break out with the actual chicken pox) Of course, I had to read up on it and I learned quite a bit. Did you know that they don't have an actual cause for them? Doctors just know that the virus lays dormant in your neck at the base of your spine, and something triggers it's reactivation. Stress, of course, is the number 1 cause, but sometimes I wonder if they say that because they don't really have a good answer or reason. My doctor asked if I had a sunburn recently and since I had, he said that could've caused it too, which was very interesting. I couldn't find that written anywhere, but my Mom, a retired nurse, said she remembered something about that too. Very curious. The other thing is that it isn't contagious. Well, sortof. It is to those who haven't had chicken pox before or haven't had the vaccine, which includes my Hunny. So he was a *bit* paranoid! It took him a day or two to finally believe me that if I was going to pass it to him, he would've already had it since contagons usually get passed within the first three days.

(My Hunny may be in the small percentage who never get chicken pox. There are some who have a natural immunity to it. The only way to find out is to do a blood test though, and that hasn't been the top of our priority list, so this will remain a mystery. He could get the vaccine as well, if he was concerned, but obviously it doesn't keep him awake at night either as he hasn't opted to do that, even though we've been told that having chicken pox as an adult is worse than having it as a child. We did decide to get the vaccine for our children, although I do wonder why. Maybe they have an immunity as well. I guess I don't know enough about chicken pox, but isn't the virus just a nuisance? I'm not too sure why we have to erradicate it. I suppose it is nicer to not have to get it, but does it really matter if you did? It was such a 'childhood rite of passage' growing up that I find it strange to think that our children and children's children won't have to go through it. But then I tell myself that I'm being silly. Do we really want our children to go through illnesses if they don't have to? I suppose if they don't have chicken pox, they won't have shingles later either. That's a good thing!)

day 3:

The main thing I read about Shingles is how painful it is, which had me concerned. Some people go on morphine? Really? Yikes! How bad was this going to be for me? In the beginning it wasn't too bad, just sore and achey, but not what I'd call morphine-needed pain. That is, until day Three. I was taking Extra-Strength Tylenol but it wasn't helping and it just felt worse as the day went on. By the time Hunny came home, I was in tears. So after dinner, he took a trip to the store for something stronger. I'm on no-name acetaminaphin with codeine. It helps, but I need to keep up with it. I was also on two different medications: an antibiotic and an antiviral. (the antibiotic smelled so nasty. I made Hunny smell it and he gagged a few times. *snicker*)

day 8:

This is a bad picture of the pox, but you can kind of see how they have crusted over now. They were more itchy then, but the pain was gone as soon as that happened, so I was happy. Things were starting to look up for me. Except when the top came off, then the pain returned! Boo! But I was so happy to say that things were all cleared up by day 10! I had friends who were praying for me and it obviously worked!

A month later, there are still slight scarring after, and I get achiness in the area every now and then, but am happy to be able to put this behind me. Or can I? I didn't learn if shingles can be caught over and over yet. (I heard that there is a vaccine available though, so that's a thought.) *grumble*

when they're not ready

2010-08-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

I've been working on potty training for a few months now. No, not for me, I'm fine, thank-you very much. For B. I was hoping that he would have it all ready and done by the end of June and we could spend summer with the training behind us. However, things did not work out like that at all. Instead, we are nearing the end of August and we're still working on the potty training. And it has been such a huge strife for us. Hunny and I are frustrated and lost and at our wit's end.

I stopped the Pull Ups (don't get me started on those! What a waste of money those are! I won't be falling into that Pampers trap with Rhys!!!) and we pulled out the underwear, which B was very excited to wear. Then we took away the underwear in hopes it would step up the awareness issue, which helped for a bit. All was looking good for a while as he was having no troubles making it to the bathroom to urinate, and I thought we were in the home stretch. But then things changed.

This past week, it feels like we've taken two giant steps backwards. He's been peeing on the floor, he's been peeing in his underwear, he's been peeing in his swimming trunks. And he'll just stand there and stare at the puddle in surprise as if he had no idea what just happened, didn't know it was going to occur. And I'm left wondering how it came to this. Did he forget this talent or was he always just 'lucky' before? And don't get me started on the poop!!!

We just don't know what to do. When will he get it?

We've all heard the statement that one day he'll just "get it" and you can't really train a child until they are "ready" and let me just say that while that is true, it is also full of emptiness. I want to know HOW and WHEN he'll "get it". We've been working at this for several months and he doesn't seem any closer than he was when we started.

My question is What do you do when he doesn't "get it"? How do I stop the training, or do I? Do I put him into diapers again, or do I just cheerfully clean his dirty underwear everyday? Do I make him clean himself? I've tried it all and nothing seems to help. Instead, B is still oblivious and we're more frustrated. He doesn't even try to go to the toilet! I don't know what my next step is.

He starts preschool in two weeks, and yes, it's only for 2 hours a few times a week and so he could go in a diaper or maybe even underwear if he's careful (but I'm not confident on that idea yet) but still...we told him all the way back in May that he needed to be potty trained to attend school. He knows what he needs to do. He's done it once before. He understands the process. But he won't do it. Or maybe he can't. How do you know the difference? I thought he Could but now I wonder if maybe he's not ready because he honestly doesn't know how to eliminate. *sigh*

I hate this whole process. I hated it with Abi and Kai but I hate it even more with B. It seems as though each child has progressively gotten worse! What is it going to be like with Rhys? The nice thing is that he's interested in sitting on the potty, so I'm going to start working with him now as well. Maybe he'll get it quickly! What a blessing that would be! It's so hard because while I can show him the potty, I can't make him go in it! Argh, I make a poor teacher!

I mostly wish that it didn't bother me so much. I wish I could be more relaxed about it and more patient, and some days I am, but mostly I feel tense and frustrated! My friend found out a quote where it says that something like only 3% of children are ever fully potty trained by age 4. That did make me feel a *bit* better, but it also shocked me. Seriously? I find it really hard to believe. In that case, Abi & Kai were above-average when they were trained at age 3 1/2! And I thought that was too old!!!

I could really use some encouragement and advice for others on this. I'm at a loss and I hate feeling this way.

Love Bun

2010-08-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

My husband is a softie. He doesn't want anyone to know, so lets keep this on the DL, ok? But it's true. He also likes to surprise us with things. Like last weekend; what a big one that was!

The day was a normal one. We were heading out to Chilliwack to visit my parents, but we had to stop in a pet store first. Hunny needed to look for some kind of tube for fishtanks for some reason or another. The kids and I just wanted to go in and see the pets, because really, pet stores are like zoos, but for free! *smile* This was the same petstore that we got Thumper at last summer, too, so of course we had to check out the newest bunnies! Oh goodness, they were adorable! So tiny and fluffy! And the kittens brought out a collection of "awww"s from the kids. And the birds, they were beautiful. And the snakes and tarantulas...okay, they were NOT cute or sweet or even sigh-inducing. Not even from the boys! But the bunnies...oh, they were cute and they begged to be picked up and snuggled. Really. They did. I could hear it in their tiny bunny voices. Pick me up. Buy me. Hold me. Love me. But *sigh* alas, no bunnies for us! *pout* One day, we tell the children. But they've been waiting for a whole year for that "one day".

When we got Thumper, we discussed getting another bunny and raising baby bunnies. How much fun would that be??? *squee* But we haven't had the money to put aside to buy another one, because we would need a whole new cage, plus all the supplies all over again. Hunny has been looking for a few months at bunny prices though, keeping an eye out, calculating and considering. But we aren't quite ready for another one yet. One day. Soon.

So we head on over to my parents. It's a hot hot day and we're tired and hungry and trying to keep cool. And when I say "we" I really mean myself and my mom; the kids seem just fine! Convincing them to head down to the cool basement doesn't work, phooey! But we make do and try to keep them occupied while the men go out again. Hunny is still on a search for that fish pipe or something. Or maybe it's wood as they're heading out to Home Depot? I forgot to listen! All I remember is that half an hour later there is a phone call from Dear Hunny and he wants to talk to our daughter. I hand her the phone and her side of the conversation is to tell him that it was the small colourful one she liked the best!

Excuse me? What is he asking her? Not even 2 minutes earlier, Abi had coloured a picture of the three female bunnies: a spotty one, a brown one and a tan one. She had named them all too! When she says good-bye to her Father, I grab the phone and demand, "What have you done???" but he had already hung up! Is he doing what I think he's doing? Abi is doing an excited hyper dance and I am shaking my head. So much for consulting the wife! But secretly I am giddy too!

He comes home with a brown box which contains this:

Have you not seen a cuter little thing???

Meet Ginger. She is a Mini Rex and looks to be about 6-8 weeks old. You can still see the veins in her little ears!

Abi is in LOVE. She spend all day snuggling this little bun, just loving on it. Ginger is her little "baby" and she is "Mama Abi"!

The bunny took quite well to her too, and loved to snuggle right into her neck, and on her lap, and up on her chest. Life suddenly looked so much better for Ginger than in the pet store!

How can you NOT love a little bun like this one? She is absolutely adorable and can fit into my hand just snug-ly.

Which is great and all, but we still needed to answer the all-important question of where is this bunny going to sleep? It's certainly not staying in Thumper's cage! She's way too little and we're not looking at new baby buns quite yet! It's a good thing my sneaky Hunny conveniently picked up some wire when he was out because he was making a new bunny cage!

First, he wrapped the wire around his legs. I told him that he was making the cage for the wrong animal. He did not think of me so clever. *snicker* He informed me he was cutting the length he needed from the wire. I told him that was a boring job and left to find a bunny to snuggle with again.

Then he enlisted the help from my Dad (since I was wooing said bunny) and had him bend the wire into a rudimentary shape of a square. To do this you need to stand on it while your partner hammers it around a piece of wood!

After all your sides are formed, you need to pinch the ends of the wire together. This helps it from not falling apart, and from not, uhm, well, pinching you. We want this to be a "family friendly" cage and the very idea of receiving a wire cut sends me shivers!

Along with your wire, you're going to need a sturdy base, so my Father is hammering the wood together for that. (I loves my Dad.)

We need a trap door! How else are we going to get the bunneh out of it's cage or bring it treats and food? To do that, Hunny uses the wire cutter and cuts out a top, then fashions it back on with wire flaps. It's quite the complicated step that it can't be explained in my language!

Then you need a pesky, I mean, helpful child to come in and add the various wire cutters to your creation. He will apply this technique when you aren't paying attention, causing you to panic when you do realize, fearing that he has hacked your almost-formed cage. You see that he is not that strong, much to your relief, but you take away his tools anyways, much to his great displeasure.

The cage is almost done! Hunny just needs to nail the wire bit to a piece of plywood.

And then we need a test bunneh subject. Ginger will do just fine.

Yay! A new home for a new bunny!

cherish

2010-08-15T11:20:00.001-07:00

This was a good week. Yesterday, was my friend's birthday. Yesterday was also the day that Hunny and I met 13 years ago! We met at said friend's birthday bbq, not knowing eachother beforehand, although hearing of eachother's names. I can't say that sparks flew for us right away (well, at least not for me) but it happened soon after! The very next night is the one that got me interested! It's so neat to watch my Hunny today, see how much has changed for us, and remember. I loves him so!

This past week also marked the anniversaries of some people I love. On the 11th, my parents celebrated their 37th year of marriage! In today's world, that is Forever! And while it is a long time, they are still quite young and have (prayerfully) many years to come! I like to think back on how much they've been through in those 37 years, how many changes they've had, how many struggles and how much growth, and it's amazing.

It's so sad to think of those couples who after 25 years or more of marriage decide to end in divorce! You'd think that after so long together, they'd have more memories to keep them as One than to separate. :(

On the 12th, was the 15th wedding anniversary of family friends, Nathan & Jenelle. So amazing to think I have peers married that long! I've known Nathan for a very long time; since he was a teen and I wasn't yet! I have always referred to him as "The Brother I Didn't Want To Have!" and I think he actually carries that nickname with pride! He is my own Brother's best friend, and while Mark was nice to us girls and didn't pester us to much, he was the complete opposite! He would bug us, and tease us and frustrate us and it was terrible!!! Yet he still came around and we still wanted to hang out with him, go figure! I also call him my "Half Brother", which gets people curious since we're not blood-related or anything. I do love this annoying older brother of mine!

I feel so blessed to have friends and family who have been married for so long, who have been there/done that before Hunny and I have, and who can support us. It's good to have couples who can lead by example or offer advice. We really do find them encouraging. Out of our own friends, Hunny & I married first, so we are the "trailblazers", which is a strange thought sometimes!

Congrats to Mom & Dad, Nathan & Jenelle. We love you! I made this card for you.

recipe: Baroque Motifs stamp set, Whisper White c/s, Crumb Cake c/s, Pretty in Pink ink, Crumb Cake ink, Whisper White taffeta ribbon, Pretty in Pink taffeta ribbon, Backgrounds 1 texturz plate, Big Shot.

On the same topic of marriage, I feel so distressed to know that there are several friends of mine whose own marriages are in trouble. I don't know the background stories on some of them, just know that things aren't good, and that makes it tougher. I don't know how to help and I so desperately want to. Not because I think I have all the answers or can solve all problems, but.... *sigh* I just want people to fight for their marriages, to work as a team (we are considered One when unite), and to deal with their issues instead of blaming or trying to hide them. Please keep these couples in prayer.

Knotty Tots and new friends!

2010-08-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

Way long ago, way back at the end of April, my new friend (who doesn't really know me, per se, but whatever. Okay, okay, it's more like I'm a huge fan and would love to be her friend. Sheesh, you're like wolverines out there! It's not like I'm a stalker or anything.) had a fundraiser on her blog. She was collecting donations for Amazima, a twenty-something woman from USA living in Uganda. She started out on a simple missions trip and ended up adopting 14 girls. Not all at once, of course, but over time as God led her. You have to read her blog! I have spent many hours there, reading all her stories and crying. Her heart is so beautiful. (she's my new friend now too, she just doesn't know it yet either!!!) She amazes me. I wish I were more like her. But here. Doing Katie things here in my own house and hometown.

All donors were entered into draws for various prizes and I won!!!! I was so giddy! Well, first I thought I was going to pass out! It's strange seeing your name on someone else' blog; I got all tingly and freaked out, then decided it was rather quite cool! I won a gift certificate to Knotty Tots. You NEED to check out this site too and see all of Candace's wonderful creations! I am in LOVE with so many of her items. They make me *squee* and want to take up knitting or crocheting!!! Abi and I have a very difficult time choosing what we'd get! But we finally decided, and after many emails back and forth, finding out Abi's measurements (which I was so worried I'd screw up, but well, Candace never corrected me or laughed or anything, and the items arrived, so...phew!), and waiting very patiently for the dress to be made (it was custom made as Abi is older and bigger than the ones listed in the store) and shipped....the day arrived!

Abi chose a summer crochet dress with matching shorts, along with some leg warmers with matching hair clips. Absolutely adorable! She is in love with this dress and wears it as often as she can. It fit perfectly too! Thank-you, KingdomTwindom and Knotty Tots!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

pool party

2010-08-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Many evenings, just before dinnertime, the kids throw an impromptu Pool Party on our deck. It's not what I'd call a "quiet" affair, but it's not big. Just four children jumping around in a turtle-shaped pool. Enjoying summer.

They fill the pool halfway with the hose, then they get the pool boy (uhm, that would be me) to fill it the rest of the way with warm water from my tap. (Hunny likes to remind me on those special pool party days, many hours after said event, that we have a tap nearby that can connect the hose to the hot water tank. Our pool boy, I mean I pretend to not care and tell him that I like carting 97 buckets of warm water through my kitchen and onto the deck. I'm all about building muscle.)

They like to add water games sometimes as well. (what's a pool party without water games?) Like car racing. It's a bit like car racing on dry land, but in the water.

First, you choose your car (a small bucket..one that used to hold toys works wonderfully), then you set them all up side-by-side, and here's where it gets tricky: you scoot in that little bucket of car, and you wiggle, and you urge your car along the bottom of that plastic pool. (it's not easy and quite the competition between the kids)

You splash. You tip over. You cry. You decide that you don't want to play anymore. You move to separate sides of the pool. All is well again.

Until you decide that you're just too cold for the big pool and need your own private hot tub.

With your own private lifeguard on duty, of course.

That's how we spend our evenings. How about you?

four

2010-08-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

I remember four really well. Four years ago, to be exact. For it was four years ago that I started to leak during my pregnancy, was sent from the hospital I hoped to give birth at to another hospital that could handle preemie babies, had a bizarre reaction to a shot of Gravol in the hip (I went deathly white apparently and felt incredibly weak), and took an ambulance ride (which was anti-climatic and not at all dramatic, which is a very good thing but also made me feel almost silly. I mean, sheesh, I could've driven and not been charged the $50, thanks!) from one city to the next, next, next one!

Four years ago, things were good enough for the doctor to decide I would just stay put in the maternity ward for a good week before they'd induce me. I wasn't leaking badly, baby was fine, and I was having no contractions. And I was okay with being forced a week-long "vacation" of rest; I was tired! (not to say that my dear Hunny was pleased with the situation! We had two children at home and he had to work!)

It was four years ago that after getting myself situated in the not-so-comfortable hospital bed, in a crowded room with three other roommates who were all terribly busy with their visiting families that I made it to the bathroom, got sick, managed to make it back to the bed and throw up three times on the floor! After paging the nurse, I then fell asleep! I.was.sick!

Four years ago, the doctors decided I must've caught an infection from having PROM. So four years ago, I was induced, and four years ago, I labored (with a little help from "laughing gas", which did not make me laugh, but I didn't hyperventilate, that was the key) and gave birth to my second son at 33 weeks.

So much time has flown. Many things have changed. A lot of memories, some a bit foggier than others, but I have not forgotten that crazy day four years ago.

Bryn, you are my little fighter. You are challenging and you are strong.

You are our "Adventure Boy". You are fun-loving and easy-going.

You are patient (for the most part) and quick to give hugs and even quicker to forgive. You are caring and sharing with your siblings. You fill our house with laughter.

Bryn, you are such an amazing little boy who has grown from such a tiny little four pound baby in the NICU to a big bundle of energy! I am so excited to watch your personality grow and see the talents God created in you emerge. It's funny how four years ago, it would've been easy for our family to stress and be worried about your future when you started off so early. But you did amazingly well. You left the NICU after only 13 days and settled into our family so well! And it hit me that even though, medically and scientifically speaking, you arrived "too early", you came just as it was meant to be. Nothing happens outside of God's plan. He knew your birthday and He knows your life and the paths you will take, nothing escapes Him. I don't need to worry about your future because He has it all figured out! You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and little man, I am so pleased it is here with us. Happy birthday. {{{hugs}}}.

Sustaining Life

2010-07-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

On a rare sunny weekend (not this past one, of course), Hunny and I decided to do some more work in our backyard. And I decided to help! We're a funny couple. We'd both love lots of yard (10-15 acres makes out hearts beat excitedly) yet we both hate yardwork! (he'd love to never have to mow grass and I'd love to have flowers and a garden that grows itself) So needless to say, our yard leaves a bit less to be desired.

Hunny worked on finishing the deck (a long drawn-out project that began last summer) while I started to clean up. Our lawn mower is in the process of being fixed, so the yard will need to be neat for the unruly grass to be cut. My goal was to clean up the space under the tree, behind the playfort. An area left untouched and littered with junk. Mostly garden ties, pieces of discarded lumber, an upturned plastic table and garbage. I moved everything out and was so pleased with myself, but found a new project.

A mysterious tree.

We have this maple that started growing a few years ago that has totally shot up in just two years. (it's actually kind of in the wrong place now. Oops. Didn't think too far ahead, I guess. But we didn't plant it, a squirrel did.) I've noticed a small tree starting to sprout just at it's base recently that has us confused. I don't know what type of tree it is; there doesn't appear to be any that look like it around our house. Another thing about it is that it is also planted in the wrong place. (another squirrel surprise) It wasn't going to grow where it was, so I thought that I'd better move it.

That turned out to be a bigger job than anticipated. I found out that I'm not very strong (*smile*) but I worked hard and got another hole dug in the back corner of our yard. (Hunny did warn me not to dig too deep or in the far corner as that's where our lovely Possom lay. {{shudder}} duly noted.) Then I had to get the tree dug up. And that's where I needed help.

Seriously, all I did was just ask for an opinion on how to go about digging up a tree, I didn't intend to have Hunny do it all for me. The fact that it benefitted me when he took over was just a bonus!

So he dug it up and then moved it and then helped me dig another hole! I placed some old discarded bricks (from a dismantled project a few years back) into a protective square, making mowing easier, with some help from Abi.

Now the area looks much better, and it's safer, and I feel good about that. I just hope this tree takes to it's new home. It didn't transplant the easiest, and it's iffy on it's survival, but it's better than leaving it where it was. I'm a "tree hugger" I guess because the idea of killing trees makes me so sad. Not only do they provide shade and homes for animals, but they help us breathe. I don't understand people who cut them down without replacing them with newer younger ones. So sad. So I'm trying to do my part. And I tell myself that even if it doesn't survive, it wouldn't have survived very long in it's place under the tree fort. I was trying to give it a better home. (like how I justified myself there?)

a lot of catching up to do

2010-07-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

School ended for the Olders (*sniff*sniff*) and my awesomest sister graduated from BCIT, we went camping, celebrated three birthdays, had BBQs and surprise visits with friends, had playdates with classmates, had sleepovers, and went to beach and got sunburned...and we're only three weeks into summer break! We've had some hot days and some cool ones, some loud ones and some quiet ones, some days full of grumpiness and a lot of late nights. But it's been good. Well, except from the grumpiness, that is.

I have a lot of catching up to do, but you know what? I'm not going to stress about it. I don't feel badly for not being on her often at all! The stories will come eventually! So sit tight and keep checking back. Or not. Whatever. Enjoy your summer! *smile*

mouse! mouse! ....treat...

2010-06-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I saw this on my SIL's FB profile and laughed and laughed and laughed. That was months ago. I'm still laughing.

be back soon...

2010-06-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not on here all too often, but I wanted to give you a heads up to let you know that we are going away this weekend. I am very excited! We're going camping! Our first trip this year. Our first trip in over a year actually, since we didn't get to go away last summer. Yay for summer! Yay for camping! Yay for family time!

When I come back, I will tell you all about the last day of school and teacher's gifts, and my favourite sister's Convocation (yay! go Julie! I'm so proud of you!), and of Baby Honey's second birthday (wow, already?) and his accomplishments. Plus load you up on camping photos!

Have a wonderful fun weekend!

my two lives

2010-06-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I love going to my sister's house. She's fun. Her hunny is fun. We laugh a lot. We eat snacks and chat. It's a fairly quiet and slightly empty home. There are no children there. No toys to step on. No little voices to listen to. ...Not to say that I find my own children encombersome or to imply that I don't like to be around them, it's just nice to get away and have some "adult time". The thing with going out with just adults is that I tend to want to...well..act like an adult. Drink adult drinks. Watch my tv shows. Have some music on after eight pm. When I go out, I can almost sortof pretend that I am single (in a harmless way, stick with me) and don't have children. I can be *young* again. Do Fun things again. Things I did before I wasn't single and had children. I can go out and do stuff like that and I like it. I do this on a weekly basis (if I can) and I come home happier and haven't you heard the statement "when mom's happy, everyone's happy"? It's so true!

Hanging around my childless and single friends reminds me of all the things I used to do before. I get excited to be with them again! I love going over our funny stories and memories, and attempt to do the silly things we used to do! However, I've discovered that having them over to my house is not at all the same. Even if you bring out the adult drinks and turn the music on after eight pm or put on a non-child-friendly movie. You can not pretend you are single or childless then! Not when there are toys all over the house. Not when you only have plastic cups to drink out of. And especially not when your own children are calling for you from down the hall! It's a sad thing.

I was realizing this the other day when we had friends over. I had a few drinks, enough to make me think I needed just maybe one or two more to make it really good, and enough to make me think of how it's been so long since I had felt that buzzy stage again, and enough to make me realize that it would be weird to get to that stage again. In my house. With my kids. I have heard that some parents don't feel that they should stop their young partying ways, but that's not me. As soon as I had children, I knew those days were over. I was Responsible now. Not haphazard.

Yet, I still feel those twinges. The desire to regain my youthfulness. My feet seem to be stuck in both pools of water still. I don't want to get rid of the past life, the one that many of my friends still live (not to say that they aren't responsible and don't hold down jobs or do important things, they just don't have the responsibility of children, and that plus a job and house, etc, are big deals and can hold you down. In a good way. But in a Big way.) And I really like my life and have many of my dreams come true. But sometimes it's hard to live the life I have chosen when you're the only one, the trailblazer of the group.

I hope my life is exciting to my single and childless friends. I hope I can make it look appealing. I hope I can be as hip as this family:

One day my friends will come to my side! And they'll understand! *smile*

bittersweet

2010-06-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was informed on Friday that there are only 9 days left of school! Wow. It's all coming to an end so quickly. And I feel bittersweet. On one hand I am very excited about summer: no more lunches to make, no more driving back and forth to school, no more homework struggles, no more forgotten permission slips...I'm looking forward to our family going out on small trips camping or to the beach or the library and I'm really looking forward to sleeping in! *smile* What I'm not ready for is saying good-bye to teachers and routine and friends and books and hearing them chatter about what they've learned.

Kai's teacher is pregnant and due in the Fall, so she won't be returning to the school next year. Knowing that makes me happy (because she's having a baby and babies excite me!) but also sad (since I won't be able to bump into her on the school grounds and chat a bit). I'm going to miss her. Which surprises me too. When the year began, I wasn't too sure what I thought of Mrs. V. She wasn't instantly warm, like Abi's grade 1 teacher or their K teacher, so it took a while to get to know her. But I will admit now that I love this woman. She is quiet and gentle, yet firm; she has a good grip on these children! I'm not ready for school to be over yet!

Kai's last class newsletter came home this week, and it stated: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,....Blast off to grade Two! and my heart leaped in my chest! Grade Two? Already? They're still little and only in grade one! I'm not ready for this! Gleeps!!!!

It turns out I'm a *bit* sensitive and emotional! LOL

It's just that Kai has done So Much in one year! He has grown so incredibly much, it amazes me. He can read with such ease! He's making lots of friends (even girl friends, teehee) He's one of the fastest runners in class too, which I am overjoyed about! Not only does it make me happy to hear how good he is athletically, but it tells me that his heart is doing good. I'm pleased. I'm proud. And I don't want it to end.

what do I do all day?

2010-06-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

This was posted on my friend's FB page this weekend and it made me laugh. Knew I'd have to share it here. My many mom friends will totally get this. Hopefully my DINK friends will understand-- if they didn't already! *smile*

*DINK: double income no kids

when all is right with the world

2010-06-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

Some days are so much easier than others. Today was one of them.

I had it all figured out what we would do today, so that made it run more smoothly too. Hunny is gone all weekend; he actually left yesterday morning, to go on the annual Men's Rustic Getaway our church holds in June. The intention is that he'll go and fish, since it's something he loves and he always complains that he doesn't get to go out often enough and well, he has his own fishing store, so he should go out and test product and such, but I'm sure he won't log too much time on the boat. He usually ends up manning the barbeque! But he loves that just as much, so I guess it's all good! He bought this HUGE BBQ a few years back (it can hold like 20 steaks on it at once, plus potatoes for everyone! he's very proud of it!) with the thought that he'd lend it out to our church for events. His heart for service makes me weak for him even more! He doesn't even recognize how much he gives and that's what I find so wonderful about him. So right now, he is up at Chataway Lake with a group of 20 other men, likely sitting around a firepit. He's most likely NOT roasting marshmallows though! He, for one, doesn't like them, but another thing is that he told me that men DO NOT do that! The men had a good laugh at our associate pastor for liking them and bringing up his own s'more supplies a few years ago! *giggle* I am praying for safety for the men, but mostly I am praying that he will be able to relax and enjoy his manly time away. He's been under a lot of stress again at work and it concerns me. So this weekend away is a good thing. He returns on Sunday afternoon. Hopefully he'll be happy and rejuvinated.

With Hunny gone for 3 nights, I thought I'd plan some fun things for the kids to do with me. Tonight, we had pizza and a movie night. We don't do that too often. Mostly because it's hard to find a movie that will work for all of the kids. I have sensitive children. I'm sure I've mentioned that before! But I've decided that I think they are ready for Star Wars! Of course, I want to jump right into Episode IV, because the originals are Classic! But...I'm a fan for continuity, so in order makes the most sense to me. Plus, the second segments are more "family friendly", if that's the right definition. Okay, some of them are. Okay, the first one is! So, I borrowed Episode I: The Phantom Menace".

Kai was so excited about watching the movie! He was counting down the days. I told him that we'd watch it when Daddy left, so he kept asking each day if he was leaving yet! How upset he was when we didn't turn it on last night! Most of his friends (if not all) have already seen the movies, and they all talk about it, and while I have been impressed with how much he has figured out on his own, I thought it would be nice to know some of it himself! The other kids weren't as excited, but well...sometimes it's nice to watch something other than a Barbie movie! (which makes me think of how much Abi has control over things despite being the only girl and very outnumbered!)

I made homemade pizza, which I'll admit, sucked, but well, I'm trying to discipline myself and not order out dinner! We could sure use the extra money on other things, and well, the pizza crust (which is what sucked. Don't bother with the President's Choice crust. Just a head's up!) needed to be used up because there is no use wasting money by purchasing things and letting them go to waste. Just sayin'. Then the boys played outside while Abi & I made cookies. (I was really craving the cookie dough from Papa Murphy's! Does anyone actually bake cookies with that stuff? lol) Then it was time to put Rhys into bed, and then movie time!

They cheered for Anakin during the pod races. They were confused with Jar Jar Bink's language. They laughed when Anakin flew the ship accidentally. They were in awe when Obi Wan and Qui Gon faught Darth Maul. (Kai actually stood up and watched in excitement, saying, "if it were me, I'd just stab him!" I didn't know if I should be proud of his bravery or appalled that he had a solution!) All in all, the movie was a big hit! Even I did good! I tried not to get too annoyed with their constant questions ("why is he doing that?" "Where are they?" "Why is he covering his face?" "why is she dressed like that?") and the need to get up, sit down, move here, move there and their constant need to talk. I tried real hard. I do admit to telling them, on several occasions, that they'd never learn if they didn't stop talking and start listening!

They are ready for Episode II! Or, Kai is. Or, he thinks he is. We'll see how things go. They were all excited to see that there was another disc in the case, and I had to tell them that it wasn't the next movie, but just the extras. Which of course got them giddy. Extras? Like funny things? No. Not likely. More like them talking about why it took them 20 years to make this movie. I was stalling, ok? I needed them to head off to bed and had to quelch the excitement! But that just got them to ask more questions. Oops.)

It was the bedtime that made it all worth it. I tucked Bryn into bed first. It was a surprise that I wasn't carrying his sleepy self there but instead following him. He was tired all right, but stayed awake for the whole movie! (I've got my fingers crossed for no bad dreams) I took the time to snuggle with him, brush his hair off his forehead and kiss his warm face, telling him how happy I was with him. His smile brightens up a room. He does melt me.

Then I had Kai make up his bed while I got Abi tucked into hers. We snuggled and kissed and giggled, doing things that only girls can. I thanked her for all her help tonight, and told her how special she was to me. She is such a blessing and gives so much of herself.

While I love spending time with Abi and tucking her in and reading with her, it's the moments with Kai that are incredibly special to me. That's when my Little ("I'm not little") Man is Mr. Snuggly! He wasn't much of a cuddler as a baby, even though we (meaning myself and Abi) loved on him so much! But at bedtime, he gets this peaceful smile on his face, as if everything is all right with the world and he's pleased with his part in making the day as good as possible for himself. He also lets me snuggle and kiss him and touch his face and brush his hair out of his eyes and he lays his warm sticky hands on my face and we gaze at eachother. (who knew I was such a touchy-feeling mom? I didn't expect that until I had children! I want to touch them and hold them all the time. I won't let them pass me without me reaching out to them!) And we talk.

We talked about his favourite parts of the movie, and he tells me what he'd do if he were there and then he'll tell me about his adventures during the day and the things that happened in class, and it's just an incredible moment of connecting with my son. Kai is full of energy and spirit and has this tendancy to be a handful. Not because he's intentionally trying to be difficult, he just doesn't know how to focus. And I struggle with knowing how to teach him that. It's so easy for me to shake my head and fret that I'm doing it all wrong, but in all reality, Kai is a wonderful boy. He amazes me as much as he frustrates me, if not more! We have very similar personalities, and that has it's benefits as well as struggles, but I'll be honest when I say that I think I was a pretty darn cool kid so it's self-explanatory how awesome my own son is!

I left the bedrooms with a smile on my face, feeling as though everything were all right with the world and that I could tackle anything! I love my children so much. It's impossible to express just how much. They are amazing and I am so blessed! They make me smile. I am so thankful for nights like these, that remind me why I do what I do, why I want to continue doing this, why I feel I was made for this, and that God has given me the strength and the love to do it all!

Scrappy Sunday

2010-05-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

I decided this year to dedicate one day a month to work on my scrapbooking, and thought that Scrappy Sunday was a catchy name! I have soooooo many photos hanging out in boxes and on discs (that reminds me: I need to get those photos off the computer and onto discs in case my computer ever crashes! EEK!!!!) and I'm very behind. But then again, if I continue to take photos, I don't think I'll ever be "caught up". It's a never-ending hobby!

I bought the Stampin' Up! My Digital Studio, their "digital paper-crafting solution" a few months back, but haven't really used it too much. It's a really easy program and I had taken the Webinar Training Program that was available to Demonstrators so I knew how to work it ..it's just....I'm a hands-on type of girl. And when I say "hands on", I mean I like to feel the paper and place the embellishments in a 3D fashion. Changing over to digital wasn't going to be easy! For some reason, I draw a blank when I open the program! But I've seen a lot of wonderful MDS layouts (LO) on other blogs that are amazing, so I've decided to tackle it and start off by CASEing them! (I hope I'm not coming across as a fake. I do tend to post a lot of CASE'd work, don't I? I hope that shows you how easy it is to stamp or use the MDS!)

This LO is actually from the May Scrapbooking Promotion flyer (For every purchase of a qualifying stamp set, you get a package of brads for FREE! The promo ends tonight, so take a look at my SU Website for your choices and pick up a free gift! Check out my upcoming classes too and get yourself in on some fun!) It's a picture of Bryn and my neice, Mia, when they were camping overnight with my MIL and SIL. They are close in age and height and play really well together. Plus, Bryn is so affectionate! He loves to hug and (try to) kiss Amelia!

recipe: (all from MDS) Cheep Talk stamp set, Best Wishes & More stamp set, Kraft, Whisper White, Old Olive c/s, Taken With Teal, So Saffrom, Rose Red, Dusty Durango, & Lovely Lilac ink, Scallop Edge punch, Old Olive grosgrain ribbon, Bradley Hand ITC font found on my computer.

If you are looking for someone to scrapbook with, come scrap with me! My Stamping Room is open every last Sunday of the month for scrapbooking. Just bring your stuff! I can even show you how to use the MDS, since I've been having fun playing with it lately!

brand-new ears

2010-05-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Abi is a lot more brave than I am. She has been bugging me about getting her ears pierced for a while now, and I was never against the idea, we just needed to find time. We finally went down this month to get them done! Abi was quite excited, she used her own money and picked out the pair that she wanted! (switching her decision last-minute from the cute Hello, Kitty! ones to her birthstone.)

Going to Claire's was an experience for me! I used to work at the Claire's location at the Surrey Place Mall (which is now called Surrey Central and the store isn't there anymore) as the Manager and what a fun job! I was in charge of hiring (but not necessarily firing, thankfully. Back then I wasn't as strong as I am now) and schedule-making and goal-setting and implementing the new Plan-O-Gram (that is, re-merchandising the whole store) Over ten years ago, I struggled with my abilities and meeting what I thought the Head Office expected from me, and I thought it was a tough job.

But then I became a Mother.

I used to pierce ears, and I have to admit, it was the BEST part of my job! I loved doing it! I knew I was good at it! I trusted my ability and was confident. It was good to meet new people, to inform them of the procedure, help them prepare, give them the confidence they needed, then pierce those ears quickly! But standing there with Abi in a Mother role was a lot more difficult! I found myself explaining too much and trying to convince her and give her courage more than I needed. I actually had to tell myself mentally to stop talking! Funny how things change! As Mothers we tend to over-reassure our children to smooth over the situation. As a Manager, I said my bit and then did my job! No further convincing needed!

Abi was brave and excited. I told her it would pinch, but you really can't express how that'll feel. I made sure they did a "double piercing", that is where two staff do the piercing at the same time. It's quicker that way! No backing out after the first one. (I've had some kids do that on me before!) I told her that she was brave to do it at age 8, because I was too scared and didn't get mine done until I was in grade 7 at age 13! She was just like Auntie Julie, who had hers pierced at age eight also!

Abi did great! She jumped at the initial piercing and shed a few tears, but was incredibly brave! Her ears are so beautiful! We searched for new earrings, trying to pick out a pair for when she can take these ones out in 6-8 weeks. She's got a lot of spunk and a fun personality and immediately oohed and ahhed over the large hoop earrings and the funky dangly ones. Me, when I got my ears pierced, I stuck with my simple studs. Large hoops never appealed to me at all! I actually only got my ears pierced because I thought it would look good for my grade 7 graduation, so the interest wasn't a long-term one!

When we came home, Abi beamed at me and said, "Mom, I think that earrings were made just for me because I look so good with them!" And, yes, I would have to agree! She's my beautiful, fun girl!

Allergy?

2010-05-24T23:17:00.001-07:00

It was Boxing Day '09 and we were (ok, just my Hunny) sick of turkey, so we used a gift card we got and picked up a Hawaiian pizza from Boston Pizza. Rhys was a bit fussy during dinner, but it's happened before and so I didn't pay too much attention to it. I can't figure out what his problem is...is he tired? is that why he's miserable and whiney at dinner? It's been happening for the past few months. Then I look over at him and see this:

Okay, so that's not quite what I see. This picture is taken after I saw his face and after I wondered what in the world happened and after I decide that it's Not Normal at all!!!

Maybe the pictures aren't the best, but don't you see the red "mask" that he has in the second picture? Is that why he's been "fussy" at dinnertime? Because he's got a food allergy? Why hadn't we noticed this before? This sounds strange, but he's never had a "mask" on before! I've been wracking my brain trying to remember if he's reacted like this and we've just not taken too much notice of it. But nothing comes up. So I give him some Benedryl and he seems happier. (although he does want to continue eating!)

So we start to think. Is there something about Boston Pizza? We don't have it too often at all, so it's a possibility. How tragic! But what exactly is it? The first thought I have is Tomato! After all, it's acidic and known to cause issues in people. It's not the cheese or the ham as he's had those before with no issues. But then another thought: pineapple. Also known as "death fruit" in our family since it can cause serious injury to my Hunny's sister! Could it be possible to inflict our son with the same type of allergy? My heart breaks at the thought. But then I wonder...have I given him pineapple before? I like to do tests in my home with food. Okay, I'm a *bit* crazy. I give small amounts of peanut butter to my children before *gasp* they are two! (although I've been informed by said SIL that they are now recommending no nuts until the child is FIVE!!! Are they insane???) So I pull out a can of pineapples and feed a few to my baby, and Phew! He's fine! He loves them! He doesn't cry! He gobbles them down and I have to snag a few for myself before they are all gone! What a relief! So, that brings us back to wondering what ailment he has. Or if he has one.

We decide to watch out for Boston Pizza from now on. Not that we go often anyways, but still...

A few weeks pass and I bring home a Papa Murphy's pizza. Crispy bacon is the family favourite. (side note: I actually do not like bacon, but since I am *just* the Mom and am outnumbered, I have learned to pick off the bacon or buck up, cubby. Incidentally, I also don't like cooked pineapple on pizza and pick those off too!) Everything is fine. We have got this type of pizza many many *cough* many times and had no reason to believe anything different would happen that night.

Sure enough, or rather, oddly enough, Rhys "reacts" again. I see him fussing and grumbling and rubbing his face and eyes with a vengeance. The poor guy has another "mask"! My heart breaks a bit more. And I am confused. What is it now? It's not the bacon, as we've had this before. Is there something in the sauce that is similar to Boston Pizza? Could it be tomato?

Some more Benedryl and a trip to see the doctor, who gets us an appointment with an allergist who specializes with (in?) children, who surprisingly can see us within a week! (that was a long run-on sentance, but I'm too lazy to change it!)

Rhys is tested for several things. Tomato, Nuts, Cat and Bunny (which we have both of) on the right. And on his left inner forearm, the test of histimine and water. And from all of those his results were Negative. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Not because I really wanted him to have a terrible allergy, but because his reactions were real. And if they weren't from those "typical" things, what was it from? (oh, and I'm not going to get into how she didn't test for other allergies that are in the family that I was wondering about, even though she said she would, and there isn't much reason in going on how I felt that she didn't offer any solution at all for his reactions.) She did tell me that his skin was Sensitive, though. He "reacted" to the water almost immediately after she scratched him, and I guess that's not typical! So that opens up another thought: are these actual "allergies" that he's reacting to or just a "sensitivity" when he eats certain things? I know there is a difference, but I'd like to know which one it is.

Sure enough, two weeks later, he reacts again! But not to a pizza, but to a homemade pasta sauce. Funny, this is a sauce that we've had before with no issues. *sigh* I had a can of crushed tomatos and I added some brown sugar and oregano spice to it, thinking that's what Hunny adds to his when he makes it. (It turns out he adds Basil as a spice.) So, is it the sauce or the oregano?

He's such a messy eater, but look at those beautiful eyes! And note the red that stops right at his "hair" line? wow!

teehee! look at the sauce in his eyebrow!!!

He's happily sucking on the medicine dropper that has given him some more Benedryl!
Yum!

Does he have some type of mysterious food allergy or is he creating this whole thing by rubbing his sensitive skin? But if it's *just* sensitive skin, why is he rubbing his face so rough? What's causing him to do that? *sigh* I hate that it's hit or miss. I hate that it's not obvious to us or the specialist. But I am glad that we're not the only one's who's noticed now.

We decided to pick up another Papa Murphy's pizza recently while visiting my parents. This time a Hawaiian. We've never had problems with this kind with him. This one also comes from a different location, if that matters at all. And again, he reacts. We were actually just talking about it with my parents and Hunny was saying how maybe it was just his "sensitivity" and we all look over to see Rhys scratching his face and it's going bright red! If that doesn't say "allergy" to others, what does it take? We take away his pizza and clean his face off, and he seems to be doing "okay", but I send Hunny out to pick up more Benedryl since we forgot to bring it. (I now carry it in the diaper bag) while Rhys tries to grab someone's discarded crust! I let him take it, just to see what happens and yep, it's not all in my head! He starts to fuss and rub his eyes and face within seconds of eating the sauce! So sad. :(

But what is it? We had pizza twice this past week (both Hawaiian and crispy bacon) and he didn't react to either of them. Was it a different batch of sauce this time? Was it made differently? Less oregano? It's driving me crazy, and I'm crazy enough! But since no answers seem to be out there, just lots of questions (and I seem to have no end of them!) we are just going to have to tread lightly with this. And carry Benedryl.

a slight change

2010-05-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

Bryn is reaching 4 years of age; the time when we start thinking of what to do with him next year. The Olders went to preschool with Teacher Michelle, through the Parks & Rec program at that age. It was wonderful. I love Teacher Michelle! It was within walking distance, too, which made it even better! I was so excited to think of Bryn attending her preschool classes--all the fun he'd have in class, and the field trips... and I couldn't wait to see Teacher Michelle again, either. We're friends on FaceBook, but does it really count when we haven't actually seen eachother in two years? (well, other than bumping into her at Zeller's that one day, but that doesn't count!) So I decided to pop into the Park & Rec office this week to look into preschool. I knew signing up was this month, but didn't know when. I grabbed the info sheet and was informed that registration was the very next morning at 8:30am! Gleeps! How was I going to do that? My mind starts wandering and well...you know how bad I get when that happens! *smile* I was thinking maybe my Hunny could take the day off work so I could register Bryn online. Or maybe even drop the Olders off at school for me. Somehow I needed to be in two places at once!

Then I looked at the information sheet. It listed the three different locations you could register your child (for an age 3 group and a pre-K/age 4...not that any other location was a factor, we knew where we wanted to be and we knew we wanted Teacher Michelle! Can you tell I'm a fan of hers?) And then I saw the price. And choked. $150/month??? Am I reading that correct? Seriously? I remember when it only cost $63/month for Kai. And that was only two years prior! I thought and thought and shook my head and decided that my memory did serve me correctly. It was a heck of a lot cheaper then! So I call up Hunny and let him know the "good news". 'Oh, registration is tomorrow in the morning, and it's going to cost us almost triple the amount!' Even he recalls it being cheaper with Kai, and even cheaper with Abi (at only $56/month) a year earlier. (I had him in the age 3 class when Abi was in Kindergarten since he was speech delayed. It was the intention that it would help his speaking, but I don't think it did. But it was fun. We both enjoyed it!) So now we're in a pickle. (I like using that expression.) Do we send him to the preschool with our beloved Teacher Michelle? Or look elsewhere?

Hunny was convinced that the cost to send him to preschool here is the same as sending him to the preschool at the Older's school. So that was an option. And then we remembered Wind & Tide, a preschool program that we've heard a lot of good things about; there is one in our neighbourhood as well. So I did some searching online, but found Wind & Tide is booked up already. Dang! And it turns out that the LCS Building Blocks preschool program is actually cheaper than the Park & Rec one. (by $10 for the 3-day-a-week class, and $20 for the 2-day-a-week one) H'mmm....the only thing is that the money we will be "saving" by sending him to the school, we'll be using in gas. I'll be traveling to the other side of Langley three times a day now. (it's a good 25-minute drive to my kids' school. We could use the bus system, but we're too cheap! And I was too frightened and sentimental to send my young children on a bus...without me!) Hunny is all for it, and a part of me is excited about it, but he's not the one driving to and fro all day long!

So the question is Why are we sending him to preschool? I could keep him at home and we could work on his numbers, colours and alphabet through the year (he's got most of them already). That's an option. It's not like he has to go to preschool. However, I keep thinking ahead to Kindergarten. It's full days and that's a big step, going from being at home to being away for 7 hours a day for a little guy. If he's in preschool, at least he's on his own for two hours. It's a start. That is my main thought for that.

But I still can't wrap my head around the idea of driving that distance three times a day! What am I supposed to do with myself for the two hours? I can't possibly shop every other day! Well, I suppose I could, but it wouldn't be good for our income!

I hate it when you have these choices to make and the Pros and Cons lists are equal. Sometimes you just have to Do It. Make that decision and stick with it. No looking back.

We're really leaning towards sending Bryn to the Building Blocks preschool (especially since we missed registration day for the Parks & Rec, and the classes tend to fill up within 10 minutes. Seriously. I missed getting Kai into his pre-K class by 5 mintues, and I got through at 8:35am. It was so bad that Teacher Michelle decided to start another class just for us missed-out Moms! She's good like that! Plus it made her paycheque look nicer!) I took Bryn to see the class and he was really excited! He talks about "his school" and how he'll play in the sand box and with playdoh! I remind him of Story Time and Singing Time and the field trips we'll take. I love the enthousiasm that almost-four year olds have! We just need to work on his potty training...still. He'll get it this summer. I'm sure of it! He has to!

the funny thing about courage

2010-05-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

I saw her again. My friend. And this time I didn't pretend I didn't see her! I was brave! I saw her walk past my van and you know what I did? I got out of my van, took a deep breath, then called her name across the parking lot! And I am so proud of myself!

She was so shocked to see me and gave me a hug and we chatted, did some brief updating. It turns out that she's been working part time at the school for two years!!! How did I not see her until now? Too funny. She is married and has a little girl, just two years old.....she could play with my almost-two-year-old!!! Oh, how wonderful! It was good to actually talk to her. I'm not too sure what I was afraid of. Maybe that she wouldn't be interested in seeing me. Yeah, that may have something to do with it. Maybe she would've been happy if we didn't see each other again. What a relief that I was wrong! *smile*

You know the interesting thing about courage? Once you act in it, you feel strong. I felt confident after chatting with her for 10 minutes, that I was able to talk with other people! Imagine the power I could have if I acted courageous more often! I need to take the time to remind myself of the Bible verse (that is, coincidentally, Kai's memory verse for the month): "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Empty Hearts

2010-05-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I still find it tough. I've been blessed to be a Mother of four wonderful & beautiful children, and I've had eight years to get used to the idea, but every year this day pains me. My mind wanders to the women whose arms are empty from the babies that were stolen from their womb and the silent hurt that they feel. Yes, Mother's Day is a wonderful celebration to honor those who give us life, who nurture us, who help us develop into the charming adults we are. *ahem* And I have no problem lavishing upon my own Mother the love and admiration I have. (but come on, there is no possible way I'll be able to thank her fully!) But what of the mothers who don't have children to give them macaroni necklaces or dandilions from the backyard? We tend to forget them.

When I became pregnant the first time, I went through Mother's Day full of wonderment, not realizing it would end a month later. God, in His infinite wisdom, blessed me so that the very next year, I was filled with promise again. But I have friends who don't have full arms, only empty hearts; some with only the chance of motherhood (as we see it--with a physical child to hold) by expensive medical intervention, and my heart aches for them.

Yesterday, I celebrated my Mom (as much as I could in a sleepy fog and a do-or-golf hockey game) and I let myself be pampered, and I enjoyed my four children, and thought of the babies I have waiting for me in Heaven. And I prayed for the empty hearts out there. Infertility is more common than we think. Baby loss (by miscarriage/ectopic/stillbirth etc) is even bigger. I'm sure you know one or two or even a handful. Please take time this week to connect with these women. Give them comfort. Remind them that you care. Tell them that God holds their hearts and loves them.

If you're wondering how to honor a Mother with empty arms, check out this post by Holley. When Mother's Day is Difficult

At least they're still babies

2010-05-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

Poor Rhys has not been having a good tooth year. He always seems to be falling and cutting his gums. I worry about sensitivity and damages, but the dentist didn't seem concerned so I'll have to assume he knows what he's talking about! I took Rhys into the dentist at the beginning of April because I was worried about his front teeth. Unfortunately, he has gained my teeth gene and he has an extra tooth up top which is very crooked. It's so close to his other two teeth that I can't get in properly to clean and it's hard enough brushing a baby's teeth as it is! So the dentist immediately said he'd remove the offending tooth, plus build up the other ones, but that can't be done until he is two because they'll put him to sleep. Our appointment is in July to book the surgery. So all is good.

Or so I thought.

Literally, the very next night, Rhys is in the bathtub playing. I'm sitting on the floor beside supervising. You're already cringing, aren't you? He slips and smashes his mouth. I'm not too sure if he hit his chin and then bit his lip or if he hit both, but his mouth was bloody and he had a bruise on his chin for a few days. Of course, he was crying and crying when it happened, and I pulled him out of the evil tub, but when I see inside his mouth, I start to cry too. I can see that his tooth (not the crooked one, the one in the middle) has been damaged and is all jagged! Of course, this happens on the Easter Long Weekend, when I can't get him in to see the doctor! Rhys gets over the fall fast, but I feel heartbroken. Why did he have to have my crooked teeth? Why didn't I put more effort into breastfeeding? Why aren't I strong enough to take away his nighttime bottle?

Then at the end of the month, the poor Baby Honey slipped on his own feet and smashed his face on the floor! Another bloody mouth and more chips out of his tooth. At his rate, he won't have any teeth, they'll all have to be pulled up top! But I'm trying not to think that way. I'm still hurting over Bryn loosing his front two teeth. (He damaged them a few days after work was done on them and they were pushed into his gums and it looked bad and they needed to come out. Let me tell you, I feel like a Bad Mommy! Even though I know it's all circumstancial, but I feel the guilt of bottles and nighttime drinks and can't help but notice that my two breastfed babies didn't have any issues. It's tough.) Maybe if I convince myself they are true Canadian hockey players with damaged teeth, it'll be better!

Sorrow

2010-05-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago, we got an email to inform us that the mother of one of Abi's classmates had died, and I have to admit that it's been affecting me and been weighing on my mind ever since.

When Abi was in Kindergarten, there was a note sent home to ask for prayers as this woman was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember crying as I drove the kids home from school and feeling so scared for this woman and her young family. Abi was only 4 1/2, Kai just 2 1/2 and Bryn still just a newborn... I just couldn't imagine having to go through a health crisis such as that. I made their family dinner twice and that was that. No news. No cards. Life went on.

I don't really know the family at all, so I didn't know she was so ill again, but I have since found out that she was diagnosed with an aggressive inoperable brain tumor at the beginning of the year.

And my heart breaks.

The email was worded, "God in His infinite wisdom called her home." and I couldn't think of a more beautiful way to put it. She is free of pain and is in the arms of Jesus, whole and healed. And that's wonderful. I can thank and praise God for that. But when I think of the family my heart breaks. She has a husband and three children who are left here, in pain and emptiness, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Their loss. Their pain. It's all too much.

God in His infinite wisdom.

Those words strike me and remind me of His power and His love. Power to heal and give miracles. Love to do it in His perfect way. I don't understand His ways, but "his ways aren't my ways" (For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD ~ Isaiah 55:8) All I know is that He is good. And He loves us.

Please keep this family in your prayers. Laurence and the children, Zack (gr 9) Micaela (gr 7) and Joshua (gr 3) We can thank God for healing their mother/wife by drawing her to Him, but it's going to be a hard time for them.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:27

11 years

2010-05-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Hunny and I celebrated our 11th Anniversary together. That sounds more epic than it feels!

That day was so magical. I actually woke up at 6am...on my own...and haven't done that since! I remember being excited, nervous, peaceful, anxious, and full of anticipation! The day was cool, which is typical of an April day, so I wasn't worried. Besides, I'd decided that if it rained that it was actually Good Luck, not bad! It couldn't mean anything but good on MY DAY!

I love the picture above of Hunny and I. We look so young! I have a funny expression on my face! We look great! It was such a good day! (ok, so the picture could be nicer, and in real life it is, but I don't have a scanner, so this is a picture of my picture!) There are a few things I'd like to change about the day (I threw together the program sheets the night before the wedding because it totally slipped my mind and I didn't like the way they turned out. little things like that.) but for the most part, when I look at this picture, I remember exactly what I see. I see US. Happy. In Love. Together. (oh, and young! *snicker*)

We celebrated our 11th Anniversary by driving into Chilliwack and leaving our children into the capable hands of my parents while we went out for dinner, which was wonderful. I love the atmosphere at Dakota's, and I would recommend it if you're in the area. (the one by Safeway in Yale) We arrived just before the dinner rush, which was nice, but it also meant that our food came out faster than typical. Sometimes that can be a bonus, but receiving my chicken fettucine when I'm still finishing my salad was a bit too quick! I was so stuffed halfway through dinner! Of course, dinner was over within an hour, so Hunny and I walked back to our vehicle and wondered what to do. It seemed too early to go back to get the kids; it wasn't even 7pm yet! But we were both so full that even the thought of going for coffee at Timmy's sounded nauseating! And we had no shopping to do. What to do? (and no, making out in a messy parked van didn't sound appealing! we're getting old, lol) So we decided to drive and chat. It was nice to dream and plan our next 11 years! We drove through Chilliwack, Rosedale, and into Agassiz, then back. You can do a lot of talking in that time! And it was uninterrupted by children's voices, too!

We came to get the kids just before 8pm, but they were all in their pyjamas and tucked into beds. That was a surprise! Grandma had told them that if they wanted to stay overnight, they had to be in bed by the time we came back! I'm glad that we stayed out that extra hour! *smile* We took Baby Honey home with us though, and that was ok.

Our Anniversary seemed to slip by without any major attention, and that was okay too. We both have been distracted by planning, discussing, dreaming and such for the future; wondering where we'd like to be, what it takes to get there; our worries, our hopes, our frustrations. It's a topic that won't die! I love retrospect. Really. Or maybe it's introspect. But I love thinking and talking and dissecting. I love planning and dreaming. I love going back over memories and laughing or discovering new viewpoints. It's great to see that we still share the same dreams after all these years.

I love my Hunny. He still makes me happy.

busy with nothing

2010-04-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how much time has passed since the last time I posted. I'd like to say that I've been busy, but that's not completely true. I am, as my Dad put it, "busy with nothing". I've done a lot of thinking though, but even that excuse seems weak! Thinking obviously hasn't gotten me ahead! So to keep you in the loop, here are some random updates:

*I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve in my shouder last week. I was walking back to the van after picking up the kids from school and all seemed fine, but as I drove away, my right arm felt like a dead weight. It just hung there and it ached. It scared me, too, because I couldn't figure why it was so sore. My mind started to wander as I tried to guess why it was so limp--did I have a stroke and not know it? Yeah. I didn't say my wanders in sane areas!

An hour later, the achiness turned to pain that ran down from my shoulder, radiating in my elbow and wrist. The pinching in my upper back was intense. I went between Rub A5-35 and Motrin. What a night! And I couldn't go see anyone for a massage or for some chiropractic work! Thankfully, now it's just a dull ache, because 3 days of it was crazy bad!

*Since it's starting to get warmer and the sun is shining more, I've decided it's time to switch to contact again. That way, I can wear sunglasses this summer. I used to wear contacts, but in the last few months of my pregnancy with Rhys, I bought glasses, anticipating late nights and needing an easy solution to see. That was 2 years ago and my glasses are on their last legs, if it had legs. The plastic rim isn't going to last much longer and I'm already having problems with the lens popping out.

I saw my optometrist & found I need a new prescription (one eyes is better, one eye is weaker, go figure) and I picked up a trial pair of contacts. They didn't last long. Within 15 minutes, my eyes were so irritated and itchy that I had to take them out. I kept trying them every few days though, but had the same reaction,so I returned them for a new pair.
Same thing. Very disappointing. I kept them the obligatory week before popping back to the doctor's office. But I started to feel bad. Ian probably thinks there's something seriously wrong with me! He suggested that it's allergies bothering my eyes, but they seem fine when I'm wearing glasses, just tired.

While I waited for Ian to arrive (I decided to just go in unannounced one day) the receptionist helped me find a super cute pair of glasses. After all, if I can't get this next pair of contacts to work...sheesh! This will be my third attempt. I think it's safe to say that it's not going to happen. I'm not meant to wear contacts right now. Or sunglasses (since I can't afford a pair of clipons or an extra pair or prescription sunglasses). So I admit, I tried these with mixed feelings. I really liked those glasses! But I really wanted to wear sunglasses!

Within half an hour of wearing the contacts, my eyes were so sore that they burned. Was it allergies? Severe fatigue? What in the world? Hormonal changes? (someone suggested that to me, I forget who, but they said it happened to them. I thought it was bizarre and didn't want to consider than an option for me!) I even tried some eye drops, but man! Was that Not a Good Idea! That burned just as bad, if not worse!

So the good news is that I have a credit on my account for the cost of the first two boxes of contacts I purchased last month (but returned unopened), but the bad news is that I still need $300 to get those awesome glasses! So I'm using my old, falling apart, weak-prescriptioned glasses! My eyes are less irritated though.

So there you go. Don't you feel better? I'm so glad I popped in to tell you this! :) Told you there wasn't much to say!

Our Monday Morning

2010-04-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

What a morning! We were all bundled up and ready to head to school, when I realized that I didn't have my van keys. Oh great! Now, I tend to have a *bit* of a reputation of losing things, especially my keys and my pocket calendar and cell phone, to be specific, so I felt pretty crummy. I was thankful that we didn't have to drive Kai's classmate today, as we drive him each day, to and from, as I just knew we would be late! Since it was my Hunny who used my van last night, and I didn't remember him ever returning the keys to me, I called him. Of course, he didn't answer his cell phone. (That drives me nuts; he has the ringer off, which I don't understand!) So I call his work, but it turns out he's not in yet, so I try his cell again, but since he's driving, he doesn't answer, which is good because it's against the law to use any hand-held devices here. *sigh*

In the end, he called me when he got to work, told me that he had my keys, and said that he was going to come back home to return them to me. (it was that option or the kids miss school today and he leaves work early to pick up Eric, the classmate of Kai's, and take him home. Hunny opted to return!) So to keep me busy (since I was starting to feel slightly sleepy again), I started another load of laundry, folded the laundry I did last night, and thought about cleaning up my Stamping Room! (notice how I said "thought". *smile*)

I got the kids off to school, and yes, of course, they were late, but it was all good. Everyone was in Chapel, so they hadn't missed any schoolwork yet. I helped them both into their classrooms, chatted with the teachers a bit (well, Abi's was going home as she was suddenly feeling really ill so I told her that Abi felt strange this weekend too, with a sore tummy, and headache, and generally 'off', to make her feel better! I don't know if it worked; I think she just wanted to go home!) Then they joined their respective classes in the gymnasium and I went back to the van.

What is it about Mondays that people have a hate for? It is because it's the beginning of a new week? The fact that the weekend is over and it's back to work? Or it is truely "cursed"? People have a tendancy to blame things on the day, or assume it's going to be a bad one just because it's Monday. It was interesting to see that we weren't the only ones late for school. As I was leaving the school, another one of Kai's classmates came in with his father! And our neighbours were late too; they slept in! Strange! Must be "Monday"! Poor day with such a bad reputation!

To thank Bryn for being so well behaved (Rhys was too, but that's because he was napping!), I took the boys to Tim Hortons for Timbits! We even went inside! I don't know if you're like me but I've chosen the lazy way out: I always use the Drive Thru instead of going in. Sometimes (ok, most of the time) taking 4 children out just to pick up some food quickly is a lot of effort and not really fast in the end! But I decided to be different. Of course, having just two children makes it easier! (gosh, that does sound lazy, doesn't it?) Inside, with our Timbits, Hot Chocolate (for me) and Apple Juice (for the boys), we chatted and Bryn told me his grand plans in life. (this was a continuation from the conversation in the van with Kai and Abi) He has let me know that when he's six, he's going to be a policeman and ride a motorcycle and fly a helicopter! When he's six! I guess when you're three and a half, six seems awfully old! (I don't want to offer my own age to him, what'll he think? 30-ish is so ancient and inconceivable!) Then we talked about what we'd do today. Bryn decided that we should make some playdoh!

So we did!

Okay, so *I* did. Bryn helped as much as he did. When Abi was in preschool, I got a recipe from her Teacher Michelle, since she would get a parent to make a new batch each month for the kids. It was colour-coordinated to the theme. (ie: red for February and Valentines, green for March and St. Patty's Day, etc.) I love this recipe! Have you ever made Playdoh at home? It's a gooey mess and very salty and you just dry your hands out and it's creepy and you spend the rest of the day applying hand cream because you just can't get the moisture back. Just sayin'. Maybe that's just me. This new recipe requires an ingredient I've never heard of and you cook it on the stove! Wow! I've included a handy-dandy tutorial for you!

Homemade Playdoh
2 tsp cooking oil
2 tsp cream of tartar
1 cup flour
1/2 cup salt
1 cup water
food colouring

Mix the first four ingredients in a sauce pan. (the dry ones ....oops, I guess the oil isn't considered "dry", is it?)

Add water and food colouring together, then add to the sauce pan.

Stir constantly over medium heat. It will start out all gooey, but that won't last long!

When it becomes thicker (it'll happen suddenly) and dough-like, remove from heat.

I place it ontop a sheet of wax paper to cool. It doesn't take too long, maybe about 5-10 minutes. (When cool, store in an airtight container or ziploc bag at room temp.)

I told Bryn to pick out a video to watch while we waited for it to cool. I figured a Veggie Tales one would be good; you know, they're only half an hour! Bryn put on the newest one, Pistachio, which also happens to be my newest favourite! In the time it took to watch half of it, I had made a few more batches! (in total, I made green, red, yellow, and blue. Nothing fancy, just the food colouring bottles!)

When they had cooled enough, I let the boys play with the playdoh on our "coffeetable" (it's the last 12 boxes of bamboo flooring that'll be for my bedroom!) while watching the video.

What a fun morning! Of course, now bits of the colours are mixed into the green. I'm going to be a Big Girl and not let it bother me. I'm going to be okay with that. For some reason, it doesn't bother children to have one large mixed-colour playdoh ball. For some reason, it bothers me! I'm sure that even as a child I wanted them all in their separate containers! And no, this has nothing to do with skin colour or racism (goodness, you jump to conclusions, don't you? lol) but because I wanted the playdoh to last longer. You couldn't make a multi-coloured house or blue-red-yellow grass, could you? Just sayin'. But I am going to be OK with the kids mixing up new colours with their dough. I'm good like that.
Now if they would just return the dough to their bags....

Awash With Spring

2010-04-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

With Spring now here (although some days you can't quite tell with the chilly wind storms we've been having and the -eek, what in the world???- snow the other day!) and the brand new soon-to-be-released stamp set, Awash With Flowers, in my hands (I love being a Stampin' Up Demonstrator and having a pre-order option!) I have been having fun playing. (wow, that was a long sentence!) I am putting together a class near the end of this month to celebrate Spring and flowers.

Would you like to see some samples? Of course you would! While these are already on my Demonstrator Website under the Creative Projects section, it's good to actually post something in a more personal way.

This mini card comes as a CASE straight from the Two-Step into Spring Promotion going on right now. This card is a mini one, only sized at 3x3, so it's perfect for little notes or adding to a gift. (who doesn't like gifts?)

Isn't she so cute? She makes me smile! *smile*

Awash With Flowers stamp set, Thank You Kindly stamp set, Certainly Celery card stock, Apricot Appeal card stock, Whisper White card stock, Pretty in Pink card stock, Basic Black Classic ink, Almost Amethyst Classic ink, Barely Banana Classic ink, Blush Blossom Classic ink, Certainly Celery

The next one is my favourite card currently! I admit, I also CASEd this one (that means Copy And Share Everything...in other words, the design wasn't my own concept. *gasp*)

I tried and tried a good 4 times to get this picture clear, but alas, no such luck. Maybe if you squint, it'll look more clear! Oh wait! I meant it to look that way! It *is* clear, it's just the watercolour effect going on that you're seeing! *smile* She's gorgeous anyways!

Awash With Flowers stamp set, All Holidays stamp set, Whisper White card stock, Mambo Melon card stock, Basic Black Classic ink, Mambo Melon Classic ink, Bermuda Bay Classic ink, Crushed Curry Classic ink, Old Olive Classic ink, Mambo Melon 1/2" polka-dot grosgrain ribbon, Stampin' Dimensionals.

In this class, we will be making 4 cards altogether, plus a project, but I have to keep some things secret, don't I? Contact me and get yourself into this class! Bring a friend along too!
Awash with Spring: April 26 @ 7:30pm $15

Check out my Stampin Up website for my class list, as well as the current promotions and some project ideas. If you like anything you see, you can order online, any time of the day and have it arrive at your house within a week! Or you can contact me and schedule a time for us to get together and stamp; make a workshop out of it and get FREE Hostess deals! You can also sign up on the site to become a Demonstrator and join my Fun Team! (contact me for the password) I will be posting cards & projects and classes to the blog that is on the site as well. (click under About Me in the top left hand side and click on the My Stampin' Blog when the option pulls down.) There's just so much great stuff happening over there, check it out! *smile*

how can you not know???

2010-04-07T13:32:00.001-07:00

Can you be pregnant and not know it? For real?

I read a very interesting article today on the very subject! It was based upon an 11-year study, and from the sounds of it, they're still baffled by it! I know that I am! I've had four children and not once have I not known about it right away. Oops, I lied! My second ectopic pregnancy in 2004 (which technically doesn't fall under my "four children" comment anyways!) was an unknown pregnancy, but since it was an EP and diagnosed with severe pains, and given that typically pains occur within the first few weeks, it's not altogether surprising that I didn't know. It's sad though; I didn't get a chance to even mourn the baby. The same night I "lost" the baby, I found out that I was pregnant! But that aside...I can't imagine being 7 months along, with a wiggling baby keeping you up at night, and not knowing what it was! Of course, I've always been as big as a house, so there's no option for concealing it, and the baby was often as wiggly as an octopus. (or as I assume one would be in a confined space..limbs everywhere!)

you can read the article here> Women Who Don't Realize They're Pregnant.

I am reminded of my Hunny's cousin who didn't realize she was pregnant until she saw the doctor because of the constant feelings in her tummy. I think she was 5 months pregnant. I couldn't imagine!

Although, I have to admit, I wished I had that ignorance sometimes! After an ectopic and/or miscarriage, you tend to have anxiety during your first trimester. Will the baby survive? Will you bleed? Will you have to have surgery? Will you survive? It's a scary thing. I am often partially jealous (but mostly really truely happy) for women who never have to go through that fear, who get to have easy pregnancies and wish I could skip through it sometimes! To suddenly know when you're past the first trimester would be nice!

Any thoughts on this phenomenon? Leave me a comment!

the bridge

2010-04-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

There is a sign that has been posted outside a church that I pass sometimes on the way to my children's school. I've been meaning to take a picture of it, but well, stopping to take a photo of a sign is a *bit* strange, so I haven't made it a priority yet. I think I may have to stop being so silly and take the picture! This church tends to have good ones posted.

Jesus built a bridge with two boards and three nails.

How true.

A bridge for us to meet God. No holding back. He became the bridge for us to cross. And it cost Him his life. No matter what you believe, no matter where you sit with Him, no matter if you've stumbled or if you feel you have nothing to offer but a tainted past, you can cross that bridge. Jesus did that for you. You have nothing to fear and so much to gain.

Sunday is the day that I typically celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, although I was lovingly told by my daughter that it was technically Monday that He had victory over death, thus making it a full three days. (sheesh, my kids are smart! ---I will even admit to you what I said to her, I was always wondering how Friday to Sunday was considered Three Days, but whatever! I'm so silly. Someone should teach me to count and recognize that it's Easter Monday that most of us have off of school and work for! But I digress...) As I dress myself in bright Spring colours to celebrate, I will try not to get aggitated or stressed by the excitement my children possess as they are filled up on chocolate energy that the "Easter bunny" left behind for them! Instead, I will fill my mind with the glory of the Lord, the power of His ressurection and what it means for me.

Death couldn't hold down him and it will not hold me either! I will walk that bridge! I pray that you will choose to walk that bridge too.

In Christ Alone
~Julian Keith Getty, Stuart Richard Townend

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

*my favourite parts of the song, the ones that effect me the most, are bolded.

I remember you

2010-04-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today is Good Friday and it passed like any other day and it bothers me. I wish there was something spectacular about today. I wish it wasn't so easily forgotten or ignored. I wish it moved people. But it doesn't. And that grieves me.

I'm not just talking about those who don't believe or take a personal interest in today, I mean everyone, even me and my family. I struggle with wanting to make this day important, to impress upon my children the deep meaning, but I struggle. I want them to know the power of today, not just know. I want the power and the intensity of The Passion of Christ to fill their senses and minds. I want it to be real.

Today we celebrate the death of Jesus. Which seems strange to say. Celebrate? Oh yes. We weep and we fall to our knees at the crucifixion and the depravity of it all, but we celebrate because one man, one God, chose to die this way. For us. For me. For you. We needed it to happen as much as He needed to do it, and it cuts us to the core. We can choose to ignore it, and many do, and they spend the day doing their own thing, enjoying an extra day off of work or school, but it will not leave us. Everyone knows what today is. We all have it in us to know that someone died for us. It was horrific, it was gory, it was downright terrible. We have all seen the images of Jesus on a cross. It's there, ingrained in our minds.

Today passed with the typical rainfall of Good Friday. It's funny, it happens every year; I actually expect it. But I like it that way. I think the rain is perfect. I love the solitude it gives, the feeling of retrospect it forces (ok, maybe only on me!) We also had strong winds today. And anyone can tell you, I do not like wind! I don't mean the wind that comes in and sweeps your hair off your shoulders as you run across the beach in a bikini chasing a frisbee like a wonderful calming hair or tampax commercial, I mean the wind that whips your hair off your head and smacks you across your face and turns your umbrella inside out! I don't like that. But even today the wind was welcomed. (well, from inside the confines of my nice toasty house, that is!) But it wasn't enough. I wanted it to get fierce. I wanted the sky to go black. I wanted it to look ugly. I wanted the earth to tremble. I wanted the death of my Saviour to be noticed by all. I wanted the power that was felt at his death, where all those things happened, to be felt here. It was so incredible that day that the Roman soldiers standing by Jesus' cross, fell to their knees and said immediately, "Surely this was the son of God!" (Matthew 27:50-55)

I want my sorrow to be felt by the world.

He died. For me. For you. For the world. So that I am no longer owned by death. I can come clean to the Father. I can be changed. I don't have to be held down by sin. I am free.

He did that for me and you. And I want it to mean something. To everyone.

Precious Jesus
~Steve Hindalong

I remember you
precious Jesus, I remember you
healer of my heart
lover of my soul

on your sacred head
a crown of thorns pressed on your sacred head
mighty king of the universe, merciful lamb
for my sin you suffered and bled
still father, forgive them, they don't understand
sweet savior, I heard what you said

and we remember you
precious Jesus, we remember you
Jesus, we love you
precious Jesus, we love you
Jesus, we love you
precious Jesus, we love you
healer of our hearts
lover of our souls

Jesus, Jesus, we remember
Jesus, Jesus, we remember

as we drink from the cup of salvation, your blood
we remember your sacrifice
we remember the way that you suffered for us

risen from the grave
Christ immortal risen from the grave
at Jerusalem's gate how you wept for the lost
even as palm branches waved
then you proved how you loved us on Calvary's cross
and rose up on the third day
so all who believe might be saved, yes

and we remember you
precious Jesus, we remember you
Jesus, we love you
precious Jesus, we love you
Jesus, we love you
precious Jesus, we love you
healer of our hearts
lover of our souls

(song found on the City on a Hill: songs of worship and praise compliation that came out in 2000, way back when, that is still one of my faves.)

If you are looking for more information as to what I believe and why and how this can change your life, please do ask me any question! If you just want to search online, this is a great article to read: Beyond Blind Faith. Was Jesus a Liar, a Lunatic, a Legend or the Truth? Or if you want to talk to someone right now, call 1-800-NEED HIM or check out their site HERE. Or if you are looking for something to read of your own, I will send you a copy of the book "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel, a book written by a lawyer and (former) athiest who had the intentions to "debunk" the story of Jesus as Christ. Just ask!

Today is a Good day. Don't let it pass without knowing WHY it is. In the words of Kai, today is Good "because Jesus died and rose from the dead so that we can go to Heaven and be with Him." (I guess my kids are learning some truth of the day after all!)

a bit shy?

2010-03-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

I saw an old friend from high school today. Or, rather yesterday. I was on my way to the front door of my children's school in search of Kai and his classmate whom we carpool and she was exiting the school. I looked directly at her and was taken aback. There was no mistaking who she was as she looked entirely the same as when we were younger!

I could've said hello, squealed with excitement, chatted with her about "old times", asked about her life now, and reunited. But I didn't. Instead, my heart did a funny dance in my chest and I looked away.

I pretended I didn't see her.

Why?

It's not like we never got along; we were friends after all! And we certainly didn't leave on a bad foot or anything, or have our friendship go sour (like some). Yet, I still didn't want to "see" her or have her see me. (although I was intensely curious as to why she was there. She was carrying satchels, two of them, so I figured she must've been teaching something, or maybe showing a demontration. But of what and for whom? I remember she went to TWU for a year or two with the intention of transferring to UVic for marine biology. I don't think that transpired though. At least, there was no mention of it at the 10-year reunion a few years back, but I don't recall her current info, just that she was married with no children then.)

I watched her leave and wondered why my mouth wouldn't call out her name. I lost sight of her as she crossed into the parking lot, and I took off my glasses to wipe away the raindrops, and felt odd. Empty. Confused. These are feelings that haven't left me still hours later and I'm still wondering why I didn't say anything. When is the next time I'm going to see her? (although, I suppose it could be tomorrow if she were to return to the school, but that's beside the point!) I admit that I'm kicking myself (figuratively speaking) for being so...what's the word? Shy? No, that's not it. Scared? Yeah, maybe. But of what?

I've been thinking a lot lately about my inability to make Small Talk. I seriously suck at it. One may think I was good at it, but that's just a show. I have inherited my Father's knack for chatting up complete strangers and totally love doing so, but I can't get into a deep conversation, and it's bugging me. Maybe it's because I'm "damaged". I have hardened myself to Small Talk and would rather not engage in it after discovering that the person asking is only asking out of habit not genuine interest. When someone says to me, "hi! how are you?" I usually say the typical, fine or good. But I never ask back. And why? Because I honestly don't care. Okay, no that isn't true. I do care. But I don't trust the person asking me to care about my response so I'd really rather not start the whole charade. And I move on.

Which really does explain my lack of deep friendships and trust and loneliness, doesn't it? *sigh*

But how does one change that? How do I get past the insincerities? How do I ask the right questions? I'm really good at chatting up the cashier at the grocery store, but it's not hard to comment on the weather or the Canucks or the antics of screaming children during grocery shopping or how I "had" to buy the latest issue of People magazine, isn't it terrible about Jesse James and poor Sandra Bullock? Those conversations are good. They're safe. I leave happy and proud of myself for being able to converse with strangers! But I know that if I see them in the mall on their day off I'm not going to run up to them and start talking about those things! And I know that if I come in again a week later, the person isn't likely to remember who I am. I can accept that. But I struggle with wanting more.

I've started another training program with Stampin' Up! and it's been quite the challenge. They actually want me to talk to people! Like call them up out of the blue! Chat about things! And it's been causing me to panic just a bit. Which has got me realizing just how bad I am at this. I'm no longer just "not good" at conversing with people I sort-of know, but it's an epidemic! I really am.not.good. And it's so bad that I am getting anxiety! The idea of me calling up someone with the intention of having a deep conversation, someone I don't normally call, gets me all breathless! When did this happen? And how? I'm flabbergasted!

I didn't realize I had changed so much in the past ten years. I have slowly slipped from overconfident extrovert to a shy nervous nelly, and I don't like it! Coming to this conclusion is a good thing, I'm sure, but it's still an eye-opener for me. It's something that I need to work on! But I just don't know how.

I really wish this post had a conclusion or a nice ending or something, but I can't come up with one. I know (now) that things are bad. I know that I need (really bad) to change them. The idea terrifies me (which is also disturbing).

I'm really hoping that my old friend does come back to the school so I can start to break this No Small Talk chain, starting with her!

SU Sneak Peek

2010-03-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

There are many things that I love about being a Stampin' Up! Demonstrator, and one of them is the chance to see new items before they come out, and another is being able to order the new things before they come out! I got this new stamp set that just may be my newest favourite! I couldn't wait to put some ink to it, but *sigh* alas! I had to wait a week or so with stamp club projects and class projects to do first. But I finally got to play the other night! (Man, I love my job!)

This stamp set is called Awash With Flowers and is a set of 18. (Yes, 18!) And is a two-step set, meaning that you have a line stamp and a "filler" stamp. (take a good look at the flowers for an example) This beautiful set will not be available until the Brand New Idea Book & Catalogue comes out in July! However, good news! You can get this for yourself next month as there will be a promotion for all who hostess in April! You'll have to get my newsletter to find out the details next month; just leave a comment if you'll like to be added to my mailing list!

But back to the card... The colours are a bit better in this picture, at least! It is stamped on Barely Banana (ooh, isn't it pretty? I'll have to post pictures of my stamp room for you to see the similarities)..oh wait! Actually, it is stamped on Whisper White and then layered on top of Barely Banana, but that's a mere technicality! I even used all the 5 colours in D's I Want Candy Colour Challenge again: Pretty In Pink (flower), Almost Amethyst (flowers), Apricot Appeal (flowers), Barely Banana, Sage Shadow (leaves and the scalloped strip of cardstock on the bottom). I also had fun with the paper piercer! *smile* Oh, and guess what? I actually came up with this card design all on my own! I'm so proud of myself! *big grin*

Doesn't this card make you smile? I'm so happy Spring is finally here!

I Want Candy!

2010-03-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

So my friend, D, has her newest Colour Challenge up! It was inspired by a stash of candy (mmm...rockets! I found out that these are the equivalent to Smarties in the States. So sad. Ours are chocolate candy coated goodness...but I digress.) I was so excited to do this challenge because these are "my" colours. Of course, every time I sat down to use them, my mind went blank. Maybe these aren't my colours after all! *pout* I am now wondering how Barely Banana happened to slip past my radar. Oh, what a yummy sunny colour! I've been addicted to So Saffron, but now I'll be going to this one! Wow! It also happens to be the colour of my newly painted stamp room walls! *smile*

After many drafts and punching and Big Shot butterflies, I have come up with my masterpiece! This is only the third edit and I think I'm done! This design has been in my inbox for over a year as it was a simple one to CASE. I'm so happy it worked! You may now gaze upon the beauty that is my I Want Candy card!
This uses all 5 of the Challenge colours: Pretty in pink, sage shadow, almost amethyst, barely banana, and apricot appeal. I'm that good! *smile* (even though you can't really tell by my picture. Phooey. But the wheel is in Pretty in Pink, the distressed cardstock under it is Sage Shadow and the larger, scored cardstock behind that is Almost Amethyst!)

Friendly Words Jumbo Wheel, Good Friend stamp set, Pretty in Pink ink, Barely Banana ink, Whisper White c/s, Sage Shadow c/s, Almost Amethyst c/s, Fresh Favourites 1 buttons, Pretty in Pink grosgrain ribbon, cutter kit, paper piercing tool, mat pack

Not Me, Monday!

2010-03-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

Feeling embarrassed because you bought a box of Honey Nut Cheerios and ate it all before your children even knew they were in the house? Overcome with shame because when you realized there was no toilet paper left, you just didn't wipe because you only went Number One? Well, don't be! Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. When you're finished here, of course!

This week, I've decided to participate in her Not My Child edition, as it seems my Boy has been quite...uhm...himself lately.

While shopping, I did not lose one of Rhys' socks. That's just bizarre. How would that happen? He came into the store with two socks, why wouldn't he leave with two? If he had indeed lost one sock, I certainly would've searched for it right away, like the shepherd looking for his one lost sheep, ignoring my rushed and tired self. And I definitely would not have put one mitten on his cold toes when we got to the van. Nope! Not me! Rhys' toes wouldn't have needed a mitten because his sock was on his foot where it was supposed to be.

On a rainy day, I decided to pull out the big jar of crayons, markers, pencils, etc..to keep the kids occupied. While colouring with them, I did not see my youngest innocent darling stick a small paintbrush up his nostril carefully and slowly. Nope! That's gross and wrong and not at all an interesting thing for a 20 month old to do!

I then did not proceed to lose said alleged dirty paintbrush. I would definitely keep track of something like that so that I could wash and disinfect it before reintroducing it to the other pens and such.

I also certainly did NOT catch my Baby Honey in the bathroom, with a tube a toothpaste, sucking on the top then sticking his finger in it to spread some blue goo onto his head. Nope! That's not what we do with toothpaste! My children know that! And I do not let them wander the house aimlessly as that just gets them into mischief. Therefore, my darling fourth-born did not smell minty sweet when I snuggled with him that night!

of life, death, illness and passion.

2010-03-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

As I sit here typing at almost-midnight, my youngest is in my lap. I don't necessarily want him here. I'd rather he be in his own bed, quietly sleeping, but that isn't going to happen. He's been sick almost a week now with some silly cold, and it's threatening to drag me down too. Not with sickness in health, just with weariness. I don't like not sleeping, and I don't like snot runs on my pant legs or my shirt, and I don't like constant whining; I'm not a very good nursemaid! But what I do like is snuggling. So I am sitting here, snuggling my son while he attempts to relax and rest. (since sleep isn't likely going to happen) And I am attempting to be okay with that.

As I snuggled with him earlier today, my thoughts ran wild. They do that often. They are so untame like that. I was thinking about how my own Dad is sick too with pneumonia (you know, old people get sick with stuff like that often. Just sayin'. I'm also just joking, Dad! Who loves ya, baby? teehee) And it got me thinking about Rhys and his illness. What if I'm wrong and it's not just a cold? What if his congestion is worse? What if his wheeziness is more and needs actual medical intervention, not just Vaporub on his feet? What if it turns into pneumonia and he is hospitalized again? What if? What if? It took me back a whole two summers ago, when he was just a newborn, and very ill, and I didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Well, not at first.

Rhys was just a month old and only home from the hospital for maybe a week, if even. We were starting to get into a routine and things were well. Except they weren't. He was sleeping an awful lot that day. I was concerned, but shrugged it off as a newborn thing. But that afternoon, I noticed he looked really pale. Now, my kids are like me and we're white. Not caucasian, white. White, as in pale. As in kleenex. As in untannable. Well, he looked more white than that. And his skin felt rubbery. I remember that and thinking it was the weirdest feeling ever. I just couldn't shake this bad feeling either, so as soon as Hunny returned from work, I took Baby Honey to the hospital. By then he looked just grey and lifeless. When the nurse got him out of his carseat (she was in a rush, I guess, and didn't wait for me to do it!) she was telling the admitting doctor that she wasn't even sure he was breathing when she first picked him up! (which shocked me) Turns out he did have moments of Apnea! The nurses started to poke and pinch him to get him to take another breath as he would stop every few inhalations, while the pediatrician was called in (who also happened to be the same doctor who saw my other boys!) and a series of tests were done.

In the end, it was determined that Rhys had aspirate pneumonia and was in the PICU for a bit, starting off on a ventilator. My life altered dramatically so quickly.

As I hold him now and the tears come to my eyes and the fear of the situation settles into my brain, I can see it as it truely was. I can let out the emotions that I held back then because I needed to be strong for him, for me, for the kids, for the family, for my own Hunny. And I can't believe how close we came to losing this Baby Honey.

Now, I know that all the What If's can kill you, and I'm not trying to get my mind going off in that direction, but I can't help but think, Wow. What if I hadn't taken him to the hospital when I did? What if he had stopped breathing while in the triage? What if it was all too late? After all, I had no idea that he was even sick. Sure, he choked on a bottle the day before, but since a whole day passed and he was breathing fine then and took bottles with no issue, I had nothing to make me think his lungs were harboring such illness. And that shocks me. To not know someone is close to death....

It makes you question your abilities to determine the severity of something. And it makes you think of how you use the time allotted to you, and the knowledge you have. For over a year I hadn't thought of Rhys' recovery as a Miracle. Should I be? Should I see this as a Second Chance? I suppose one could view it that way. There's the saying about how you should live each day as if it were your last, but to be honest, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to live abundantly, joyously and with adandon. I don't know how to cherish each moment I have with my children, while they are still young. I don't even know how to live with such passion for myself, much less know how to teach someone else not to cling to things!

How do you change your life? That is the question that has been plaguing me all week. How do I life differently? Sure, my life has been good and fine and everyone says I have good kids, and I'm a nice person, so why do I need to change? Because I do. I can not keep living the way I do. For many reasons which I can not specify all here, the list is that long! But at the top of the list is Passion. I need to change something b/c I've lost my passion. For life. For people. Oh, the emotions are still there, but the embers need to be stoked again. I NEED to live like each day matters, like today could be the one where I say goodbye to someone I love. As much as the idea terrifies me.

So I sit here, in the dark, straining at the screen (since I took my glasses off earlier and now can't get up to retrieve them), snuggling my Baby Honey and thinking about life. And living. Really living.

Two Masters

2010-03-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You can not serve both God and money."
~Matthew 6:24

I've never really paid an overt amount of attention to that Bible passage, even though I've heard it many times. I don't have a problem with serving God or money. That I know of. But serving others...that's something else.

I struggle with keeping people happy. And I know that I don't have to. But I do.

I have to keep my Hunny happy. My neighbours happy. My family happy. My church happy. The teachers at my kids' school happy. The women at church happy. The strangers I meet day-to-day happy. The kids who made my grade 5 & 6 years hell happy. My friends happy. The doctors happy. The textbook authors happy. God happy. My kids happy. My customers happy. My ex happy. The other school mothers happy.

I have to do it all. Do it right. Please everyone. Not because someone says so, because it is a good thing to serve others and follow the Golden Rule, but because I say so. I put this pressure on myself and it all bubbles up inside until I feel like I'm going to explode.

Right now I feel like I'm a walking ball of confusion. There is so much I want to do, so many things I should do, so much I have to do. I can't figure out which voice to follow. When I heard a voice remind me, "No one can serve two masters."

How right that is! I've been trying to keep so many people "happy" with unknown restrictions and judgements that I feel weighted down. I can not do it. I can not look to them as the answers to my problems. There is only One who can give me what I need. Only One who knows the answers. Only One who can give me the courage to be me and the peace to live it out.

So tonight I have decided to serve One Master again. As difficult as that is for me.

Olympic-Sized Memories pt 1

2010-03-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

Hello, World! *waving hi*

Well, seventeen days have come and gone and I'm left feeling quite empty and sad. It was a wonderful seventeen days and I don't want it to end! But it has.

I remember when Vancouver got the winning bid to host the Olympics all the way back in 2003. I cheered, I screamed, I even cried. (I blamed that on the hormones since I was pregnant with Kai then, but the truth is I'm an Emotional Gnome.) My sister and I talked about being Volunteers for the games and how much fun that would be! But then time passed, and years went by, and even though the building started and the plans were reveiled, the grumbling started. It was such a Long Way Off! And it was costing So Much! And I started to wonder if it was all even worth it. I mean, really? Would I see any of the promised revenue? Would I even be a part of it? And I'm sad to say this, but in January, I became "Anti-Olympic." The IOC were bullies with their threatened lawsuits to anyone using the term "Olympic" in any sales, etc. And normal people, with normal jobs, outside of metro Vancouver weren't going to have an increase in sales. How was this a Good Thing for all of BC???

But then it hit: the Wave; it came over me and the excitement started to grow. It's known as the Olympic Torch. It arrived in BC in February, after travelling from Greece in October 2009. This Torch Relay was the longest one, going 45,000 km, passing through over 1000 communities with over 12, 000 torchbearers. (My BFF's friend, Joy, carried it in their hometown on Belleville, Ontario. How exciting!) It was going to go down the main highway in my little town on Day 102 and suddenly I HAD to be there! Unfortunately, this also happened to be the time that I had to be picking up the Olders from school! What's a girl to do? I debated on taking them out of school for the day so they could see the flame as well, but then I hummed and hawed and decided in the end not to go. But oh how it pained me! (It turns out that maybe I should've gone with my first instinct of no school because 7 kids from Kai's class was missing that day as they went to different activities for the Torch Run! 11 were missing from another Gr 1 class and 5 from Abi's class. The parking lot was deserted when I went to pick them up!) They were running almost right by our house! (and when I say that, I really mean 10 blocks, but close enough!) My sister saved the day though when she offered we all come to her place and watch it go by. There was HUGE event happening at Holland Park, in Surrey, just blocks from her house, that night. Perfect!

So I packed up the kids, making sure we were all dressed in red and white! We ate dinner and our excitement started to grow. (Okay, mostly mine!) But then we noticed the time! Eek! They were going to be there soon! The run was going right past her street, and we had predicted the time they'd pass, and it was in 15 minutes...and did I mention we had to pack up 4 kids and race to the end of the street? (the condo is at the opposite end of the street they were passing!) And race we did!

We arrived JUST IN TIME! Seriously! We were within steps of the road, when I see this blur of a flame! I had just enough time to sneak my way in front of the line (I'm quick like that!), to have an official nearly push me back. Oops. How was I to know that they were doing the switch of torchbearers, literally, right in front of me? Oh, right. If we had arrived half an hour earlier (like we originally intended) we would've known! (we also would've received those awesome special-edition Coco-Cola glow drink cans too. Phooey. It still bugs me that we missed out on that. I definitely wished we'd arrived earlier. But we just lost track of time. Dang dinner had to be eaten first!)

IT'S COMING!!!!!! Do you see it? it's the bright thing in front of the yellow sign. (the other bright thing to the top left is a street lamp. don't get the two mixed up.)

don't you just love fuzzy photos?

do looking at fuzzy photos make your eyes water? just wondering.

I don't know who this Torchbearer is. I've been trying to find out, but haven't yet. If you know, please let me know. Thanks! I know who his wife is (you'd think that would make it easier, but really it's not) but more on that later!

Since we were there and missed the whole build up of the runner, but was now within the crowds, we decided to make the trek to Holland Park. I think it was only like 5 blocks, but it seemed a lot longer! I had the double stroller for the Youngers (which we all took turns pushing. I let Anne, a friend, take the longest turn because she doesn't have children and she's just newly engaged so she needs to prepare for these things. I'm nice like that.) but the Olders were forced to walk. Or rather, they were carried on backs or shoulders! (Andy is the Coolest Uncle!) Once we finally arrived (with 2,500 others or 25,000..I'm bad with numbers and can't recall where I saw the official amount written. Either way, it was a lot more than I thought!), we worked our way through the crowds til we could just see the large screens. Unfortunately, we couldn't hear a thing that was being said! In the local paper it was said that a special song was written for the Olympics that a Children's Choir was going to sing. We couldn't hear that either, which was disappointing. Needless to say, we didn't stay long. It was when we were leaving that we enjoyed it more!

We stopped in at the Best Buy to use the toilet before heading back home, and as we were leaving, the fireworks began! Yay! We weren't going to miss those after all!

you'd think Abi had never seen fireworks before! :)

a bit fuzzy, but I love how the skytrain is coming right past as the fireworks go off.

It was good time. It really set the excitement to come for the Olympics for me. Suddenly, it was no longer about cost or profit or regulations or distance, but about athletes and spirit and pride, and I couldn't wait to cheer on the Games!

to be continued.....

magical marquee card

2010-02-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

I came across this awesome card on the wonderful Jan Tink's blog and knew I had to teach it to my 10x10 Club last month! It's a card that when you open it, these flaps open up like a curtain to show a message or picture from behind. It looks like a theatre curtain. Very cool!

The card was incredibly easy to put together...it was just the front that we had difficulty with. Jan made her using the Circle Scissors Plus, which would be great, but I was teaching 6 ladies and knew that wouldn't be an option, as that would take forever for us all to use the thing. Plus, I'm still working on mastering the blasted circle maker as it is! And everyone would have their scallop circle punch different to their own style as well, so I couldn't pre-cut circles out either. Or maybe I'm wrong. *shrugs* So I had to think of a solution. First, I used the scallop circle punch for the front pieces, but that got tough by the third layer. Then I thought of using larger circle punches! That wasn't the easiest either, but it worked!

On the night of the class, we actually all brainstormed on better solutions, and my lovely sister came up with the idea of tracing the circle instead of using a mask, and I must say it worked out so much better! At least for me!

Of course, none of this makes sense without seeing the card or Jan's samples and instruction video! So, here, check out the card we made in the class. This one actually isn't even mine, but my lovely sister, Julie Royer's! *smile* She fiddled around with centering the circles and having the red show up beneath. Then she added a punched heart on top of the "curtain", just to cover up the lines of where the two pieces intersect (but not stuck down with adhesive on one side so it can open). That wasn't in the original card I designed, but I love it! Wish I'd come up with it! This card uses the brand-new DSP that I LOVE called "Sending Love" and a new Pretty in Pink epoxy brad, both of which are in the new mini catalogue.

Julie worked hard on the inside, making it so that you couldn't see the curtain bits after you opened the card. It turned out really nice!

I'm so happy with this card! I hope you'll check out Jan's video tutorial and try it out for yourself!

mmm...blueberries

2010-02-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

I think it's time to invest in some new expensive-y bubble bath when I have to choose between the Spiderman Cherry Power or the Hot Wheels Blueberry Blast, and I'm wishing the Winnie-the-Pooh Berry wasn't gone! And it's especially time to pick new fragrances when my Hunny snuggles up to me in bed after my bath and whispers in my ear, "Mmm, you smell nice." Thanks, Hun, that would be the blueberries you're smelling.

for no apparent reason

2010-02-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

We were driving back from a "quick" family trip to WalMart when we decided to drive around the new neighbourhood a bit. There was a new Thrifty Foods that just opened up last week and Hunny was curious where. So we drove here and there and turned around and tried a new street, all the while with the kids asking in the backseat, "where are we going?" "Why are we turning?" "Why are we here?" Ok, so those all came from Kai, but I swear my children have no sense of adventure!

Finally, we saw a giant shopping cart on a corner pointing out the direction that we somehow missed earlier. So we turned, and then around because we went into an unfinished parking lot that was closed off. They should really think of turning on the lot lights.

And then there it was. Thrifty Foods. A grocery store. Tucked in a dark corner. Yahoo. Now the mystery was solved. So Hunny steered us out of the parking lot maze and we headed towards home. Seven minutes into our drive, Bryn pipes up from the backseat, "Are we going to the store?"

"Hmm? What store, honey?"

"The store," he insists.

"Oh. The one we were looking for?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, we were just looking for it, " I reply.

There is a pause. Then, "Why?"

"We didn't know where it was, so we wanted to find it. And we did!"

"We're not going to go inside shopping?" he asked incredulously.

I smile at his honest shock and utter confusion. "No," I say cheerfully. "We were just looking!"

"Why?"

It's too much for the poor boy's mind to take. I knew I needed to switch tactics. He just wasn't going to understand why we would search out a store and not intend to go inside! "We're going to go another night."

That seemed to satisfy him, thankfully. And I am reminded that we need to go on more Sunday Drives. My children just don't get it.

Wishes

2010-02-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

"What is your wish?"

My what? My wish? The question threw me off. Bryn asked me that on the drive home from a "quick" family trip to WalMart. "Uhm, I don't know, sweetie. What is your wish?" I counter.

"I wish it wasn't so dark outside."

I laugh. "Yes, it is pretty dark. But if it weren't dark, we'd never be able to sleep, and if we didn't sleep, we couldn't get strong and grow." Not to mention I'd go insane, but I decide not to add that.

Bryn chatters on about the dark and not wanting to go to bed, and Kai adds his bit. Then the question comes again. "Mom? What is your wish?"

Uhm. I think quickly. "I wish Rhys would sleep through the night!" Let's go with honesty. Yeah, because three-year-olds love that in conversations about wishes.

"No-o-o,' he replies. "I know what you wish!"

"You do?"

"Yes. I'll tell you what you wish," he asserts from the backseat.

I smile. This should be good. "Ok. What do I wish?"

"You wish I was a Wall-e!"

"I wish you were a Wall-e?" I crinkle my nose in slight confusion.

"No-o-o. You were a Wall-e," he corrects.

Oh. Of course. I wish I were a Wall-e. "And what would I do if I were a Wall-e?"

"Then you could fly!" Bryn is so confident in his answer and sounds quite proud of himself.

"But Wall-e can't fly. He doesn't have wings, " I point out. Somehow my reasoning falls on deaf ears, so I add, "Wall-e could only fly because of Eve and with the fire extinguisher." (except that I can't remember what it's called, so I call it a "blowy thingy". I'm smart like that.)

"Yeah," Bryn jumps in with excitement. "Then you could fly!" I can hear in his voice the happiness that I've finally clued in to his theory.

The wishes of a 3yo are so imaginative. But I still wish Rhys would sleep through the night!

Mancala

2010-02-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

To amass cost over Christmas, Hunny decided to help the kids make gifts for eachother. For the boys, Abi helped paint and glue together some stick horses (which are sadly already broken). For Abi, Hunny found a really interesting game online that we'd never heard of before. Mancala. It's a game that's been around for centuries and originated in Africa, played by digging our holes in the ground and moving rocks. Hunny made his board out of pine and he bought a bunch of marbles. (however, we discovered marbles were a bit too big and should've gone with something smaller. They still work though, they just fill the holes up!)

Hunny found a good tutorial for the game with like 10 videos (I'm a visual learner, ok?) but I can't find it again. But this one seems good. (it has written and visual instructions) When he explained it to Abi on Christmas, she caught on quite fast! It's deceptively simple, yet still a tricky game and she quickly kicked everyone's butts! Us adults were trying to figure out her stragedy, but finally realized that we had to play opposite of how we normally would. (You don't necessarily want to be the first to get rid of your marbles, when most games teach you to be first out!)

It's a great game for most kids who are learning to count, too, and Kai had fun playing. It's a fun family game. (well, for two players...and taking turns, that is! what I meant was that most ages can play it!) Two thumbs up! Try it out for yourself!

struggling

2010-02-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling right now. My thyroid is out and I can tell but there isn't anything I can do about it until I can get my doctor to realize. I had my bloodwork done last month and when I saw my dr (my original doctor not my friend's doctor, lol) and while she said that my levels of TSH were too high, she didn't want to adjust anything b/c she wasn't convinced that there was an issue yet. She asked if I had felt anxious, to which I said No, because I'm not. Aggitated? Oh Yes!!! Very aggitated! And sleepy. Oh so sleepy. Since I'm not anxious, things must be ok, right? Even though I told her I knew my thyroid was out, I could tell and that I was extremely exhausted. *sigh* Doctors!

So while I have a LOT of things I want to post and talk about, I have no energy. My life is kind of on auto-play...no thinking, no action, just doing. And it sucks. :(

For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in 2005. (that was a tough year for me) Your thyroid controls your
*heart rate
*respiratory rate
*rate at which calories are burned
*skin maintenance
*growth
*heat production
*fertility
*digestion. (1)

But more than that, more importantly, when your thyroid is out, you have a range of symptoms that really screw things up! The symptoms for Hypothyroidism (when your thyroid is underactive and produces high levels of TSH and low levels of T4) include: *fatigue
*dry skin
*feeling cold
*weight gain
*coarse hair/hair loss
*muscle aches
*depression
*difficulty concentrating
*brittle nails
*constipation
*hoarse voice
*puffiness of the face/around eyes
*heavy periods
*infertility
*high cholesterol. (2)

Believe me! I know! I don't have all of those symptoms, but I have enough! Also, "hypothyroidism can lead to serious consequences if not treated." (3)

I go get my blood checked every other month or so. Actually, that's not true. I had my thyroid nice and settled for a good 6 months where it was regulated and all was good. But then I got pregnant with Rhys and things haven't been in order since. I think. It's been a while; I don't remember when it first went out!

Hopefully things will get back into order again. I have lots of updating to do and I want to do it before it becomes OLD news! :)

(Beers, MH, Fletcher AJ, et al, editors, The Merck Manual of Medical Information. (1) Kasper DL, Braunwald E, et al, editors, Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine 2005 (2) Abbott Laboratories, Limited 2008 You don't feel right, but you just can't put your finger on it....(3) ...I picked up a handy-dandy pamphlet at my doctor's office recently!)

Curry Chicken

2010-02-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

My friend, D, has posted her Colour Challenge #2 on her blog, Prairie Papercrafts and Stamps, and it was a doozy! You may remember my card for her Chocolate/Orange challenge. That one I liked! This one...my goodness, it was a lot harder than I anticipated. The challenge was made up on her My Digital Studio...isn't it such a great display?...and the inspiration came from some linens of hers.

When I saw it I thought, 'ok, fine, this won't be too bad!' Immediately I thought of a quilt pattern and had envisioned a card with some nice Designer Series Paper. But could I find any DSP with those colours? *sigh* So I sat. And sat. And sat. And thought. And thought some more. I pulled out the colours and stared at them. I pulled out card sketches. I looked through card samples and the Idea Book & Catalogue but still no inspiration jumped out at me! Oh the agony! I really wished I had the Hostess Level 1 stamp set, Country Morning, for the rooster!

Finally, I came up with something! And I like it!

recipe: (all SU!) Embrace Life stamp set, Thank You Kindly stamp set (which you can choose FREE through our Sale-A-Bration promotion! Ask me how!, Whisper White c/s, Real Red c/s, Night of Navy c/s, Crushed Curry polka dot grosgrain ribbon, Crushed Curry ink, Not Quite Navy ink, Basic Black ink, aquapainter.

Look, I even stamped on the inside! *smile* (which you can sort of see)

But the more I looked at the card and admired it, the more I began to think that it didn't quite fit the rules. Yes, it included all the colours, but not in a major way. The white is the predominant colour here, and I think I'd like to see one of the actual *Colours* up front (since technically White isn't a colour!) So I'm thinking I'm going to have to try this challenge again!

I'll keep you updated....

silly groundhog

2010-02-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Groundhog Day! So the groundhog, Wiarton Willie predicted another 6 weeks of winter. (as did the American groundhog, Punxsutawny Phil) There are many thoughts that come to mind when we observe this silly tradition each year.

*the calendar says spring doesn't officially arrive for 6 more weeks anyways! No matter what that silly sleepy groundhog says.

*why does it matter to us what a groundhog back east says? our weather is wildly different! It may be icy and snowy where the sleepy groundhog has his tunnels built, but it is...well, it's rainy here, but that's not really so strange for the Wet Coast...the trees and bushes are starting to bloom, the crocuses are poking out of the ground, the people are putting away their winter gear, it's wonderful! It's almost too nice. Especially since our ski hills are starting to melt. Cypress Mtn (where some Olympic events will be in less than two weeks) had to bring in some snow from Manning Park this weekend! (I guess it's snowing in some parts of B.C. still!)

*why does the groundhog predict more winter if he sees his shadow? I would figure that the shadow shows that the sun is out, which means spring-like weather! But instead it doesn't. How bizarre is that? No shadow means no sun, means overcast, means too chilly to get up, time to go back to sleep! Just sayin'...

Silly sleepy confused groundhog. But here's a picture of a cute fat groundhog to make you smile.

I just found out that there are more than one groundhog that predicts the weather across Canada! There is Shubenacadie Sam in Nova Scotia, Wiarton Willie in Ontario and Balzac Billy in Alberta. They all predicted a longer winter!

Homemade Chiropractic work

2010-01-31T19:42:00.001-08:00

Hunny's back is out again. It happens every so often, and is a pain in the neck. Literally. He can't even turn his neck right now! Of course, this happens at a time when we just can't quite afford that trip to the chiropractor, so he has been left up to his own devices and his own ways of dealing with it.

So he tries laying on the floor. The he tries to crack his own back against the corner of a wall. Then he tries to stretch his arms as high as possible. Then he tries to give himself whiplash by swinging his neck around. He even goes so far as to stretch out on the couch and ask his middle child to pull on his arms as they dangle to the floor! When that didn't help, he got B to sit on his back!

Bryn has no idea what he's doing or why, but he's finding it fun! He knows that his job is important and he's proud of his part in it! He even enjoys the bouncing on Dad's back bit too! He didn't get told by me, "STOP! Do not hop on pop!" *smile*

Hunny said it only helped a bit. But a bit is better than nothing at all. Since he woke up with it out, hopefully he'll wake up with it In again soon.

I don't know what's worse...

2010-01-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

~That we ran out of ketchup and I'm wondering how to get my 3yo to eat food without it.

~That there is a dead oppossom in our backyard. This is a picture of one. This isn't the one in our backyard; this one is alive. It seemed inappropriate to take a photo of the dead one, no matter how un-gross it looked. This one is cute. *

~That my Hunny is sick and it looks like he's taking me down with him.

~That the underwire in my nice fancy bra is poking me in places I don't like.

*the oppossom in our backyard was situated perfectly behind the kid's "treefort" (I use quotations b/c it's not in a tree) just close enough to freak them all out! (and myself) I was surprised at how big they are. They're like white raccoons! I remember seeing one in my neighbour's evergreen tree years ago and being shocked at how easy I could see it from that distance. Hunny said he'll get rid of it for us---he's going to throw it over the fence. (hahaha! just kidding, Jenny!)

**PS...are they POSSOMS or OPPOSSOMS???

Wii like to play

2010-01-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

Wii like to have fun.

Wii are learning to share and take turns.

Wii are trying to learn to be good sportsmen and good losers.

Wii play better without any shirts on.

Just before Christmas, MIL said that there was a good deal on Wiis somewhere and were we interested. Hunny and I exchange glances. Were we? Uhm. No, not really. We explained that we're not really "video game people". We don't care about Wii or Nintendo or Play Station or anything cool like that. It's just not something we're into. So we politely declined.

A week later, she asks us what we'd like for Christmas, and so I excitedly suggested a gift card so I could get what I wanted. (I've got my heart set on this David*Crowder Band cd!) As it got closer to the 25th, the more happier I was as I thought ahead to my shopping trip and my many nights stamping and listening to some good music. Then the Big Day. There was a large box for Hunny & I from MIL, which I didn't think too much of. Until we opened it and discovered a Wii. Yep, she didn't heed our advice and we are now Wii owners!

At first, we pondered what we were going to do. Should we return it for something else? Instead, Hunny decided to give it a try. After all, we'd heard how it's a good family activity and I'd love to try the Wii Fitness and get a good workout. So the next day (yes! he decided quickly!) Hunny went out and picked up new games and found some good deals on the accessories, and that night it was all set up and we were good to go!

It turns out that it's been a good gift for us! The kids love playing (although they're still learning to share and how not to get upset when they lose) and it's been fun. However, I still have yet to play longer than just one attempt at shooting ducks! I'd love to get a chance to try too! *smile*

Let the waters rise

2010-01-18T00:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, another one. Another song that I'm listening to. This one isn't on the radio much, but when it is, it is so beautiful to listen to. I still prefer to listen to it on YouTube as I can listen to it over and over and over again (not that I do that, nope, not me!) It also gives me a chance to actually listen to the lyrics; to feel them. These speak to me. This is how I feel right now.

Let the waters rise~ Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

*my fave lines are bolded.

in yur howze tucheen yur stuff

2010-01-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

(like my title...LOLz Cat style? I really really suck at purposely trying to misspell! Really! I'm a stickler when it comes to spelling. When I am chatting with friends and they're using those ridiculous abbrev. or misspelling (like kewl instead of cool or hugz instead of hugs. seriously? if you're going to use the same amount of letters, why not use the right ones?? I just don't get it!) I'm spelling things out fully and properly! I'm a kill joy I guess! It's a good thing I can type fast! lol Moving along....)

It was my Bestest Favouritest Sister's birthday this week. She turned 30! It's crazy to think that! While I know we're all going to get older and that the "circle of life" continues and it's all good and such, the idea of my family getting older makes me sad. I am so not ready to say goodbye to anyone!!!! :( Yeah, I know, it's a *bit* bizarre way of thinking since it's not like any of us are OLD or anything. It's an issue I'm still working out! lol Moving along....

So, it was my Favouritest Sister's birthday this week. She went away with a group of friends to a cabin this weekend to celebrate. It was a surprise that her husband put together...until he spilled the beans or she guessed! Either way, she was in on it within a few days! LOL Oh well. Still fun no matter if it's a surprise or not. We were invited (well, sans children) but had to decline due to lack of sufficient funds. That sucked. Here's hoping 2010 is more, well, prosperous for us!

Since it was her 30th, which is pretty special, I felt crummy that I couldn't participate in celebrating her. So I was racking my brain trying to figure out someway to make it fun from me. Then it came to me. I had the keys to their condo from when they went to Mexico over Christmas and I took care of their cat...h'mm...I see an opportunity here.

The boys helped me shop and Abi helped me decorate last night! We got 30 small gifts for her and 30 balloons and had fun! *big grin* We left a big card that Abi made on their table, which they'll see right away, plus a note saying:

Happy 30th Birthday Surprise, Julie!

Scattered throughout your house you will find many gifts. But can you find them all? There are 28 wrapped gifts plus 2 unwrapped.

Have fun searching!

We then proceeded to unload all the balloons into their office. (it had to be a room that the door is typically closed, so that the cat doesn't get into them and pop a bunch! Although it sounds funny, coming home to broken balloon bits may be a bit unexciting!) How many balloons can you see in the picture? There is supposed to be 30 in total. (totally filling a room and having them tumble out when she opened the door would've been more fun, but you need a door that opens towards you, and most doors here open in. phooey)

I wonder how long it takes her to find all the gifts? Abi & I were nice and left a few out in the open, but then a few were more tricky! Did she find the one in the microwave?*

or the freezer?

or the one hidden in her unmentionable drawer?

or the one hidden behind her pillow?*

or the one hidden between the curtains on her bathtub?*

or the one under the cushion on the chair?*

* Abi had some clever hiding places! Gus-Gus didn't trust us and watched us with guarded curiosity! He ran and hid when I tried to pet him!

I'm excited about this surprise and can't wait to hear from Julie when she comes home! I hope she was just as excited abut it too! (and not feeling annoyed or inconvenienced!)

WE LOVE YOU, AUNTIE JULIE!!!!

PS> thanks for the yummy toffee! *big smile*
PPS> don't turn on your oven without looking inside first! just sayin'!
PPPS>please ignore the Christmas wrapping paper. Oddly, I still have bits of it left but no Birthday wrap. What's up with that?